Any feedback is appreciated! Thanks :D
Topic: What Matters to you and why?
Right from my young age, my parents taught me that we were endowed by the creator with talents to be used for the service of fellow humans. When I was little, I would help the people in my church make peanut butter sandwiches for the homeless shelter, but never comprehended the importance of it.
During the summer of my junior year, I spent time volunteering at the Children's Discovery Museum of San Jose. As an exhibit explainer, it was my job to make sure that all the attractions ran smoothly. I also had to mentor and guide the children who were often times inattentive, which was hard and tiresome. One day, a toddler came up to me in tears and told that he had lost his toy phone and wanted me to look for it. It took me a while, but when I did find it, he was bubbling with joy. I realized that I had made that child's day through a simple act of kindness. I determined then and there that I would use whatever position I was placed in to make a meaningful difference in the lives of others.
Serving others is a goal that I could achieve. Every time I scrubbed the gritty layers of paint off an apron, or patiently taught a shy toddler how to make the arms of a cornhusk doll, I remembered to give my best for the benefit of others. Serving others kept me positive and accountable for my actions. Whenever I was tired and felt like complaining about my work, I realized that my negative feelings and bad attitude would carry over to others. Similarly, my positive attitude and actions created a positive ripple effect. This cognizance kept me accountable.
I want to pursue my interests in biotechnology to help others through my research. When I was growing up there were many people like my parents, teachers, and friends who helped me achieve my dreams and goals. Helping others is merely a way for me to pass on what I received from others.
I know that I would never be able to solve all the problems in the world, but I do hope to make a difference in the lives of those whom I serve.
I like how your essay had a clear beginning middle and end. It was really good that you could connect this to what you wanted to do in college because that makes it more meaningful to the college admissions people.
My only suggestion would be with this sentence:
As an exhibit explainer, it was my job to make sure that all the attractions ran smoothly. I also had to mentor and guide the children who were often times inattentive, which was hard and tiresome.
You could make it:
As an exhibit explainer, it was my job to make sure that all the attractions ran smoothly and to mentor and guide the children who were often times inattentive, which was hard and tiresome.
But that is minor so I think you will be fine!
In my opinion, there is a little inconsistency when u introduced biotechnology as your interest, or maybe u should explain what biotechnology can do for people just one or two sentences.
However, this essay is one of the best essay I have ever read, and I believe that this sure will stand out.
Your essay is great. I can see your bona fide and pragmatic personality through your essay and your passion for serving others.
Does Stanford require only this essay?
If only this essay, then you better elaborate more on your major-biotech,
but if there are more essays in which you talked about your major already, then it would be fine.
It is a great essay overall.
Maybe add more description on biotech?
Overall good essay and connection.
Good Job
Yeah I also feel that I need to elaborate on the biotech part of it. Thanks for all the help guys!
