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'Preparation for diploma and the real world' - UVA personal essay



TheN3094Threads: 4
Posts: 24
Author: Nathalia ossio     		Dec 29, 2011, 04:20pm   #1
Well the common app gives you many choices and I thought I would put this under "own topic". Do you think its a good idea? I kinda wanted to use it because its a fun little essay that kinda shows my personality and also shows why I wan't to go to that college. ANY HELP IS GREATLY APPRECIATED!!!!!




To me the University of Virginia is like the ultimate sundae that you only seem to find in one ice cream shop in the world. How is the university similar to a sundae you may ask? The answer is quite simple. Like any good sundae it contains three different ice cream scoops, UVA contains three different top qualities. It has a challenging, well planned curriculum, a staff that is well prepared and more than willing to help you reach your goals to graduate, and a beautiful, well equipped campus. The fluffy, sweet whipped topping of those three scoops is the unimaginable pride and love that each student feels for the University of Virginia. All the positive energy that the student body emits is so overwhelmingly captivating that it's practically impossible to resist the urge to one day call yourself a Cavalier. The cherry on top of this sundae is just as small, but it is so important that any sundae just wouldn't be a sundae without it. This cherry is a diploma. UVA works from the ground up to help you reach that day that you proudly receive your diploma and graduate. Not only does it prepare you for your diploma, but it also prepares you for the real world, whether that be in Virginia or some other part of the globe. So you see, like the ultimate sundae, you can never find another "University of Virginia" out there no matter how hard or how far you look.
singh955Threads: 10
Posts: 47
Author: Manpreet Singh   [Suspended]   		Dec 29, 2011, 04:25pm   #2
You should incorporate more of a personal connection instead of focusing only on the university. The AO's want to know something about you, not UVa.

Sorry If I sound a little rude, I'm looking at it from a AO's perspective.
sarahbeeThreads: 3
Posts: 65
Author: Sarah Brathwaite     		Dec 29, 2011, 04:31pm   #3
you can keep what you have, but i agree. you need to talk about yourself more. i now that for the common app you can definitely have way more words than what you have now, so try to go into depth more. really elaborate! it should make it better.

PLEASE check out my REVISED rice supplement.!
TheN3094Threads: 4
Posts: 24
Author: Nathalia ossio     		Dec 29, 2011, 04:41pm   #4
I appreciate all your help very much. I was also thinking about that but I'm just not sure how to include stuff about me in this essay. I don't want to break the flow of the essay. Any suggestions? =/
P334243Threads: 4
Posts: 25
Author: Joseph P     		Dec 29, 2011, 04:45pm   #5
I like the connection you make with the sundae. However, in accordance with other posters, I suggest you talk about what constitutes your layers, and how that makes you a perfect fit for UVA.

Hope I helped. Good luck!
TheN3094Threads: 4
Posts: 24
Author: Nathalia ossio     		Dec 29, 2011, 05:03pm   #6
Nov 27, 2012, 10:05pm - Attached on merging:
Updated UVA personal essay. PLEASE HELP I WILL RETURN THE FAVOR!!!!! :)

So earlier I posted an earlier version of my essay but people said it needed more personal connection. I hope my changes have accomplished that. I'm using this essay under "own topic" on the common app for UVA. ALL HELP IS APPRECIATED THANK YOU!!!!!




When I was a little girl my father would treat my family and I to an occasional trip to the greatest place a little girl could dream of. That place was Dumbo's Ice Cream Shop back in my home town of Cochabamba, Bolivia. During those visits he would always order the biggest ice cream sundae on the menu and made sure to share every component of it with me. To me the University of Virginia is like that ultimate sundae that you only seem to find in Dumbo's Ice Cream shop. How is the university similar to a sundae you may ask? The answer is quite simple. Like any good sundae it contains three different ice cream scoops, UVA contains three different top qualities. It has a challenging, well planned curriculum, a staff that is well prepared and more than willing to help you reach your goals to graduate, and a beautiful, well equipped campus. The fluffy, sweet whipped topping of those three scoops is the unimaginable pride and love that each student feels for the University of Virginia. All the positive energy that the student body emits is so overwhelmingly captivating that it's practically impossible to resist the urge to one day call yourself a Cavalier. The cherry on top of this sundae is just as small, but it is so important that any sundae just wouldn't be a sundae without it. This cherry is a diploma. UVA works from the ground up to help you reach that day that you proudly receive your diploma and graduate. Not only does it prepare you for your diploma, but it also prepares you for the real world, whether that be in Virginia or some other part of the globe. What makes this sundae even more special is that my father has worked multiple jobs over these past 18 years to make sure that some day his little girl could once again enjoy every part of that amazing sundae. So you see, like the ultimate sundae, you can never find another "University of Virginia" out there no matter how hard or how far you look.
sarahbeeThreads: 3
Posts: 65
Author: Sarah Brathwaite     		Dec 29, 2011, 05:25pm   #7
WOW! what a little personal connection can do! this is way better than the original.

