NYU Personal Essay -Person with significant influence; Mother -she is stronger than anyone

Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.

My parents left China to come to the United States several years before I was born to create a better life for their future children. Being a first generation Chinese-American, I have many family members who reside in China and Hong Kong. In the summer of 2010, my parents saved up enough money to let my brother and and myself travel to China by ourselves. We were to live with my mother's family in China for almost two months. Being as immature as I was, I didn't appreciate the time away from my friends for the summer. However I am forever thankful now to have gone on that trip. It made allowed me to realize how much my mother has sacrificed for my brother and me.

When I arrived in China, I was immediately homesick. The weather was sticky and hot unlike my home city's "perfect weather" in San Diego, California. I wasn't prepared for the culture shock either. My grandfather knew that my brother and I were uncomfortable and made an effort to make us feel at home. He took time out of his day to take us out to explore the town. We went to the rural area where my mom and her siblings grew up. I never realized until that moment how many luxuries I considered standard.

I always knew my mother missed her family in China. She had only visited her homeland once since she moved to the United States. She was unable to travel with my brother and me due to the fact that she still had to support our family here. My grandparents had health problems and my mother would check up on them by calling regularly. My mother would try to help by sending painkillers overseas. When all of that wasn't working, she urged my grandparents and her brother and sister to apply for visas to come to the United States. She wanted them to have a better life and be able to find the right medical treatments. She couldn't do anything for them because a plane ticket was not an option for her. I desperately wanted my family in China to come to America to make everyone happy but I wasn't able to make a difference.

A week before school started, my mother got a call around midnight. It was my uncle. Hearing my mother on the phone, I knew it was bad news. She told me that my grandfather passed away from a heart attack. Someone that I had seen only a week before was no longer here. It felt surreal to me and I cried with my mom into the early morning.

Going to China and visiting my mother's family made me realize how much my mother has done to give me a better life. She moved away from her family to a whole different country. She didn't speak the language and only made it through using connections from old friends who had moved to the United States before her. She devoted everything for her future children and now that I have realized this, I wouldn't be the same person without her. She is stronger than anyone I know. She motivates me to do well in school and allows me to strive to be able to be as good of a person as her. In the future, I want to be able to do what she has done for my brother and me. I want to be successful to be able to provide her what she didn't have back in China and allow her to enjoy life without any stresses.

It's a good essay.... :)
I only have a few suggestions for you...


i feel as if this sentence would sound better had it been broken down to two.
My parents left China long before i was born. They moved to the US so that their future children will have a better life.


It made allowed me to realize how much my mother has sacrificed for my brother and me.

my parents saved up enough money to let my brother and and myself travel to China by ourselves.


... There is something odd about this sentence. Try this..
The weather was sticky and hot unlike the "perfect weather" in San Diego. ... This sort of tells the reader that you are from San Diego.

hope my suggestions helped.. :)

We were to livestay with my mother's family in China for almost two months.
I think it's quite a good essay, I like your story and hope you can help your mother in the future.

Hello,

This is a great essay, it really is. But I have read it at least 100,000 times. Many schools ask this very same question, "Who influences you the most?" Guess what the number one response is? - by a landslide- "My Mother." I always tell my clients, the key to getting into competitive programs(Which NYU is), is to be different, be unique. NYU receives thousands of applications each year, I believe that it is the most applied to private university. Because of this fact, you really need to make your application stand out. Yes, this question is asking you about the person that influences you the most, but there's a hidden text in there that says "think bravely." It will be a given for most applicants that their parents help shape who they are, but think outside the box for a stronger impact on the admissions committee. -AAO

Hope this helps

I was really scared of that happening...

At least I have time to think about it, even though I have no idea how to go about thinking outside the box.