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"Red, my favorite color" - Common App Essay Draft- Needs critiquing



snorlaxativeThreads: 4
Posts: 21
Author: Rory Bauers
   
Dec 29, 2009, 10:25pm   #1
Topic of choice- Pick your prompt of the two I created for it, as the essay answers both:
1. Prominent abolitionist and reformer Frederick Douglass wrote "A man's character always takes its hue, more or less, from the form and color of things about him." What color or abstract form do you associate yourself with, and how do you feel you have been shaped by it?
2. What is your favorite color? Why?
Red
Ever since I was a child, the idea of a favorite color has seemed absurd. To rank, judge and classify something as abstract and intangible as a color meant little to me even then. Despite this, I fell into the trap of forced choice: my pick of favorite was blue; a deep, masculine shade that represented little more than a pressured decision in order to fit the bill. It was only later on that favorite colors began to take on some meaning. So, while a favorite color may be a predisposition to aesthetics; one may prefer the cheery brightness of yellow to the solemn tranquility of purple, and another may prefer that same solemn tranquility to the scathing scorch of orange, "favorite" colors can be derived from the specific qualities of a person, whether they are based on physicality (deep blue eyes or dark brown skin) or personality (a lighthearted, cheery "yellow" disposition). For some, these colors shape and mold experiences, exerting enough influence to seep into and tinge the canvas of life with their hue. The Roman Emperor Marcus Aurelius said "The soul becomes dyed with the color of its thoughts."
My color is red. Externally, the first thing anyone notices about is the shiny red (or orange, it's debatable and pointless) hair that bounces atop my head. My red hair has put me through many hardships and brought me many smiles I have been ostracized, criticized, told that I have no soul, and that soon "my species" would be going extinct. My various nicknames encompass Shaun White, Napoleon Dynamite, Ron Weasley, and Carrot Top. But there is an upside to this: the fleeting stranger takes notice. "Oh, I wish I had your hair!" many say. The compliments and comments I receive usually take on this tone of friendly envy, though they oft shower me with praise, and can be reminiscent and nostalgic, "when I was your age, my hair looked just like that!"
I named myself with my redness. Before I was born, my parents were set on the name David, but when I emerged from the womb, soft orange follicles sprouting from my head, they immediately discarded their plan and changed it. "He's Rory," my mum (another redhead) said, stroking my hair gently. In fact, Rory is an anglicized version of Ruaridh, a Gaelic name that translates into "the red haired one" or "the red haired king." My mum's maiden name, McElroy, also translates into "the son of the red haired one," indicating that this has been an identity in my family for generations.
I carry with me the connotation of my color. Red is symbolic of passion, fiery enthusiasm, and sharp, biting wit. I am well-read, well red, and well-spoken. The world around me is fascinating, and I am thrilled to explore it; through staying active with my own pursuits of pleasure as well as academic discipline. I attend plays and concerts regularly, and am as ready and eager to immerse myself into a Great American Novel as much as into the mishmash of a mosh pit.
Being redheaded is my dissimilarity that has allowed me to continue down the path of the idiosyncratic and unconventional. It is the color of danger and warning, and of the barriers that must be ignored in order to take risks, and exceed intellectual and social norms. Moreover, I am red because I choose to be. It is not a predetermined set of recessive genes that create my personality, nor is it that my hair follicles actually seep into my brain and tint the hue of my thoughts. My bright red hair, my flushed face, and my undesirable tendency to turn bright pink under the red hot sun only serve as metaphors for the internal. It is the emotional intensity and vitality of life I possess, and my desire to succeed in my studies and my life.
So now, if anyone dares to ask me my favorite color, I will lock eyes with them, and respond challengingly, "Red. But it is much, much more than that."



snorlaxativeThreads: 4
Posts: 21
Author: Rory Bauers
   
Dec 29, 2009, 11:21pm   #2
If anyone could please offer some insight or ideas, it would be very helpful.


bluemenonThreads: 2
Posts: 10
Author: Ashwini Menon
   
Dec 29, 2009, 11:25pm   #3
My red hair has put me through many hardships and brought me many smiles.

though they often? shower me with praise

Maybe could work more on the transition from paragraph 2 to 3. Try to make the connection between being a re-head and having an out-going personality a bit clearer if you can.

I really like your essay and I personally feel that it fits the first prompt better. Hope this helps!


snorlaxativeThreads: 4
Posts: 21
Author: Rory Bauers
   
Dec 30, 2009, 02:04am   #4
Thanks! I'll keep that in mind as I revise! Anyone else have any tips or insight?


gynn92Threads: 3
Posts: 33
Author: Ginny Lee
   
Dec 30, 2009, 02:08am   #5
You know, I've never read a "color" essay before, but this is GOOD. lol

Suggestion: take out, "ever since I was child"
I like I carry with me the connotation and the very last sentence. Very unique.


Will you check my essay?

