GMU Admission Essay:
most personally significant contribution you have made to a community through your participation in one of the activities you list in the Activities and Leadership section on the application. This personal statement is required.
QUESTION from ME: this does mean I can write my talent, right? one that differs me from the rest??
My life's talent all started with a pair of chopsticks. When I was a child, I would get a pair of chopsticks and play them like a violin. I began to take up violin at a late age of 7 ˝. Within short notice, I began to study with a well-known violinist of Manhattan School of Music, Gregory Kalinovsky. Under his wings, I skipped many pieces and within less than two years, played concertos. The richness of music filled my life and I began to see my old, self-conscious self peel away. I wanted to swim further into this world; therefore, I journeyed to Peabody Institute of John Hopkins University and studied with Sel Kardan, and then to Jacqueline Shu, an inspiration to my life. From then on, I began to join orchestras from which I obtained the role as the concertmaster and was one of the youngest member. I won third place in the Virginia State Concerto Competition for Violins and began performing at nursing homes, homeless shelters, and teaching violin to younger kids during high school, giving encouragement and love that I have found in my violin. Mrs. Shu wanted me to study at Vienna, Austria with her professors, however, due to financial issues it was impossible. Yet, I was happy, for I found own stage where I can shine and be seen like a star in the sky, impossible to be ignored. I am now taking up a professional repertoires such as Ziguenerweisen, continuing in pursuit of my dream.
Joy Yang
typo:
and was one of the youngest members .
Don't use however this way:
Mrs. Shu wanted me to study at Vienna, Austria with her professors, however, due to financial issues it was impossible.
USe however in the middle of a sentence like this:
I could not attend, however, due to financial reasons.
But in your sentence, do this:
Mrs. Shu wanted me to study at Vienna, Austria with her professors, but due to financial issues it was impossible.
Actually, it is probably not good to say "but due"... that is a funny word. So instead you can do this:
Mrs. Shu wanted me to study at Vienna, Austria with her professors; however, due to financial issues it was impossible.
Little adjustment here, too:
Yet, I was happy, for I found own stage where I could can shine and be seen like a star in the sky, impossible to be ignored ignore.
:-)