just curious, have you checked out the UVa supplement? because I feel like this might be suited for the supplement since it is so specific. But if UVa doesn't require an essay for the supplement then this is fine. but double check to be sure.
tateeziThreads: -
Posts: 2
Author: TR     		Dec 29, 2011, 05:36pm   #8
This is excellent. I absolutely love your ice cream and UVA analogy.

However, I would cross out "What makes this sundae even more special is that my father has worked multiple jobs over these past 18 years to make sure that some day his little girl could once again enjoy every part of that amazing sundae." Because, it doesn't flow well with the rest of the essay, especially when you read it out loud.

Otherwise, great essay!
anshikavThreads: 5
Posts: 30
     		Dec 29, 2011, 05:47pm   #9
The cherry on top of this sundae is just as small, but it is so important that any sundae just wouldn't be a sundae without it.

very unique and well thought out! :)
calvinwangThreads: 3
Posts: 39
Author: Calvin Wang     		Dec 29, 2011, 05:47pm   #10
I really loved your sundae/UVA comparasion. It is truly unique and will make you stand out.

However, every college will say its "challenging, well planned curriculum, a staff that is well prepared." Perhaps it will be better if you gave examples on what major or class you'd really love to take. Or maybe a quote that a staff wrote on the UVA website that really effected your decision to apply to the college.

Oh and i agree with sarahbee, this is kinda akward for a commonapp essay seeing as how every college u apply to will see it. consider making this to be ur supplement

oh and plz look at my tufts supplement thread. i need help D:
silentspringThreads: 27
Posts: 117
Author: YingBin Mei   [Suspended]   		Dec 29, 2011, 05:49pm   #11
Your essay is great!

All I could pick out is

When I was a little girl my father would treat my family and I to an occasional trip to the greatest place a little girl could dream of.

CHANGE "I" TO "ME"

Hope that helps.
TheN3094Threads: 4
Posts: 24
Author: Nathalia ossio     		Dec 29, 2011, 05:53pm   #12
tateezi
Thank you guys! :D I literally had a big smile on my face when I read your comments. :)
Um yes I checked the supplement and it does require essays but I had already written essays for those so I thought I should use this one for my other one. :)))
Also for the sentence that you say does flow......I put that in there to kinda wrap it up with a connection to what my father did back then to how it relates to what he does now. Does it really not make sense? How do you think I could change it? =/ I still appreciate all your help tho! Thank you sooooo much! :]


OMG! so if I make this my personal essay I can't upload a different version for another college!? :O
oh noooo. :(((((
I would write another essay but this one is just so good that I really don't want to get rid of it. :(
do you suppose it would work if I found a way to exclude the name of the college?
calvinwangThreads: 3
Posts: 39
Author: Calvin Wang     		Dec 29, 2011, 06:07pm   #13
TheN3094:
OMG! so if I make this my personal essay I can't upload a different version for another college!? :Ooh noooo. :(((((I would write another essay but this one is just so good that I really don't want to get rid of it. :(do you suppose it would work if I found a way to exclude the name of the college?


ya i thought i could write multiple commonapp essays too at first before my college advisor put me straight. trust me you can only write one :P

Id either add this into ur supplement somehow or do away with it completely. taking out the name of the college will only weaken the meaning.
TheN3094Threads: 4
Posts: 24
Author: Nathalia ossio     		Dec 29, 2011, 06:31pm   #14
Nov 27, 2012, 10:06pm - Attached on merging:
New updated UVA Ice Cream essay. PLEASE HELP I WILL RETURN THE FAVOR FOR SURE!!

