"Identify a contemporary issue or problem that has concerned you to the point of getting involved. What has been the nature of your involvement to date? Why is this issue or problem important to you? Please limit your response to a single page."
My paper is 3/4 of a page. I can't seem to get a good essay out of this prompt, but here is my most recent attempt. Any help is greatly appreciated.
The public library is, perhaps, one of the most understated locales in many cities and towns around the country; many people tend to consider it a free bookstore at best or a soul-sucking tomb of boredom at worst. In reality, that one building provides internet access and computers-necessities for many students and adults, regardless of their available funds-as well as seminars designed to help people learn how to utilize the equipment available in a technological-driven world, and programs for children to introduce them to their peers and many new experiences. And that does not even include the books, audiobooks, music, and movies available to patrons.
With all that the library does for the community, one would think that it would be secure in its funding. Unfortunately, local and state governments throughout the country have cut funding to public library systems despite the rise in attendance that many have seen. The opposing trends of funding and demand typically result in an overworked staff that lacks the ability to hire additional assistance, leaving patrons with less material and slower aid, and libraries with cut hours and programming.
All my life, I have been an avid library attendee; whether it meant going to school a few minutes early to visit its library, or convincing my family to take me to the local library, I was eager to go. I have participated in the libraries' story-hours, used their computers, borrowed their books, gone to their educational programs and activities. I have even been in the staff rooms with my librarian mother, and it was there in ninth grade that I first realized how hard-pressed the employees were. There were stacks of books waiting to be checked into the system, filling three carts almost to the bursting point, and another three waiting to be shelved where patrons could view them.
It seemed wrong that all those books were locked away in a back room, that the patrons could not borrow them, and I knew that I needed to help somehow. The Summer Reading Program had just begun and there were plenty of volunteer spaces to fill, so I filled out the right forms and landed myself a job. At first, I could only sit at the registration desk, sign up participants, and clean books-and that was certainly a bizarre assignment-but, eventually, the backlog of waiting books grew too high and I was trained in shelving. I took to the task quickly, thanks to years of roaming up and down the stacks, and was left to work on my own.
Between the limits caused by my age and the time spent at the registration desk, I was only able to volunteer as a page and shelve books once or twice a week, but with the help of a few other volunteers and the actual pages, the buildup of books began to decrease. Instead of five or six carts in the back room, there were two or three, the displays did not stay empty for nearly as long, and I imagined the shelves were fuller.
I have volunteered at the library every summer between activities and family trips since moving to this new town, and have worked to bring in other volunteers. In this time, I helped form the Teen Advisory Board which, as the name suggests, consists of teens trying the make the library more appealing to our peers. I have manned stations at children events and I sang with my schools smaller choir to provide free entertainment for Santa Claus's visits.
It may not be traveling to third world countries to fight diseases or hunger, but easing the load on the local libraries has helped enable a better educated community which may have long-lasting effects.
1) 1st paragraph: I think there is too much information in the second sentence. Although there is little that you have to change in grammar, I suggest having some shorter sentences that still convey why you feel a public library is important. What do you mean when you state that children are introduced to their peers? Do you mean that children can interact or have shared experiences with their peers because of library programs? Please explain this to the reader. Change technological driven to technologically driven.
2) 2nd paragraph: This first sentence can be changed when you discuss that libraries would be secure in its funding. I suggest discussing consistent and adequate funding. This would mean that not only is it ongoing but there are enough funds to continue operating. I would take out the word leaving in the third sentence. If you read this sentence again with this change, it will show that these problems are consistent with lack of funding and demand.
3) 3rd paragraph: I would like you to simplify the first sentence. I think there are too many details in this sentence. Ex: I have always enjoyed going to the zoo as a child; whether it was with my teacher or school friends, I enjoyed seeing the giraffes, monkeys and tigers-even if it was the end of the school year. Correction: I have always enjoyed going to the zoo as a child. My fondest memories of going to the zoo were with my schoolmates. We enjoyed spending the whole day seeing the giraffes, monkeys, tigers, and other zoo animals.
This example is to show you how to correct your paper. Make sure your sentences are not run-on sentences or have too many details. You can lose the reader's attention.
I would change "gone to their" to "and attended their" to describe your participation in the libraries educational programs and activities. Please make this correction: "my mother, who is a librarian,..." How did you realize how hard pressed employees were if you were in a staff room? It seems like you were able to understand what the employees experienced through your observations. Also, I'm unsure about the explanation of filling three carts. The sentence does not explain that these were the duties of the employees. If you observed this at the library feel free to explain it this way.
4) 4th paragraph: How did you know there were books locked away? What are those books? Is this a real cause of concern? I assume this is as a reader, but you don't discuss it in your paper. Also, remember that some books are banned. Therefore, it is necessary to explain why this problem existed.
5) 5th paragraph: I would leave the explanation about imagining the shelves were fuller. You were a great help to the library and this contributed to a more organized and efficient system. You can state this in another sentence, but please leave the word imagine out of this paragraph.
6) 6th paragraph: Change the second sentence by stating "trying to make the library" and change our peers to other teens. I'm confused about the last sentence. Are you talking about the library or yourself? Also, it is a sentence that is by itself so I think it should be included in the paragraph. Use a transition word (i.e. Nevertheless) at the beginning on the sentence to link it to the rest of the paragraph.
Are you still helping the library? Did you volunteer last summer or are you planning on volunteering this summer? This will help you answer your level of involvement to date. Good job! I hope this helps you.
