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"the present-day world is an open world" - UCF bump in the road essay


LynnBrown 2 / -  
Jun 10, 2010   #1
hello everyone! i'd be really appreciate if you could revise my essay.
"If there has been some obstacle or "bump in the road," in your academic or personal life, please explain the circumstances"

It is said that the present-day world is an open world. People in the modern society live more mobile and open-minded lives. A few years back I took this idea literally and moved from Russia to the States.

I was 21 years old and I was sure that anything is possible in this life as long as you know what you want. At that time I was a student with a half-way left to bachelor degree in Sociology and future life in my hometown. But I couldn't stand the idea of studying the society without knowing anything but the only place I've ever lived at. I decided I want to try something else and went to the USA.

The decision like that is not easy to make, even harder to bring it to life. Soon I found out it's not easy to start your life in the different country. Adapting to the new society was truly the challenge. But now, as never before, I was able to see different culture and new people, learn about their lifestyle. I was gaining valuable experience for my future field of study.

After I left Russia for the United States I had to take a break from school. Timeout in my study has helped me realize that to achieve my goals I have to go back to school. It was only matter of time when. I started to work full-time job to save up some money, meanwhile improving my language. The experience of living on my own has definitely influenced and evolved my communication skills, broaden my mind, helped me to become confident and responsible adult.

People could look back and say I have wasted some time, but this has been my journey in finding myself and what I have passion to do. This overall experience helped me to see the path I want to follow in my life. I cannot think of a better place than the UCF for a next step in my new life.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Jun 11, 2010   #2
A few years back I took this idea literally and moved from Russia to the States.

Add one sentence after this sentence to show that you moved BECAUSE of "a desire to participate in the process of globalization." This idea of taking globalization literally is such an interesting idea!! :-)

Great job, I really like the premise of this essay.

use twenty-one instead of 21.
separate the 2 parts of a compound sentence with a comma:
I was 21 years old, and I was sure that anything is possible in this life as long as you know what you want.
And change so the verb tense is consistent:
I was 21 years old, and I was sure that anything was possible in this life as long as you knew what you wanted. --- it is not incorrect to do it the way you did it, but it sounds nice to the reader if you keep the tense consistent.

at
But I couldn't stand the idea of studying the society without knowing anything but the only place I've ever lived at .

A decision like that is hard to make and even harder to bring it to life.

Lengthen the last few paragraphs by adding a few sentences about the plan you developed for your future. That wll really complete the essay. Be specific when describing your future plans.

:-)


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