a psychology major, passion for learning: Common App transfer essay

I am seeking to transfer for the Fall '10, and was hoping you guys would give me some advice on how to edit and make my essay a stronger one. Thanks in advance!!!!

Please provide a statement (250 words minimum) that addresses your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve.
May 28, 2008, "Arrivederci liceo! Ciao universitŕ!", were the exact words my peers and I shouted as our last days of high school approached. Thoughts of college partying, lots of procrastination and new experiences approached their minds. Many got in their cars and headed off to a new life, happily waving goodbye to mom and dad. I, however, got in my car and headed for the Sahara desert.

Now, I've never been to the Sahara desert. Nonetheless, I seemed to have built my entire life and future goals around it. I am driving in a straight, boundless and continuous road in the middle of the Sahara desert. There is not a hint of life but mine, not one tree producing oxygen. It is a lucid picture containing my car, an endless road, countless shinning stars and myself. As time passes by, there are constant meteor showers comprised of tree trunks, unexpected exits and frequent food stops. However, to me it is not just a tree trunk that happened to plummet in the middle of the road impeding me to continue my journey. This tree trunk represents a challenge in my life. It is not just an exit I mistakenly took and can turn back to. This exit embodies an important decision I made in my life with no regret. The frequent food stops do not merely contain food to keep me strong and sturdy. The stops exhibit the importance of my mentors to inspire and motivate me to continue.

At that precise moment, the tree trunk represented my transition from high school to college. As a first generation college student, my parents and my lack of experience with college applications seemed to accelerate the approaching deadlines. Confused (or troubled?) and overwhelmed, I decided to attend Miami Dade Community College. To my unfortunate dismay, a bigger tree trunk dropped unexpectedly from the sky. I realized Miami Dade was the complete opposite of what I had expected. It felt like the continuation of high school, as if this was "13th grade". The school lacked unity, motivation, challenges and a lack of aspiration from the students. Most of the students are (were?) from Miami, had been here their entire life and did not look beyond the bounds of home. I had looked forward to an exiting new experience in which I would meet ambitious, and diverse people from all over the world who aspire to become prominent leaders. Moreover, I seeked to be in an environment where professors encourage their students to make a difference inside and outside the classroom.

In my road, a new car represents the accomplishment of a goal. At any given time that I achieve a desired goal, my current car is upgraded. Naturally, I have an ultimate car I intend to drive, and that is the Lamborghini Murcielago LP 640 Roadster. I will be upgraded to this car the day I feel I have been successful in my life, meaning the day I wake up and sense that I have accomplished what I intended. There are numerous goals that I wish and plan to accomplish in my lifetime.

I love living in Miami, a big city that is constantly in action; however, I am ready for something unfamiliar and unknown to me. I long to meet people with different cultures that will help me comprehend the world around me better and where I will be able to share my culture and diversity as well.

I have put much thought and consideration when it came to choosing which colleges I planned on applying to. In my Sahara desert road, each school is represented by an unexpected exit. Choosing a college is a significant and crucial decision in one's life. I yearn to be in a school that will provide me with an opportunity to attain the skills I will need in life. Skills that will aid me in making everyday decisions, as well as skills I will use to conduct research experiments' in my intended major, Cognitive Psychology, and accomplish my goal of communicating my message of abstinence across to others.

Additionally, I crave to be in an environment that will satisfy me in both my academic and personal life. As a psychology major, I look for a psychology department that will provide me with the various resources that will aid to broaden my knowledge and perspectives. I hope to further my ability to view issues not just from my perspectives but from cultural perspectives as well, and to raise questions that will help further others' and my own knowledge. As a person, I seek to be emotionally happy and meet new people whom I will work with, learn from and grow with.

Furthermore, even though Miami Dade was not what I had hoped for, I have had four rewarding semester. Nevertheless, I am ready to change cars and move up. My determination, aspiration and will to succeed have helped me grow and become an adult. I now aspire to be in a college that will challenge me to the extent I know I can be challenged. I am still a few cars away from my Lamborghini, and there are still many more tree trunks to fall and exits to come. However, my passion for learning will take me far and transferring colleges is just the beginning.

You should rewrite this sentence or replace it with something different. It is confusing and awkward. I think you can improve it.

I also think you should a one more sentence to the end of the first paragraph: a thesis statement that captures -- in a single sentence -- the main idea of the whole essay.


good sentence!!!

Moreover, I sought to be in an environment where professors encourage their students to make a difference inside and outside the classroom.

There are numerous goals that I wish and plan to accomplish in my lifetime. I wish to accomplish numerous goals in my lifetime.

Interesting stuff here... you are a ntural writer, I think... if there is such a thing.

Something is not right here - how did your parents and lack of experience accelerate the deadlines?


I reread this several times until I found what kept me stumbling in your intro paragraph. If there are no trees, why are there "constant meteor showers comprised of tree trunks?" Did you mean the trunks of dead trees (I guess so as it is in the Sahara, right?) Conflicting imagery to me.



The third and fourth paragraphs don't fit with the first two. The maserati final upgrade analogy is cool but out of place. Up to now, the reader still in a desert with plummeting tree trunks. Maybe consider introducing this point upfront in beginning paragraph when you mention a car "In my road, a new car represents the accomplishment of a goal."


This comes out of the blue (like another meteor/tree trunk.) If this is of importance to expressing your values, it would help to clarify what you mean by "message of abstinence."

EF_Kevin: Thanks for the advice, I am working on a good thesis statement to add!

"I reread this several times until I found what kept me stumbling in your intro paragraph. If there are no trees, why are there "constant meteor showers comprised of tree trunks?" Did you mean the trunks of dead trees (I guess so as it is in the Sahara, right?) Conflicting imagery to me."

^Linmark, what I meant what that there were no trees around.. or to be seen. The tree trunks that dropped were from the sky. These represented obstacles. It could be seen as both a tree falling or just a piece of it. Should I reword this differently?

I decided to take out the part of abstinence out. I think it's too much "out of the blue".

Thank you so much for your advice guys!! It really helps ALOT!!