LEARN ABOUT THE STUDENT
My name is Melanie Rose Zuniga. I was raised in Queens, New York. I stood in queens till I was 6 years old, went to ps. 12 only till kindergarten. I Moved to West Orange New Jersey back in 1997. I attended Pleasantdale Elementary School starting at 1st grade till 5th grade. Grade 6 till 8th grade went to Edison Middle school. Now I'll be graduating from West Orange High School the end of June.
I'm ...Good morning.
As the prompt and/or instructions for this essay were not included in the posting, I can edit for mechanics and grammar only:
"My name is Melanie Rose Zuniga. I was raised in Queens, New York. I stoodWhat do you mean here? in queensShouldn't this be capitalized?until I was 6 years old, went to ps. 12 only till kindergarten.What is this? I MovedWhy is this capitalized? to West Orange New Jersey back in 1997. I attended Pleasantdale Elementary School starting at 1st grade till 5th grade. Grade 6 till 8th grade wentThis sentence is incomplete; there is a predicate but no subject. to Edison Middle school. Now I'll be graduating from West Orange High School the end of June.
I'm The Last child of 3. I have 2 brothers that are older then me. I have wonderful parents named Flora Zuniga and Luis Zuniga. My ethnic back ground is Peruvian from my mother and Costa Rican from my father. My parents are my strength to always be motivated toward my education. They always have told me that I will be the best; I just need to push myself in that path. I love that my parents always have been here through out all my struggles and also have seen what I achieved throughout my childhood.
Attending Pleasantdale elementary school my fifth grade year I got the privilege to be a student assistant. I would go to the school play ground and watch Pre School through 2ndUse words grade classes on their recesses time. I also had made time to reach out to the special education classes; most of the children had disabilities. I graduated 2002. I got a certificate for being a well rounded student. I Had Tutored at 5th grade to a family friend. H/font]er daughter was in 3rd grade she lacked in English. I have made this my passion to be a special education teacher. Being around kids I get so happy. I enjoy teaching; I have a great personality and I am always willing to hear about peoples problems and give advice back.
I have a lot to do with my community, school , and I take time to always be interactive to my family. I attended a Christian church back in 6th grade. My family is diverse; my mother is Christian and my father is catholic. I grew close to the pastor of my church that I went to. We had a lot of bible studies and cooking classes; went to bible camp to get closer and learn more about my religion.Again, another incomplete sentence; predicate with no subject.8th grade I got the chance to be a bible study teacher so more children can get involved and learn about god and the bible.
I did community service at Kessler institute. Started my junior year; till entering summer of my 12th grade.This is bad grammar. If you want to keep the sentence, I suggest combining the two with a semi colon into one, but make sure there is a subject for both sentences. Again, use words for the grade levels. I was working Monday 3 30 till 8 and Wednesdays 3 30 till 8Format; make sure you are writing the times completely; i.e. 3:30 . I worked at the gift shop. Worked at the cash register. We had hair cut sign up as well.What is the significance of this? Doing thatWhat? made me realize how to work with money. Some family members would come so we can wrap up a gift before going to visit the patient.What patient? This is a very confusing section. I always had company in the office. I t made me expand my personality, and hearing out other grand parent children that were in the rehabilitation center.OK, now you've got subjects but no predicates. Please use complete sentences in your writing. I finished my community service with 185 hours.
My High school experience for me is excellent. I started with a rough start my freshman year it was not as easy as being at middle school.This is a run on sentence.I did join clubs, been in F.B.L.A for 2 years currently my senior year I'm a historian of the club member ship.Another run-on sentence. My class for fashion merchandising hosted a fashion show. I'm in my school' s Spanish club, and every year we have a national luncheon and we had trips to different restaurants from varieties of cultures. What does that have to do with fashion merchandising? I am a teacher assistant for a special Ed class that suffers with disabilities.The class suffers with disabilities, or the students in the class suffer from disabilities? It's a class called family living.How should this be formatted? The students learn how to cook, clean, and do laundry. I t's an experience they can learn to live on their own. I am so thankful to have the experience. I have an internship job at my town's police department. Working at the records bureau, I have filed files. Answering the phone. Organize tickets given by officers. Parking permits as well.This is very choppy. It should be combined into one sentence using commas to join the different tasks of the series. I'm just like an assistant secretary to the detective and officers at the office. I can see my second major in becoming a police officer and studying criminal justice. I love that I have the experience to seek for my majors in college. I am looking forward to expanding my learning ability towards your college in my major, and graduating to see myselfliving in the real world experienceThis is a confusing sentence. Please clarify what you mean here. ."
I have made some notes, but I have not corrected every single instance of every single occurrence. For instance, I have corrected one "till" with "until" and then marked other instances in the piece where it needs to be corrected. The same with using words for grade levels, and inappropriate capitalization. Make sure that when you capitalize, the word is either a proper noun or the first word of a sentence. If it is neither, it should not be capitalized. There are several incomplete sentences throughout this piece, and I have noted them, along with run-ons that need to be corrected.
In regards to the conclusion, it should tie up to the introduction and restate the major points that you have covered in your piece. It should give your readers a sense of closure and satisfaction.
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
