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Personal Statement; 'Life is full of challenges'


qaisnaderi 1 / 1  
Apr 7, 2014   #1
Hey, friends help me improve on my essay. let me know about all of my mistakes. it will be highly appreciated...
Thanks in advance!!!

As life is full of challenges, I went through many reaching this age. My life was started in Logar Province of Afghanistan, but I was from a few months when we migrate to Jozjan another province of my country, where I started my elementary school. I really remember the first day of my school while I was just five years old, furthermore the exam questions and what happened to me during first and second year of school exactly and unbelievable to my family, specially to my big brother who started school with me and one year older than me. My father who is currently retired brigadier his job was changed to Wardak province of Afghanistan so we went there and I continued my school up to graduate from secondary school in 2008. One day during my cycling I fell down to my village river it was because of old and tiny bridge that we have had, it's really encourage me to become an engineer, it was not just hard to me to cross that bridge, actually to all of our village's people and students, it was the only way connect our school to our village, after I reached to home I told to my uncle who is a civil engineer, that I want to become an engineer and one day I will construct our village bridge as wildly like for crossing of cars not just for people. And he really influenced me to reach to my live the only goal to become an engineer.

Whenever winter vacation ware started I went to Kabul, where my plan was to learn computer skills and programs, as our school was started I came back to our village on that time, I decided to share what I have learned. My uncle helped me to open a course (Wadan Computer Center) besides studying I started teaching computer programs to laggard people; even they didn't know nothing about computer. We started with very less equipment but with a large effect on young generation who were less involved trough modern technology, also I became a vital economical supporter of my family.

Having immeasurable passion to be an engineer encourages me to study hard and get first position in each class of my school until 2008. When I was in last year of school I started to teach math and trigonometry to students, the head of our school really helped me and encourage me to do so. I love science specially math and I thought math for more than two years, during my studying at school I toke advance exams to pass the classes without studying I did for two times so I studied 12 years school in 10 years, when I went through Dawat University via scholarship reach me to get my biggest wish to be an engineer. At the first year of my university I got selected as the president of the University Students' Union. During the presidency, I put some citable steps forward which still the university reminds me of. I started to train students with new technology of engineering. I helped them to be more involved in advance and latest engineering which I learned in my working area, as teaching engineering software CSI (ETABS, SAFE, SAP...).

In June 2010 I started part time job with Belal Rafi Construction Company (BRCC) as field engineer, I have hold the position of civil engineer with PRT logar province of Afghanistan, I put a very successful stride a head when I got a job with Asi Geo Engineering & Ally Engineering Solution (AGE &AES) as civil Engineer, up to now I am holding that job. I have worked and got experience in many projects, like Us Army Corps of Engineering, UNOPS, UNDP, LOTFA and so on. Holding such kinds of jobs give me opportunity to be more professional and lucrative in my study area. I received the year 2013 best employ as well; it was because of my hard work and achievements.

Furthermore, I did some other social activities as well; we have a group of engineers named Afghan Engineering, we work and debate together to find the best way and solution have to deal with current engineering issues. We enforce and compel the municipality of Kabul city to prepare best services to the people of Kabul city. I am manager of Afghan Engineering page in Facebook; we have more than 300 members. Besides that, I am the member of Young Activists for Reform and Changes; we have had researches and conferences about the place of youth generations to bring peace to the country, in 2nd July through 5th July 2012 I attended in Afghanistan Youth Peace National Jirga we had major discussions about place of youth generation in bringing peace to the country I have selected by voting as president of one of committee. I was entitled as Peace Ambassador from President Hamid Karzai as well; it was because of my hard working and leadership skill growing in me.

As I have already taken steps toward, see the passion of studying and leadership growing in me, as a young generation I decided to help the education system to be more updated, as you will see my transcript I gained the percentage of being a lecturer, I got offer to be as assistant professor of Dawat University but as a bachelor I couldn't be more effectual to teach to students who get bachelor also, in addition my experience plus Fulbright will help me to reach to my plans as you will see in my study objectives, Master in Structure Engineering / Bridge Engineering is obsoletely the best way.
Shokhusrav 10 / 27  
Apr 7, 2014   #2
e specially to my bigelder brother who started school with me and one year older than me
Shokhusrav 10 / 27  
Apr 7, 2014   #3
My father who is currently retired brigadier hiswhose job was changed to another in Wardak, province of Afghanistan.
(stop here)Therefore, we went (had to go) there and I continued my school up to graduateeducation from secondary school in 2008
eddies [Contributor] 25 / 1,208 476  
Apr 8, 2014   #4
This is good, but shows complexity.

Let me give a few edits:
After I have taken steps towards, the passion of studying and leadership rouses me as a young generation. Then, I dedicate myself to make the higher education system more effectively than a period of long term education stability. As you can see from my transcript, I have good academic credentials. Also, I have an opportunity to be as assistant professor of Dawat University. However, I may have little experience of teaching students who have the same education level as me, Bachelor's degree. Hence, having experience as a Fullbright scholar to Master in Structure Engineering / Bridge Engineering will help me to reach my plans.
OP qaisnaderi 1 / 1  
Apr 8, 2014   #5
thanks dear I will do it...
dumi 1 / 6,925 1592  
Apr 10, 2014   #6
As life is full of challenges, I went through many reaching this age.

I had taken up endless challenges in life until I reached this age.

My life was started in Logar Province of Afghanistan, but I was from a few months when we migrate to Jozjan another province of my country, where I started my elementary school.

My life began in Logar Province of Afghanistan. However, my family moved into Jozjan, another province in my country when I was only few months old and that is where I began my schooling at an elementary school.

I really remember the first day of my school while I was just five years old, furthermore the exam questions and what happened to me during first and second year of school exactly and unbelievable to my family, specially to my big brother who started school with me and one year older than me.

... this sentence is too very long :(
Also, it does not deliver any interesting idea too.... better take it off


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