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Revised W&M essay- help! I'll return the favor!



need_adviceThreads: 9
Posts: 39
Author: Soni Kaur
  [Suspended]  
Dec 30, 2011, 08:35pm   #1
Beyond your impressive academic credentials and extracurricular accomplishments, what else makes you unique and colorful?
Any tips would be helpful! And, did I place the comma in the correct place in my 4th-to-last sentence? (Yes, being....over it)

"Get over it." As a child, I adhered to this bittersweet piece of advice given to me by my older sister, and have followed it for nearly ten years. These words became my life's motto. Any fear, self doubt, or anxiety vanished with this simple, straightforward command. It may appear to be somewhat cynical, but these words have provided me with motivation that has helped me leap over all hurdles in my path.
"Jump! Come down!" This was the first of many times I heeded my sister's advice. As my neighbors shouted at me to jump off the tree I miraculously climbed, I froze. My knees locked up and my vision blurred behind tears. My nine year old body would surely be dismantled if I fell, but I knew there was no other choice. My grip tightened around the branch so hard the pine needles broke off. After a short mental debate with my sense of reasoning, I decided to simply get over it. Fear of falling had cornered me into this predicament and I figured it wasn't worth being feared. So I jumped. After that incident, a couple of bruised knees and scraped palms couldn't hold me back. My fear of heights vanished and that mentality transferred into every aspect of my life. In 2003, I was troubled when my family moved and I had to leave everything behind to start over. After an awful first day as the new kid in the fourth grade, I clung to my motto and got over it. I stopped feeling sorry for myself and made the best out of my new life. Five years later, I anxiously waited for the first day of high school. Receiving my acceptance letter into the specialty center at Cosby was the proudest moment of my eighteen years, as well as the most nerve-wrecking. My mind was clouded with negativity about new challenges and unfamiliar people. Again, my motto helped me make the decision to accept submission into that school, a decision that set in motion the domino effect that led me to where I am today. My personal uniqueness is centered around my positive mindset. This characteristic is not necessarily difficult to attain, yet many people lack it. I do not make the mistake of underestimating the value of a positive outlook. I could have spent the last four years ignoring piles of homework and sleeping in class, but I didn't. Yes, being in the specialty center and taking advanced classes entailed a great amount of extra effort, but just like everything else, I got over it. I knew all along that if I wanted to be the best of the best, then I would do what it took to get me there. There was no need to trouble the mind with thoughts of how, when, or why. I learned to go through each day with my goal in sight, and each day I move a bit closer. Plain and simple.
deremifriThreads: 9
Posts: 172
Author: Michael Ulrich
   
Dec 30, 2011, 08:46pm   #2
Look, it seems like you took this opportunity to praise yourself
But the propt asks for uniqueness and colorfulness, so you should
not describe the things you did in so much detail, but elaborate on how it makes you different.
Also I do not know about the best of the best part, many people want to be the best of the best, so it does not make
you special.
Tryto focus more on "I do not make the mistake of underestimating the value of a positive outlook."
and elaborating on that.

By the way, would you like to check out my essay?
noantwoThreads: -
Posts: 1
Author: S Raza
   
Dec 30, 2011, 08:51pm   #3
This is a well written essay.
I think you should change the last sentence to "It's as simple as that". Start a new paragraph where it says "My personal uniqueness...".
"My nine year old body would surely be dismantled " change dismantled to a better word like damaged or impacted.
"my motto helped me make the decision to accept submission into that school" Dont you meant admission?
need_adviceThreads: 9
Posts: 39
Author: Soni Kaur
  [Suspended]  
Dec 30, 2011, 09:04pm   #4
Thanks for your help guys! :)
deremifriThreads: 9
Posts: 172
Author: Michael Ulrich
   
Dec 30, 2011, 09:15pm   #5
Glad I could help.

If you got time, you could return the favor.
need_adviceThreads: 9
Posts: 39
Author: Soni Kaur
  [Suspended]  
Dec 30, 2011, 09:16pm   #6
Sure thing, which essay? Either of the two?
deremifriThreads: 9
Posts: 172
Author: Michael Ulrich
   
Dec 31, 2011, 12:39am   #7
homeless


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