Please edit my essay ( tomorrow is my o level ) help me !!!!

BluwindaThreads: 1 Posts: 2 Author: Tasneem Sumaiya	Oct 20, 2012, 11:13pm #1
Narrative essay in betrayal John Dustin was the most popular boy in school .He was the typical Mills and Boon hero - tall ,dark and handsome.He was like a Greek God with a well sculpted body and features that even men envied .Every girl in school admired him openly.John was also warm and caring .This endeared him one and all.He had several close friends of both genders but he had only one best friend and that was Ariel . Soon after finishing Highschool ,both John and Ariel was accepted into the same local university .John majored in accountancy and Ariel studied Pschology.In their final year,they fell in love with each other .It was like a match made in heaven .They complemented each other in every aspect -looks,intelligence and temperament . Upon graduation,John was hired by a leading accounting firm while Ariel joined a private university. Both .worked hard and they flourished in their respective careers and soon they settled down.It was a simple yet a beautiful marriage ,attended by close friends and family members.Initially, they rented an apartment in the suburbs but within a short span of five years, they become well established in their respective fields and prospered financially .It was the right time for them to start a family, Ariel conceived with a baby.It was the happiest day for them when they heard the first cry their child .After their child was borned John was offered the position of a senior manager and Ariel left her job to b a stay at home mum. Life was good for them .They bought a semi detached home in an exclusive neighborhood .They dined at the best restraints and frequent popular clubs .Their child was literally born with a silver spoon in her mouth ,she went to the best private school and had the best tutor to coach her personally.Basically life was heavenly for then until Lily came about. Lily was Ariel's younger sister .She had got married and divorced ,not once but twice.Lily seemed to change husbands faster than any movie stars .Knowing that her sister needed her support ,Ariel welcomed lily into her home but she soon came to regret that decision .She realized that Lily was trying to flirt with John! Unashamedly lily took every possible opportunity to flirt with John .What broke her heart was that John was giving too much attention and was falling for Lilly's clutches . At first ,she advised her sister to maintain her distance fro John and of course ,lily would brush her off by saying tha she saw John as a good friend and nothing more .Being psychologist , Ariel knew Lilly was lying through her teeth .She could read the tell-tele signs from her sister's behavior. Unable to contain her misery she confronted John.she could tolerate it no more ,she gave John an ultimatum. "Either she leaves or leave !" John's repond shocked her,to say the least "You get out of my life .Lily is staying" he exclaimed Tears rolled down Ariel's eyes endlessly ,hurt and disappointed she ran to their room and packed her bags and left taking with her their daughter. Ariel decided to move to another town .She started working again .Slowly she picked up the pieces and rebuilt her life .Mean while .John fell deeper and deeper into Lily's hands .He lavished all his wealth on her.As a result,his performance at work started to decline .It was a dismal and the companies profit started to dip.He lost his job.Devastated, he related this to lily but instead of comforting him. She smiled and said " finally my revenge is complete " "what do you mean , Lily " asked a bewildered jack . "you snubbed during our school days! You knew I was interested in you but you said I was nothing more than a little sister .I felt hurt and humiliated .you were responsible for my failed marriages ,John I tried looking for you in all the men I had married but to no avail .Now, I made you fall for me ,John .I waited for fifteen years to execute my revenge and I have succeeded ". It finally dawned upon him that Ariel had been right all along .lily was a gold digger and vengeful .With no one to turn to ,John drown his sorrows with alcohol.He tried to locate Ariel,but he failed no one knew here whereabouts.One day ,while going to an Alcohol Anonymous meeting ,he saw her. He called out to her and begged for forgiveness "I forgave you John "but I cannot forget the pain that you instilled in me .we can never get back together.Goodbye". With that Ariel walked a way ........On that day John knew that he have lost her forever

dumiThreads: 1 Posts: 3,458 Author: Duminda [Moderator] 615	Nov 14, 2012, 12:07am #2
Bluwinda: He was like a Greek God with a well sculpted body and features that even men envied hey......... women don't envy good looking guys, but go crazy............ only men envy ...................lol So, I suggest you to take off the word "even" and say: He was like a Greek God with a well sculpted body and features that ~~even~~ often make men envied Bluwinda: both John and Ariel ~~was~~ were accepted I wasn't sure that Ariel was a girl until you said that they fell in love because that name is not a common female name for me....... Just give some thought on that and introduce her to the reader in your earlier para. Bluwinda: Both (no fullstop: hope it's a typo :D) worked hard and they flourished in their respective careers and soon they decided to ~~settled down~~ tie the nuptial knot. It was a simple yet a beautiful marriage ,attended by close friends and family members.Initially, they rented an apartment in the suburbs but within a short span of five years, they become well established in their respective fields and prospered financially .It was the right time for them to start a family, Ariel conceived with a baby. It was the happiest day for them when they heard the first cry of their ~~child~~ baby . After their child was ~~borned~~ born John was offered the position of a senior manager and Ariel left her job ~~b a~~ ~~stay at home~~ ~~mum~~ to be the best mom for her baby. Life was good for them .They bought a semi detached home in an exclusive neighborhood .They dined at the best ~~restraints~~ restaurants and hopped into ~~frequent~~ popular clubs frequently .Their child was literally born with a silver spoon in her mouth ,she ~~went~~ was admitted to the best private school in the locality and had the best tutor to coach her personally. Basically their life was heavenly until Lily ~~came about~~ entered the scene You are quite creative in presenting ideas.......... Good Job!