I need to write an essay for post secondary on why i want to be in this program and what courses i plan on taking. it should be a regular 5 paragraph essay double spaced, and will be judged on content and correct grammar and punctuation usage.
Please critique me and tell me what i could do to make this better. Thank you!
PSEOP Admission Essay
Tha-thump, tha-thump, tha-thump, tha-beeeeeeep, was the sound that came out of the heart monitor as my grandmother's heart faltered and stopped for 30 seconds in her sleep. The doctors did everything they could, including putting in a pacemaker, to help her survive. If it weren't for them I would have lost my grandmother that night. Doctors, especially cardiologists, save many lives everyday, and have saved both of my grandparents, which is why I want to become a doctor after high school graduation. Medical school consists of a lot of work, effort, and time, and I am willing to put in every ounce I have. I deem that Kent State's Post Secondary Enrollment Option Program (PSEOP) is the best way that I can prepare myself for a college atmosphere, for the respect and responsibility needed, for the increase of difficulty in work, and for an appreciation of what college life will be like.
The first reason that I wish to participate in Kent State's PSEO program is because it will help me become familiar with a college work environment. A college has a more mature way of interacting than a high school does, and I believe the way students interact is important to how well they do in their field of study. College is much more difficult because there is a wide variety of people and in order to be comfortable a person needs to be exposed to these situations in advance. I also believe that this program will teach me the proper respect that I need to have for my peers and elders in order to succeed. I live in a very small community, which is why when I heard about this option I realized it was exactly what I needed. In the PSEO program I will be able to acquire these skills, to make my experience a little bit easier when I attend my 4 year college.
The second reason that the PSEO program will make a difference in my future is because it will help me learn the difficulty of work, and how to manage my time. In high school many times a student will get at worksheet that can be completed in a matter of ten minutes, but in college there is a lot more researching and bookwork. The work will be much more difficult and will require a lot more effort, but I am willing to try my hardest. I will need to study more often and be able to manage all of my time to pass my classes to get the proper credit that I need to graduate. So far in high school I have taken challenging classes and still have managed to achieve a high grade point average. Colleges are more strict and require more time, but the better education a person gets the more of a chance they have to head down an efficacious path in life.
Furthermore, at Kent State I plan on taking any classes that will help me succeed and get one step further in the direction I need to go in for a proficient education. If I can take a few courses in science or math and get college credit for them, and high school credit for them, I have a better chance to be qualified for the colleges I apply to my senior year. I was planning on taking a few more writing or English classes to help me improve my writing and grammar skills to the best of my ability. An extra course in humanities would also help me with appreciation of our history of arts, and great thinkers. Taking these courses at a college level will also present me with knowledge that will help prepare me for college, and give me the experience I need.
As a result, I think that college will present me with a more strict atmosphere, a harsher workload, and many new challenges that I am willing to accept. I have established many goals for myself and have achieved most, if not all, of them. I have obtained a high grade point average so far in my high school years, and have not had any disciplinary actions taken against me. I participate in many extra curricular activities, and love to do everything I can to represent my school in a positive way. I strive to continue making higher goals for myself and accomplishing them throughout college, and I believe that the PSEO program will help me follow through with that. Which is why I know I can also represent Kent State's PSEO program in an optimistic way, and I would love to earn a spot in this program.
"I can prepare myself for the college atmosphere, respect and responsibility needed, how to manage the increase of difficulty in work, and to get a head start into the college life, that I will continue to be involved in for the next eight years post-graduation." Revise for parallel structure.
"I was also planning on taking a few more writing or English classes to help me improve my writing and grammar skills to the best of my ability."
"and have not had any disciplinary actions taken against me." You can omit this. One more or less assumes this, if there are no notes in your records indicating otherwise.
Doctors, especially cardiologists, save many lives every day ...
In the PSEO program I will be able to acquire these skills, to make my college experience a little bit easier when I attend my 4 year college. You could change this, it just had the word "college" twice, too close together.
I strive to continue setting higher goals for myself and accomplishing them...
Just a few more minor things.
:)
Here is my revised essay. If you have ANY more suggestions, I would greatly appreciate them.
Critique me harshly.
4th line - Medical school requires a lot of time and effort ... and I am willing to see to it that I give it my best.
5th/6th line - ... college atmosphere, for the respect, added responsibility and increased difficulty, and to gain an appreciation for what college life is like.
7th line/point - starting off with "the first reason" "second reason" ... is something you will hopefully outgrow at some point in your academic career. It's better to start explaining the reasons without first saying redundantly, "this is the reason". Just do it!
7th line - As an example: Due to some key structural differences, college can present unique obstacles for a student who has just graduted from high school. Particularly striking is the relative autonomy in college, which is in contrast with high school, where you must ask for permission to use bathroom and are forced by strict rule to attend classes. In high school, a student's final grade is usually a composite of many different kind of assignments, including homework, quizzes, tests, projects, and class participation. This allows for greater indiscretion because missing a few assignments won't devastate your grade. In college however, the final grade in many classes consists of fewer than 5 grades, mainly papers and tests. Missing one assignment in some classes can relegate you to the brink of failure. This magnifies the importance of each assignment and reflects the very serious nature of college in comparison with high school.
It's yours from here; there are so many differences you can write about but those are probably the most important.
The parent teacher interaction in high school is nonexistent in college. You're a responsible citizen who is capable of making his own decisions. College It's much more serious in academic standards ie probation, etc etc I prefer college over high school any day with regard to its grade structure and autonomy.
High school is a joke, the kind of environment that impedes your growth and squanders your intelligence. I'm glad I saw that before I wasted 2 more years of my life doing nothing.
Commas:
College is much more difficult, because there is a wide variety of people, a nd in order...
present me with a more structured atmosphere..
Wow, this is SUCH a nice essay. You organize it very well, and it is so clear. I like everything about it.
Thank you so much everybody.
Is there anything I can do to help my conclusion.
I think it's a little bit too weak, and redundant.
The ending is fine.
Good luck in school!
:)