Thank you and good luck!


hern255Threads: 13
Posts: 71
Author: Jhopselyn Hernandez
   
Dec 30, 2009, 04:22am   #6
This is really good!
I enjoyed reading it!
I think you should take the first prompt, it is more like a college question for a big essay would be. It would be definitely not an easy one and you present an accurate and creative answer for it!

Good job! :)


autogunnyThreads: 3
Posts: 84
Author: Arvind Ravichandran
   
Dec 30, 2009, 04:37am   #7
Red
Ever since I was a child, the idea of a favorite color has seemed absurd. To rank, judge and classify something as abstract and intangible as a color meant little to me even then. Despite this, I fell into the trap of forced choice: my pick of favorite was blue; a deep, masculine shade that represented little more than a pressured decision in order to fit the bill. It was only later on that favorite colors began to take on some meaning.[For a second, there I thought you were gonna do an argument on how choosing a color was morally unjustified. Then you caught me in surprise by going of on a tangent about how colors resemble people's dispositions. EXCELLENT TOPIC. THE ONLY PROBLEM? You need to define the transition better. 'It was only later on that favorite colors began to take on some meaning' just doesn't cut it as a transition to monumental shifts. So, while a favorite color may be a predisposition to aesthetics; one may prefer the cheery brightness of yellow to the solemn tranquility of purple, and another may prefer that same solemn tranquility to the scathing scorch of orange, "favorite" colors can be derived from the specific qualities of a person, whether they are based on physicalityphysique (deep blue eyes or dark brown skin) or personality (a lighthearted, cheery "yellow" disposition). For some, these colors shape and mold experiences, exerting enough influence to seep into and tinge the canvas of life with their hue. The Roman Emperor Marcus Aurelius said "The soul becomes dyed with the color of its thoughts."I agree with Roman Emperro Marcus Aurelius when he said that the soul becomes "dyed with the color of its thoughts."
My color is red.Nice transition, caught me by surprise Externally, the first thing anyone[a stranger would] notice about me is the shiny red (or orange, it's debatable and pointlessorange, if you were curious about the shade) hair that bounces atop my head. My red hair has put me through many hardships and brought me many smiles. I have been ostracized, criticized, told that I have no soul, and that soon "my species" would be going extinct. My various nicknames encompass Shaun White, Napoleon Dynamite, Ron Weasley, and Carrot Top.A touch of humor, good job. But there is an upside to this: the fleeting stranger takes notice. "Oh, I wish I had your hair!" many say. The compliments and comments I receive usually take on this tone of friendly envy. Alhough they often shower me with praise, andthey can be reminiscent and nostalgic, "when I was your age, my hair looked just like that!"
I named myself with my redness. Before I was born, my parents were set on the name David, but when I emerged from the womb, soft orange follicles sprouting from my head, they immediately discarded their plan and changed it. "He's Rory," my mum (another redhead) said, stroking my hair gently. In fact, Rory is an anglicized version of Ruaridh, a Gaelic name that translates into "the red haired one" or "the red haired king." My mum's maiden name, McElroy, also translates into "the son of the red haired one," indicating that this has been an identity[defining trait] in my family for generations.
I carry with me the connotation of my color. Red is symbolic of passion, fiery enthusiasm, and sharp, biting wit. I am well-read, well red[the paralleism is confusing], and well-spoken. The world around me is fascinating, and I am thrilled to explore it; through staying active with my own pursuits of pleasure as well as academic discipline. I attend plays and concerts regularly, and am as ready and eager to immerse myself into a Great American Novel as much as into the mishmash of a mosh pit.
Being redheaded is my dissimilarity that has allowed me to continue down the path of the idiosyncratic and unconventional. It is the color of danger and warning, and of the barriers that must be ignored in order to take risks, and exceed intellectual and social norms. Moreover, I am red because I choose to be. It is not a predetermined set of recessive genes that create my personality, nor is it that my hair follicles actually seep into my brain and tint the hue of my thoughts. My bright red hair, my flushed face, and my undesirable tendency to turn bright pink under the red hot sun only serve as metaphors for the internal. It is the emotional intensity and vitality of life I possess, and my desire to succeed in my studies and my life.
So now, if anyone dares to ask me my favorite color, I will lock eyes with them, and respond challengingly, "Red. But it is much, much more than that."

One of the best essay I've seen. Can you please critique my common app essay? http://www.essayforum.com/undergraduate-admission-essays-2/critique-co mmon-app-essay-improve-13630/


Wanderer_xThreads: 5
Posts: 111
   
Dec 30, 2009, 04:47am   #8
Amazing work!

snorlaxative:
So, while a favorite color may be a predisposition to aesthetics; one may prefer the cheery brightness of yellow to the solemn tranquility of purple, and another may prefer that same solemn tranquility to the scathing scorch of orange, "favorite" colors can be derived from the specific qualities of a person, whether they are based on physicality (deep blue eyes or dark brown skin) or personality (a lighthearted, cheery "yellow" disposition).

This is one long sentence. You can break it into three sentences. After aesthetics, comma, not semi-colon. After purple, fullstop. After orange, another fullstop. That way, your ideas will be easier to follow.

I'd love if you'd review my commonapp essay.




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