After learning that I can't do more than one essay on my common app personal essay I decided to take out the name of the college and change the awkward sentence. I reallyyyyy don't want to get rid of this essay so please help me out guys! :( The deadline is really 2 days away! :(((((




When I was a little girl my father would treat my family and I to an occasional trip to the greatest place a little girl could dream of. That place was Dumbo's Ice Cream Shop back in my home town of Cochabamba, Bolivia. During those visits he would always order the biggest ice cream sundae on the menu and made sure to share every component of it with me. To me the university is like that ultimate sundae that you only seem to find in Dumbo's Ice Cream shop. How is the university similar to a sundae you may ask? The answer is quite simple. Like any good sundae it contains three different ice cream scoops, the university contains three different top qualities. It has a challenging, well planned curriculum, a staff that is well prepared and more than willing to help you reach your goals to graduate, and a beautiful, well equipped campus. The fluffy, sweet whipped topping of those three scoops is the unimaginable pride and love that each student feels for the university. All the positive energy that the student body emits is so overwhelmingly captivating that it's practically impossible to resist the urge to one day call yourself an official member (or call yourself a member of that family). The cherry on top of this sundae is just as small, but it is so important that any sundae just wouldn't be a sundae without it. This cherry is a diploma. The university works from the ground up to help you reach that day that you proudly receive your diploma and graduate. Not only does it prepare you for your diploma, but it also prepares you for the real world, whether that be in Virginia or some other part of the globe. So you see, like the ultimate sundae, you can never find another university like this out there no matter how hard or how far you look and as a part of that student body my fathers dream to allow his little girl to once again enjoy every part of that amazing sundae will come true.
EF_SusanThreads: -
Posts: 3,442
Author: Susan O'Neill, EssayForum.com [Moderator] Likes 4   		Dec 29, 2011, 06:48pm   #15
When I was a little girl, my father would treat my family and I to an occasional trip to the greatest place a little girl could dream of.

During those visits he would always order the biggest ice cream sundae on the menu, and made sure to share every bit of it with me.

To me, the university is like that ultimate sundae that you only seem to find in Dumbo's Ice Cream shop.

All the positive energy that the student body emits is so overwhelmingly captivating that it's practically impossible to resist the desire to one day call yourself an official member. (or call yourself a member of that family).

The cherry on top of this sundae is just as small,---Just as small as what?

...but it is so important that any sundae just wouldn't be a sundae without it.

I think you should say something about your intended major and why this school will be perfect for you. It seems kind of generic, like you could use it for any college. It is a good and cute essay though, but you should try to sound more serious.

:)
calvinwangThreads: 3
Posts: 39
Author: Calvin Wang     		Dec 29, 2011, 06:52pm   #16
I would change the wording a bit,
instead of "the university" make it "a university"

Also, a commonapp essay is suppose to be about YOU not "a university." Since you changed ur essay, make sure the point and theme is still clear. I'm guessing you want to convey how much you look forward in going to college. Make sure you state specifically that that is the main point you want to get across.

I still think the sandae/college thing can still work but adjust your essay a little to make it fit better. Say... idk... how you want to find that perfect university as much as u wanted that sandae when u were a little girl.

call yourself an official member (or call yourself a member of that family).
I like the second choice better. It just feels like a stronger statement

But it also prepares you for the real world, whether that be in Virginia or some other part of the globe.
idk, felt kinda pointless but its your choice.

To conclude, talk about yourself.

btw ty for reading my thread
teoth5Threads: 3
Posts: 7
Author: G.F.     		Dec 29, 2011, 06:53pm   #17
This seems to be more of an extended metaphor that could be about any college and doesn't show enough insight into your personality and interests. I think focusing more on your childhood in Bolivia would be more interesting to read.
TheN3094Threads: 4
Posts: 24
Author: Nathalia ossio     		Dec 29, 2011, 08:25pm   #18
Thank you for all the responses. I know that the essays are suppose to be about you and that is what my other essays are bout. I planned on using this for the common app under "own topic" and it was actually personalized for UVA but then I realized I couldn't personalize it for my other colleges so I took out the personalizations. Anyways I'm applying as undecided so I can't really say much about my intended major because I don't know where I'm going for sure. =/
I actually think this says something about my personality because its fun and creative like me. :)
again, thank you for all your help.
shelia1993Threads: 4
Posts: 26
Author: Chun Wang     		Dec 29, 2011, 08:31pm   #19
Very creative essay~Trying to write more UVA may be better. What kind of challengeing ciruculum, what kind of facility attracts you,etc. Be specific~Good luck!

Do you mind to help with mine?
calvinwangThreads: 3
Posts: 39
Author: Calvin Wang     		Dec 29, 2011, 08:31pm   #20
TheN3094:
think this says something about my personality because its fun and creative like me.

put that in the essay!


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