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"My Perspective; I care for the underserved" UC Personal Statement 1



garciadan15Threads: 1
Posts: 1
Author: Dan Garcia
   
Nov 24, 2010, 10:20pm   #1
I would appreciate it if anyone can give comments on my personal essay.
Any information would be greatly accepted to modify my essay.

Personal Statement 1: Describe the world you come from for example, your family, community or school and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

If one were to choose what surrounding to be born in, that would be incredible. Sadly, it is not that simple. People are born into different societies and are shaped by the world, creating individual aspirations and dreams to be accomplished. In my young life, I have experienced memorable events which have opened my eyes to a new perspective in life.

The United States is a nation which guarantees the pursuit of happiness. Being born in a economically disadvantaged family has been very hard. Seeing my father working long hours at a time for minute pay stubs created tensions within our household. My mother was diagnosed with diabetes, which made a bigger burden in my life. I would wonder why the Declaration of Independence declared that all human beings had certain unalienable rights, but somehow, it was not seen within my family. Around my neighborhood, many people lived in the same situations.

I wanted to do something but could not do anything. My mother always told me that if I wanted to change the way I lived and how others lived, I was to make that my goal and be determined to achieve it. I started to believe I could make a change in peoples lives but understood I had to undergo hard work and discipline.

I have come to realize that through my life experiences that deep inside of me, I care for the underserved. It pains me to see so many suffer, languishing to be helped. There would not be anything better than seeing a smile in someone else's life knowing one has helped them.

Thank You



poetisaThreads: 1
Posts: 2
Author: Sandy Moreno
   
Nov 29, 2010, 02:35pm   #2
I think this needs re-wording: "If one were to choose what surrounding to be born in, that would be incredible" suggestion: Having the option to choose what surroundings to be born in would be incredible, but it is not that simple.

I think you need to extend it on how this experience made you who you are today, instead of talking too much about your parents.
Maybe your last sentences can be expanded a little more.

:)

*could you check mine too, please* *thanks*


jsphillips93Threads: 3
Posts: 11
Author: Jim Phillips
   
Nov 29, 2010, 04:34pm   #3
"In my young life, I have experienced memorable events which have opened my eyes to a new perspective in life."--Try taking this out or reworking the sentence. This is a prime example of a place where you should try to "show, don't tell."

born in an economically disadvantaged

Seeing my father work long hours

peoples lives, but understood

would not be anything better=would be nothing better




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