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"Pressures" -any significant experiences you have had, or accomplishments


los2294 /  
Aug 7, 2010   #1
MY ESSAY FOR ACET, pls help me finalize and edit it,

Hi! I'd like some feedback/constructive criticism concerning my essay,
the latter part is not yet edited and finalized, i just wrote my ideas, pls help me.
its just that im in the state of procrastination, and really need a helping hand,
the question is:

" Are there any significant experiences you have had, or accomplishments you have realized,that have helped to define you as a person?"

Aristotle once said, "Knowing oneself, is the beginning of all wisdom". Thus, knowing oneself is the entity's foundation, the commencement of an individual to fully acquire the essence of life. Being acquainted to yourself is not just by merely looking at your reflection as you stand in front of a full-length mirror. But, is gradually obtained as your self, your very own mentor, teaches you every aspects of it.

As a dynamic figure enrolled in a quaint educational institution, my life as a student doesn't differ from anyone. A hectic schedule that would give havoc in your plans, loads of exams that would surely liquefy your brain, terror teachers that will make your knees tremble, and competitive classmates struggling

To sum up all of these, it is what you call pressures. Pressures are always present and are unequivocally inevitable. But if you try to widen your perspective on such thing, you'll realize it is But for me, I take it as a challenge. Besides, just like diamond, its basic form of it is carbon, but through pressure, it became diamond, and let itself shine.
Shadow93 9 / 40  
Aug 7, 2010   #2
Hmmm... I had experience with the ACET (Ateneo Exam if I am not mistaken) and generally the essay should be a lot longer than that.

A few mistakes I noticed

knowing oneself is the entity's foundation

I dont think entity is a good word choice, try "foundation of personal growth" or something.

As an essay, its not very coherent. There is no clear narrative and transition between paragrahps. An expansion of the discussion on pressures experienced during your school days along with how it transformed you as an individual is necessary. Provide more details rather than the abstract diamond example.

But if you try to widen your perspective on such thing, you'll realize it is But for me, I take it as a challenge. Besides, just like diamond, its basic form of it is carbon, but through pressure, it became diamond, and let itself shine.

I dont really understand this part, Widen your perspective on what? Realize what? Its not very informative.

A better rephrase of the last line will be, "Carbon, through pressure, becomes diamond. And it is the diamond that lights the world." or something like that :D

Good Luck! ^_^
Yayz 10 / 121  
Aug 7, 2010   #3
Your essay is rather hard to follow and you don't elaborate much. You seem to be using words, phrases, and irrelevant examples to show your intelligence but you aren't really saying anything. You definitely need more specific examples that you clearly relate to your thesis. You've started writing, now focus on improving your skills. Good luck
MrTom 6 / 13  
Aug 8, 2010   #4
Before you use some specific examples to illustrate your point you need to have some ideas. It seems that you haven't think clearly about your main point before writing.


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