Topic: the generic - why Engineering and why this school?
I was eight years old the first time I saw a heart pulse. Watching my grandfather cut into the child's chest was unlike anything that I had ever seen; it wasn't like the movies. As the only surgeon in a hundred miles, my grandfather was the only person that people could turn to, and they often did so in the middle of the night. On this night, the patient was a five year old boy, who was slowly dying from an invasive lung infection. His struggle for breath haunted me, even as he received anesthesia. I remember comparing my grandfather's dexterous, supple movements to those I imagined of Leonardo da Vinci. The care he exercised was not the work of a scientist; it was the magic of an artist. This was his life, and it will be mine as well.
Medicine is not just knowledge, academic ability, or even practical skill - it's about having a passion and love for what you do. It's about sacrificing sleep and comfort to make others' lives more comfortable. It's about commitment - not just to society but to self; to ethics, to morals. Watching my grandfather operate taught me that medicine is much like art in that both utilize the highest forms of creativity. As suggested by Raphael's "School of Athens," designing medical technology requires the brotherly union of scientific precision and artistic creativity. Scientists have created the basic machines found in hospitals around the globe; it is now the artist's job to innovate and redesign biomedical technology, making it faster, more precise, and increasingly accessible. To that end, I have made it a point to study as many different fields as possible.
I have researched molecular biology and volunteered in hospitals, but I have also published a book of poems and taught third world students how to paint. I've reveled in ancient marvels, including temples such as the Taj Mahal and palaces like the Red Fort, meticulously studied the architecture, and explored the connections between art, science, form, and mathematics. I have obsessed over mathematics such as the Mandelbrot set that seamlessly blends beauty with calculations for infinity. Like my grandfather's gift for the art of medicine, the architecture of ancient world played with geometry and dĂŠcor, and the greatest mathematicians mixed numbers with aesthetics.
Yale's engineering program appeals to me because not only does it encourage research, innovation, and creativity, it is the only program that actually grows with me and demands a broad curriculum, incorporating more than just the sciences. I plan to imbue my medical biotechnology studies with courses in Art History, Medieval History, and Literature; knowing where the sciences were born is the key to their continued expansion. I plan to sharpen my creative talents and apply them to the sciences because I want to always push the envelope of theory and practicality. I want to make sure that the connection between my academic abilities and my soul is always strong. Students of human nature will always make the best inventors, and I've been studying humanity for as long as I can remember
I love your essay, it reveals many strong characteristics about you. In your conclusion, when you talk about the importance of knowing where the sciences come from, I am sure the admissions officer will be impressed at your level of maturity and foresight in taking those additional classes. My only problem, and it's probably just me, is when you use the word cut in the second sentence, I can't help but cringe at the image of just a knife sinking into the child, can you please make it more gentle. If not, the admissions officer probably won't be as affected as I am.
If you have time, please take a look at my intellectual vitality essay for stanford!
I asked my sister about the same sentence, and she agrees about the cringe factor. I think it's just that phrase in general. No matter which word you use, it'll be a bit unpleasant. However, I think that this unpleasantness works fine now that I've taken another look because you're saying that it's not as cut and dry like the movies.
Thanks for the great advice on my essay! I wish I could give you more, but really yours is already pretty good.
Alright,. I'll try to think of something "more gentle". or maybe try rephrasing the sentence. Thanks!
Great essay, but your third paragraph is out of context.
The third paragraph refers to the last line of my second:
"To that end, I have made it a point to study as many different fields as possible."
I've wanted to show that I'm more substance than just theory.
Is "a five year old boy" (without dashes) fine? I suppose it should be "a five-year-old boy". I'm not a native speaker, so maybe I'm wrong.
I think you should spend some more words on describing your grandfather when he operates. One sentence about his love, his dedication, commitment, etc... - the things that make his work art - would strengthen your idea that: "The care he exercised was not the work of a scientist; it was the magic of an artist." and show how the operation inspired you.
Thank you for revising my essay. I wish I could help you more, but I haven't seen any more mistake yet. I think your essay is very good.
A great essay, I think it paints a picture of your roots, where you come from, where you draw your inspiration from and what you are like outside of the classroom, yet subtly connects you to your academic abilities.
the first time I saw
when i first saw?
sacrificing sleep and comfort to make others' lives more comfortable
comfortable doesnt sound like the right word. and it gets a little odd with sleep and COMFORT being sacrificed. i cant really think of an alternative though.
oh and i love the overall essay! its very well structured and the language is impressive. help with my NYU essay?
