This is my sister's essay:
"My Own Path"
The summer of my sophomore year I was given a window to the medical world, and for eight weeks that summer I got the opportunity to shadow some of the best doctors and nurses in the field of medicine. As I listened to the muzak in the elevator that first day on the job, I did not know what to expect of this internship. I had had jobs at ice cream stores and libraries prior to this, but nothing quite like that of a hospital, where things were so fast paced, and serious decisions and actions were being made. I was placed in the nursing department of the hospital, specifically in the MICU or Medical Intensive Care Unit. On the first day of my job, within the first few hours, a patient in the wing went into cardiac arrest. As the medical machines galvanized, I saw doctors and nurses dart to the patient. Ready with their crash cart, they knew exactly what they were doing and how to do it without thinking twice. I was drawn to these confident men and women. Working in the MICU, you need to be able to act and think quickly and confidently in case anything happens to the patients, and they knew exactly what to do. Although these doctors and nurses had such a big job on their hands with taking care of very sick patients, they were vibrant and jovial people. They came in everyday with bright smiles on their faces, and looked forward to their job. Watching these nurses and doctors work gave me confidence in myself. They told me how much I reminded them of themselves when they were younger, people who were engaged to learn, watch and act. Getting the chance to know them, to know that I shared qualities with them, allowed me to believe that I could perform great feats like them someday as well.
My mother has always wanted me to become an accountant, or take on some form of quiet office job. But I probably will not follow that path which she yearns for me to take. Ever since I can remember, my mother has always compared me to other Chinese girls like my cousins or the children of her friends. Chinese mothers desire Chinese daughters who are obedient to their parents and husbands, who keep to their selves and who are "feminine." I cannot fulfill my mother's desires because I am not like my cousins, or the children of her friends. I am a person who is outspoken and who likes to take part and act. I am a person who has been a tomboy much of her childhood. I am a person who is opinionated, who wants to be involved in the real world and make change. I want to be one of those nurses or doctors at the hospital. They are people who inspire me. They are outgoing, talkative, funny, strong and confident men and women. Their path is the path I wish to take and it is the life I want.
Your essay has a strong voice and your ambitions are clearly visible. However,I believe that you should try to change the syntax of your sentences. Many of your sentences begin with the words "I" and "they." By making a few changes to the syntax, I believe this will be a great essay. Good work!
Although these doctors and nurses had such a big job on their hands with taking care of very sick patients , they were vibrant and jovial people.
I cannot fulfill my mother's desires because I am not like my cousins, or the children of her friends. -------awesome sentence... you are not only opinionated and ambitious but also a great communicator.
Their path is the path I wish to take and it is the life I want.---beautiful. If this is true, you will cite some medical journal articles pertaining to one of the specializations that interest you. What med specializations interest you?
:-)
