This is my villanova college supplement essay. It is due tonight and I was looking to see if anyone could critique it! It would be much appreciated! :)))
FINAL DRAFT- I was wondering if there are any final revisions you could suggest? :)))
In 10th grade I was far from a modest guy. I walked around with a faux hawk and the attitude of a superstar. On a daily basis I made sure that the people around me knew about my latest exploits and successes. I was only interested in myself and people began to notice. "LISTEN," was a phrase shouted at me on numerous occasions when people realized that I wasn't actually hearing what they had to say. This led to me end 10th grade on a sour note. Not too many people enjoyed hanging out with me and I was blind to how my behavior resulted in the way I was being treated.
During the following summer I met someone who changed my life forever. I met a lifelong friend named Sydney. What was interesting about her is that she is not exactly the most physically appealing woman, but Sydney truly made up for it in another way, her personality. There was something about her that I was drawn to and felt that I connect with. Soon after meeting Sydney we began to text and talk nonstop. Everyday I would wake up with a good morning text message from her and found that she was always interested in what I had going on; this curiosity sparked our friendship. As our friendship developed I realized how truly amazing she was. She was good friends with seemingly everyone. We literally couldn't go anywhere without her running into someone she knew.
At that point I was still very dissatisfied with the way I was treated by people, I felt like no one was interested in me or cared for me besides my friend Sydney. One night I was alone in my room doing some self reflection and thinking about what set Sydney, an extremely likable person, apart from someone like me. It donned on me that Sydney's likability came from the fact that she was truly interested in other people. She lived to make new friends and meet people, beyond that she listened and greeted everyone with a beaming smile. During this time of contemplation I realized that the key to dealing with people and living a truly happy life is based around basic human nature: People are interested in themselves and everyone wants to feel important. I looked back upon my former self and saw a boy who was only interested in himself, something that made me an unattractive person. I began to change as I observed the workings of a truly beautiful person, Sydney. Her sincere interest in other people enabled her to develop friendships anywhere with almost anyone.
I stopped talking and started listening, truly listening. I began learning more about people than I ever would have imagined. I found that people have a lot to say, but sometimes no one who will listen to them. This led to people to open up to me, the development of numerous connections and friendships all of which have inspired my interest in other people. I live my days now like Sydney: I always greet others with a beaming smile and love hearing about what moves them.
I'd be lying to say that the portion of the day I most look forward to isn't calculus. I entered calculus not knowing a single person. Today when I sit down in class I am greeted by a good friend who goes by the name of Katie. Over the past 5 months of school we have become great friends. I look forward to hear what she has to say everyday and truly appreciate her. Now I am surrounded by a group of people whom I would have never imagined myself being friends with and on the daily enjoy the gems of people they absolutely are.
I believe that the most important lesson I have to share with the Villanova community is one of human nature: People are interested in themselves and everyone wants to feel important. Understanding this can and will help anyone. A lesson that I believe can be valuable to many freshmen who haven't been able to replace their good friendships left at home. Beyond helping them find their place, I believe this lesson can be useful to all of us when trying to better our ability to get along and communicate with others, skills that can benefit a community endlessly.
This is a very reflective and well-written essay. but was Sydney someone you were attracted to or was she a really good friend to you? I think you should clarify it in the second paragraph when you introduce her.
she was just a really good friend
This led to me end 10th grade on a sour note. Not too many people enjoyed hanging out with me, and I was blind to how my behavior resulted in the way I was being treated.----This is powerful writing. I added a comma. It is powerful, because of this honest self-disclosure. It is kind of therapeutic to the reader, because we readers are also guilty of the same lack of self-awareness sometimes, and especially during certain periods in our lives.
I began to change as I observed the workings of a truly beautiful person, Sydney. Her sincere interest in other people enabled her to develop friendships anywhere with almost anyone. You have to get rid of this part. Keep it in the version you show her if you want, but in the version you send in you should omit anything that makes it seem like the essay is actually insincere, contrived to serve as a message to a girl. Know what I mean? You either mean what you are saying or you used this theme as a way of saying something nice to the girl. There is nothing wrong with that; it's great! But not in the version of the essay that you send in.
I know I am probably too late, though! Sorry! Anyway, you write very well, and I think for sure you will be successful!
