Thank you so much for the help and critique! I truly appreciate it.
Please tell us how you have spent the last two summers (or vacations between school years), including any jobs you have held, if not already detailed on the Common Application. 2500 characters
Shepherding the boisterous group of youngsters, I groaned when I saw what I had to manage: stubborn "Bunny" squatted and hopped with a haughty pout, impish "Dragon" planted seeds of boyish commotion, and an Eiffel tower of ungraded essays cloaked the modest table. I braced myself for the three hours of migraine-inducing tutoring, or rather training, of these wild animals as I berated Dragon for his surreptitious attempts to sabotage his desk. As "Miss Deanna", I both loved witnessing the evolution of students' writing and loathed the demanding position of tyrannical supervisor.
The next year, in the heart of Shanghai I found myself imprisoned by my own supervisors. In traveling with my ballet studio to perform in the Shanghai World Exposition, I anticipated absorbing an eclectic mix of dance styles from Chinese instructors and fully experiencing one of the world's most vibrant cities. However, my only view of the beckoning cityscape came from within the plaster walls of the dorm and caging windows of the bus. I finally understood how it felt to be a squirming child in my tutoring class.
At City of Hope, however, I left my summer research position with a feeling of warmth and fulfillment. Though still supervised, my mentors gave me responsibility and independence, and trusted me with the handling of delicate embryonic cells and toxic, ethidium bromide gels. The director for the department of molecular pharmacology, upon my leaving, sent me a simple, yet most treasured, note, "You are a great student and we all happy to have you." My mentors were not only my supervisors, but also my friends.
Through my summer experiences, I have come to understand what does and does not amount to a fulfilling education and experience. Though I cannot expect that my professors will become my close friends, I relish in the freedom and liberation of thought and action within the educational branches of a Princeton education.
Shepherding the boisterous group of youngsters, I groaned when I saw what I had to manage: stubborn "Bunny" squatted and hopped with a haughty pout, impish "Dragon" planted seeds of boyish commotion, and an Eiffel tower of ungraded essays cloaked the modest table.
this sentence is just a bit confusing but overall great essay
"You are a great student and we all are happy to have you." ----I changed a word so the grammar would be correct. It is not necessary to preserve the grammar error in their note.
I relish in the freedom and liberation of thought and action within the educational branches of a Princeton education.---I cut out some overly complex words. Also, you don't "relish in" anything. "Relish" = "savor" = "enjoy"
I do not enjoy in freedom. I enjoy freedom.
Google this: how to write a thesis statement
Add a thesis statement to the end of the first paragraph.
:-) Good luck, Miss Deanna!
