I'm not sure about the introduction and 2nd paragraph- I feel like maybe they should be combined. I'm also not loving my conclusion. Any constructive criticism would be appreciated!
The prompt-The quality of Rice's academic life and the residential college system is heavily influenced by the unique life experiences and cultural traditions each student brings. What perspective do you feel that you will be able to contribute to life at Rice? (2-3 double spaced pages)
"Make sure you wear your seatbelt in the taxi!" My mother's warning echoed in my mind as I clutched the seat, hoping to reach my destination alive and minimally traumatized by the experience. It was almost midnight as the taxi sped through the nearly deserted streets of Seoul, breaking traffic laws and making its way north toward my new home. In my wildest dreams, I could not have imagined what lay in store for me.
My life has not followed the path that I expected it to. In high school I assumed that after graduating, I would go to college, apply for medical school, and become a doctor. Instead, I wound up living for 3 years in South Korea, a country that many people can't find on a map. I feel that my life experiences will positively influence Rice's academic life and residential college system because they have inculcated motivation, determination, cultural sensitivity, and a commitment to community service in me.
I come from a family that stresses the importance of public service. My siblings and I learned that civic responsibility meant helping those less fortunate. Even though she was a single parent, my mother found time to serve in the Air Force Reserves, go to graduate school and actively support the community through coaching youth sports; I learned from her example. I grew up teaching in my grandparents' religious education program at church, volunteering in soup kitchens and at animal shelters, and actively participating in other community activities.
In middle school, I became involved with Fort Worth Sister Cities International. Sister Cities is a program that uses educational, leadership and exchange programs to promote international relationships. After attending several youth leadership conferences, I was selected to be a Youth Ambassador and was given an opportunity to travel to Reggio Emilia, Italy to stay with a host family. In addition to learning about Italy's rich cultural history and sightseeing, I went to my host sister Bianca's school and gave a presentation about Texas. The combination of learning about other countries while sharing information about mine was thrilling. The trip to Italy inspired me to begin studying Latin- first in middle school, and later in high school. I founded the Latin Club as a junior in high school and served as president for two years.
While the exchange program to Italy and trips to Mexico whetted my appetite for international travel, it was in Korea that I discovered a passion for immersing myself in foreign cultures. Tutoring both children and adults in English gave me a unique perspective of Korean culture. I loved having the opportunity to learn about and participate in Chuseok, a Korean holiday roughly equivalent to Thanksgiving. In return, when November rolled around, I taught my students about Thanksgiving and introduced them to traditional Thanksgiving turkey and trimmings. I was able to present a positive picture of American society, while at the same time coming to appreciate another culture.
Korea was also the place where I discovered the career that I want to have. Foreign Service Officers serve the United States as diplomats working in embassies and consulates throughout the world. They analyze foreign policies, serve Americans living or visiting abroad, and engage in public diplomacy. I first came into contact with a Foreign Service Officer at an embassy to renew my visa. I was amazed at the stories she had to tell; I knew that I wanted to serve the United States in the same capacity that she did. This exposure gave me the motivation and determination that it takes to excel in academic activities, and an eventual career.
Rice University places a premium on recruiting students from diverse backgrounds and cultures. My experience interacting with other cultures allows me to relate well with students from a variety of backgrounds; I not only strive to accomplish my goals, but to help others achieve theirs. I believe that I have a unique blend of motivation, determination, cultural sensitivity and commitment to community service that will be a benefit to the student body and will contribute to Rice's academic life and residential college system, and I hope to be given the opportunity to do so.
"I feel that my life experiences will positively influence Rice's academic life and residential college system because they have inculcated motivation, determination, cultural sensitivity, and a commitment to community service in me." The problem here is that your anecdote about the taxi doesn't demonstrate any of these qualities. Open with a better anecdote, then connect that to this, to create a stronger introduction.
Your conclusion is fine, if a bit boilerplate.
Hey, I like the essay a lot, but like Sean says, it is important to thead it all together. It is also important to attend to th prompt; you write very well, so now you can make it perfect by doing this: 1.) integrate it in the way Sean mentions, and 2.) re-word some of these paragraphs so that, although they basically stay the same, they are referring to your "perspectives," like you are asked to do.
Good luck! You are lucky to be so smart!
