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"My Real Life Hero" - Common Application Essay Help-- Significant Influence



desidude2011Threads: 1
Posts: 3
Author: Vaibhav Hans
   
Dec 21, 2009, 02:45pm   #1
Please give input on whether or not i have answered the prompt correctly, and correct any grammar!
THANKS a lot!

Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.

My Real Life Hero

When we think about the heroes that helped improve our lives, we often think of people such as Martin Luther King Jr. and Thomas Jefferson. These famous figures emulate the saying, "Some people dream of success, while others wake up and work hard at it." Students of my generation hear great things of these revolutionary leaders. We truly owe them thanks for the world we live in today. However, I began to wonder; these figures have shaped the world around me, but who has shaped me? I remember the time when my cousin dressed just like my aunt, and my other cousin sat in the same position as my uncle. At this point I realized that children are molded by their teachers: fathers, grandfathers, grandmothers, uncles, aunts, school teachers, and most importantly, mothers. Ineluctably, I was primarily influenced by my mother.

SEE BELOW



goldeneye98Threads: 2
Posts: 36
Author: Preeti Arunapuram
   
Dec 21, 2009, 04:02pm   #2
I feel that this essay would be much stronger if you placed more emphasis on how your mother contributed with your own personal growth. Remember that this is a personal essay and is supposed to reflect your personality or your personal growth over time. The details you put in about your mother's achievements are definitely important and laudable, but putting in things about yourself and how you benefited from her influence will make your essay much stronger.


desidude2011Threads: 1
Posts: 3
Author: Vaibhav Hans
   
Dec 21, 2009, 06:32pm   #3
thanks a lot Preeti
I will work on it and repost in a bit


RabiaGThreads: 1
Posts: 36
Author: Rabia Gul
   
Dec 21, 2009, 07:24pm   #4
When we think about the heroes that helped improve our lives, we often think of people such as Martin Luther King Jr. and Thomas Jefferson. These famous figures emulate the saying, "Some people dream of success, while others wake up and work hard at it." Students of my generation hear great things of these revolutionary leaders. We truly owe them thanks for the world we live in today.

(I think these sentences can be perceived as offensive. Because it seems like your challenging the fact that they did not improve our lives. I know that wasn't your intention, but make sure you mention these ideas, and especially relating to politics , in a softer way)

(You might even want to erase that line, sorry, I seem like I'm killing your paragraph. But it somewhat goes off topic)

But other than that, the overall content is well-written!

GOOD LUCK


autumnwaveThreads: 11
Posts: 61
Author: TB
   
Dec 21, 2009, 07:26pm   #5
Your essay is so moved. It express how wonderful your mother is. (I feel that your mom is like Obama's mother from the dream of my father)And in its (your essay), there are some useful advices such as: "Some people dream of success, while others wake up and work hard at it", "Sweat plus sacrifice equals success", "Hard work and knowledge never go to waste,"... It's great. I really like it, Hans

Have a good time!


desidude2011Threads: 1
Posts: 3
Author: Vaibhav Hans
   
Dec 22, 2009, 01:23am   #6
Here is the edited version..
Could you guys help me check for grammar issues now.. and i still have one or two passive sentences i cant fix!

My Real Life Hero

When we think about the heroes that helped improve our lives, we think of people such as Martin Luther King Jr. and Thomas Jefferson. These famous figures emulate the saying, "Some people dream of success, while others wake up and work hard at it." Students of my generation hear great things of these visionary leaders. These figures have shaped the world around me, however, who has shaped me? I remember the time when my cousin would dress up to resemble my aunt, as well as when my other cousin would sit in the same manner as my uncle. At that point, I realized that children always try to imitate their teachers: fathers, grandfathers, grandmothers, uncles, aunts, school teachers, and most importantly, mothers. Ineluctably, I was primarily influenced by my mother.

Twelve years ago, when my family immigrated to the United States, it was solely because of my mother's diligence that my family successfully adjusted to a new world. I still remember feeling very uncomfortable with my peers and would insist on not going to school. My mother's relentless efforts to help me learn English really exemplified the perseverance that I value most. She spent endless hours helping me learn English: she would watch my favorite shows with me instead of her shows: she would spend time with my peers and me instead of relaxing. This very model of determination, perseverance, and a never-give-up sort of attitude for such a hard venture was seeded in me for the rest of my life. On top of this, in times of hardships, she would tell me, "To be able to do it, you have to believe that you can do it." I established this advice as one of my life's motto that guided me with a positive attitude in everything I did. Not only was I eventually studded with a prestigious Youth Citizenship award, I was also selected as a member of my middle school student counsel. This very positive attitude and determinism extended onto the tennis courts. Even though I joined my school's tennis team as a raw player, I practiced whenever I could, and eventually made Varsity.

Along with these challenges, my mother suddenly decided to attain yet another Master's degree in computer sciences. Most of our family friends discouraged her from attempting to go through college while still raising two kids but she was not dissuaded and continued with this endeavor. I can proudly say that I inherited this "quest for knowledge" from my mother. This has become a way of life for me and even today I look for opportunities to learn more. Perhaps this only drove me to pick a research topic on the difficult disease "Leishmania major" for my personal project in my sophomore year. This project preceded my current research on Chemotherapy and its effects on Acute Lymphocytic Leukemia Cells.

Another one of her beliefs was that "Hard work and knowledge never go to waste," and this soon this became my belief as well. I emphasized my academic life and was thereby selected for the Math Counts team in seventh grade because of my extra efforts in Math; I was ranked seventh against competitive eighth grade students in the regional competition. My exemplary performance also made me a favorable candidate for the SAIL program at school.

Another aspect of her personality that has influenced me is her passion for her culture. Even though she lives away from her own country, she still observes her own religious virtues, traditions, foods, and music. This has seeded my cultural background in me; I have created my own cultural identity that I am proud of. She also volunteers in our community group to help children learn the Indian language. My mother's act of giving to the community has instigated me to do my share as well. I volunteer at any music related activities in local groups such as Balagokulam. My community involvement only led me to another volunteering opportunity at the hospital. The Junior Volunteer program allows me to interact with patients to make their stay more comfortable. I very much enjoy this activity and plan to continue giving to my community in some form wherever life takes me. Helping improve the lives of others has led me to consider medicine as my future profession so that I can serve the people in the most beneficial way possible.

Through and through I have seen my mother excel in her field of work by virtue of her hard work and perseverance. Those very qualities are now imbibed in me. I look at myself as a determined, confident, hard working, and a rational person who is ready to take any kind of commitment or challenge. I truly owe this to my mother and rejoice the saying, "Sweat plus sacrifice equals success." I am looking forward to a day when I am a successful established individual.


ChanelD1Threads: 1
Posts: 4
Author: Chanel Dawson
   
Dec 25, 2009, 04:09am   #7
Great job. Your narrative is brilliant and it shows how your mother inspired you.

She spent endless hours helping me learn English:*
(Teaching me? maybe)


Along with these challenges, my mother suddenly decided to attain yet another Master's degree in computer sciences. *
(suddenly decided to peruse and addiotnal Master's degree)

Other than a few grammatical issues, this is wonderful.


goldeneye98Threads: 2
Posts: 36
Author: Preeti Arunapuram
   
Dec 25, 2009, 10:50am   #8
Yes, I agree. This is much, much better.

Fix some grammar and you are golden! Good luck!




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