I'm not sure whether my writing style is okay. Or do I need to make it in a more serious and professional tone? Please help!!
Topic: Please tell us how you have spent last two summers, including any jobs you have held, if not already detailed on the common application.
Summers are like colorful rainbow bridges. Varying colors are different experiences and feelings. Because of them, we have colorful lives.
Red is my burning passion for engineering. These two summers, I launched on my research of Vending Machines. I dashed to intern, drew numerous drafts to conceive, jumped into the network long to search information, and utilized every possible resource to experiment.
Orange and yellow are the warm of love. This summer, my main work at City Charity Federation was to sum up the money donations for the Wen Chuan Earthquake. In 20 days, I went over countless receipts and bills donated by countless strange people, but I felt incredibly familiar with all of them, for I knew they are those people just around me, with whom I am breathing the same air, tasting the same tears and also immersing in the very same mood- sorrow, hope and bless.
Green is the cheerful color of the park near my home. In summers, I always sketch in the park every morning. I love catching the tiny glamour of the world on paper, may it be old men performing Taijiquan in the breeze, young people running round and round, or the diamonds held high by the grass. The world is always so fresh. I sketched my surroundings, just as I belonged to them.
Blue and indigo are my calmness in designing my personal website. One will easily get lost in the ocean of intriguing Flash Functions, so I had to keep my mind clear all the time. To give life to a little car, whose motion will be released after a click, I wrote ActionScript line by line; to fulfill my kingdom, I patiently set one stone upon another.
Purple it is the color of my friend's face when she received a big box of insects we presented her together on her birthday. But she went red excitedly again as she discovered they were all made by candies and chocolate. After all, how could we forget to have fun in summers?
By going through red to purple and to red again, I walk across summers and move in the journey of life. On the rainbow arches, I grow.
I love your essay. The way you wrote it is creative. But I dont know what style should be "ok".
During these past two summers, I launched on my research of Vending Machines.
I dashed to intern, drew numerous drafts to conceive, jumped into the network longing to search for information, and utilized every possible resource to experiment.
In 20 days, I went over countless receipts and bills donated by countless strange people, but I felt incredibly familiar with all of them, for I knew they are those people just around me, with whom I am breathing the same air, tasting the same tears and also immersing in the very same mood- sorrow, hope and bliss.This sentence could be divided into 2 for clarities sake?
But she went red excitedly again as she discovered they were all made of candy and chocolate. After all, how could we forget to have fun in summer?
very cute essay, innovative and well set up:)
its very creative!!!!!
but just a few things
I always sketch in the park every morning- this sounds redundant
maybe I sketch in the park every morning
Thank you Kevin!! =]
I changed the sentence this way:
In 20 days, I went over countless receipts and bills donated by countless strange people, but I felt incredibly familiar with all of them, for I knew they are people just around me. We are breathing the same air, tasting the same tears and also immersing in the very same mood - sorrow, hope and bless.
Also thanks for procrastination and wind!
