Yippeeee! Love this feeling. Most pressurized part of admission is over.
Tell me your impressions, whether it flows, makes sense, is focused, if I need to add/subtract anything, etc.
I feel the 2nd para. needs work on its flow. I threw it together kinda like a butcher makes sausage.
I also think I could explain a few ideas in greater detail or with a couple more supportive examples.
Important question, do I need to make a works cited page and cite my sources for the Meno quote and/or the preacher's email article?
Thank you!! :)
Prompt:
Personal Essay
Choose an issue of importance to you - the issue could be personal, school related, local, political, or international in scope - and write an essay in which you explain the significance of that issue to yourself, your family, your community, or your generation.
Here it is:
"...if we believed that we must try to find out what is not known, we should be better and braver and less idle than if we believed that what we do not know it is impossible to find out and that we need not even try."
-Socrates from Plato's dialogue Meno
As the hemlock swiftly dispelled his form's breath and motion, the Greek philosopher Socrates reified faith. Socrates held conviction of such strength that his court defense in its blunt defiance sealed the jurors' final sentence of execution. Thankfully, First Amendment rights protect United States citizens from the type of governmental persecution Socrates faced. Nonetheless, as a follower of Christianity, I admire Socrates's faith. Unfortunately, many followers of religion fail to develop such personal assertion, rendering their supposed faith meaningless. As citizens of the United States, an exemplar of democracy paid for by an unfathomable amount of suffering, religious followers owe the opposite of nonchalant treatment of their liberty. By holding a faith born from investigation, I am honest to myself and the global religious community.
When I asked my mother how she knew God existed, she answered "How do you know Abraham Lincoln existed"? While this answer failed to answer my question, it provided me with the perspective necessary in my search for the truth. The faith a person holds in their belief of a Hindu deity parallels my belief in the sixteenth president. Neither person has seen these two figures in their lifetime, yet both believe the supporting evidence based on authority and reason. Unfortunately, the only trip available to discovering the truth receives low ratings for its enjoyment. I remember the fear I felt knowing that listening to views opposing the faith of my parents meant the possibility of accepting its falsehood. The rewards of attaining truth, however, far exceeded the value of past discomfort.
Several months ago, I received an email from a Midwestern preacher entitled "Will Your Children Grow Up to Be Christians?" To my disappointment, the preacher's article never once mentioned critical thinking. Instead, I gathered the preacher's hypothesis to state that, "if a child was raised in a strong Christian environment, then the child would most likely become a strong Christian." The favorable example set by their parents' Christian actions, he explained, would cause the young adult's faith to blossom. As the child of Christian parents, I reflected upon my own experience of conversion to Christianity. Mixing critical reasoning with my religious study proved essential to finding a faith neither blind nor wavering.
Reading Plato's Apology I find it difficult to imagine Socrates's heart not pounding in his chest as he deliberately presented a defense futile in convincing the council. The bravery and humility of his life's work speaks to followers of all religions. Conviction defines one's faith and, as Socrates asserts, increases a person's virtue. I once asked myself: "Do I differ from a child raised by atheist parents?" "No," I concluded. That child and I accepted parental wisdom, followed routine, and nestled deep into complacency's warmth. Ignoring the snooze button's call and rolling out of bed to greet the goose bumps, we leaped to catch faith from the sky.
I don't think it is necessary to bring religion into it. I don't think Socrates' wisdom is something that conflicts with Christianity... he accepted his punishment as a matter of personal conviction about morality in society, not really as a religions martyr. Unless... am I wrong? Someone please correct me if I am wrong.
Oh, as I continue to read, I see that religion is a major topic of the essay. So, i guess you have to include it, but it seems wrong in that first paragraph to act as though it is difficult to reconcile Christianity with respect for Soc.
The second paragraph makes a weak argument. I am not challenging what you are saying, but... it is probably not a good idea to include that argument. No offense to your mom, but there is a big difference between a god-concept and a historical figure from just 150 years ago.
A better argument is the one C.S. Lewis makes in the beginning of the book Mere Christianity. Another good argument is this: The raw materials for the Big Bang could not have come into existence without something having created them. Something must have existed naturally in the universe, uncaused by anything else. That which existed without being created by anything else is maybe what we can call god.
I like the ending! I think you should change the first paragraph so that it is about this concept of not being so different from a child of parents of a different religion or no religion.
:-)
I'm glad I came upon your essay. I am also a Christian and I feel the essay I'm writing for Texas State over my own experiences is quite nearly a testimony to your point. I hope that you will take the time to give me some feedback after I post my work.
Overall, I really like what you've got here. Your paragraphs are joined nicely, the conclusion is top notch, and that very last sentence is phenomenal. What you're saying stirs me on a personal level though, and that may have made me a little bias.
All I can offer is this, The first couple sentences of your introduction seemed a little congested to me. However, I did really like your choice of the word "reified". On your second paragraph I'm undecided. You make a concise argument, and I can see the merit of providing an example of your investigations, but I don't think its as strong as the rest of the piece. Even still, your last two sentences in that paragraph are great and give your reader a glimpse of the courage that served to keep you moving, and the wisdom your efforts have brought you.
I hope this was helpful or encouraging in some way. I pray God will grant you favor with the admissions board at UT.
Thank you both. Very helpful comments :)
EF Kevin.
Socrates had incredible religious faith that played a major role in his death as I understand from Plato's accounts of his words and ideas.
From Apology , (his court defense)
"Gentlemen of the jury, I am grateful and I am your friend, but I will obey the god rather than you, and as long as I draw breath and am able, I shall not cease to practice philosophy..."
"I leave it to you and the god to judge me in the way that will be best for me and for you"
From Phaedo
"Then perhaps this is not unreasonable, that one must not kill oneself, until the god sends upon one some necessity, just as even now it has come upon me."
-Socrates was convincing his friend Cebes that he was not suicidal, but following the will of the gods; e.i. the court decision
Yes, Socrates accepted death based on morals. But those morals were tied to his religious beliefs.
As for the second paragraph, I wasn't using the historical figure reference as a proof for the existence of God. I was using it to illustrate how individuals come to hold a belief in something they have never seen before with their own eyes. Try to imagine that Abraham Lincoln was false based only on the fact that you have never personally seen his being. You believe him to be true though because you have seen pictures and read/heard of primary and secondary documents discussing his existence. Same with God, I have never seen his being, yet I believe that he exists based upon primary and secondary documents among other evidences. There aren't photographs/portraits of God, but that doesn't matter in the basic point I am presenting. Does it make better sense now? I know this paragraph needs a lot of work. :)
"I think you should change the first paragraph so that it is about this concept of not being so different from a child of parents of a different religion or no religion. "
I would consider it if you proved me wrong on the Socrates idea. I do have a theme that I have yet to work into the intro and conclusion that should focus the essay.
ServantofElohim,
I will be happy to look over your essay. Yeah, but everyone is bias in their own way. The fact that it effected you on some emotional level encourages me. Thanks for the suggestions. I'll pray for you too. :)
