I'm applying to my schools nursing program for this Fall. Any improvements/feedback will be appreciated. Here's what I have:
"Nurses don't wait until October to celebrate Make a Difference Day - they make a difference every day!"
My passion for nursing was sparked early in my high school years, during which I made frequent visits to the hospital to welcome a premature baby sister and cousin, whom both have had many complications at birth, and also spending time with my ill grandmother. Staying in the hospital for numerous days each week gave me the opportunity to observe and become familiar with some of the many tasks that nurses complete on a daily basis. Over the course of four years, I saw the dedication and hard work nurses in the hospital environment provided to my sister, newborn cousin, and grandmother. Not only did these magnificent people take care of my family members, they also did an outstanding job in assuring my family and I that everything would be fine. Spirits were lifted, fears were eased, and our hope increased, all due to the optimism of the nurses. I have always shown an interest in the way the human body functions and working with people. Before this experience, I had never thought to make a career out of it. I knew from then that this experience had exposed me to a meaningful and rewarding career as a nurse.
As I was getting closer to my college years, the more I saw these nurses look after my grandmother and baby cousin, the more I wanted to be in their shoes. The inspiration and motivation to do well to become a nurse just overwhelmed me. Every time I set foot in a hospital, I see myself taking care of other families' grandparents, baby cousins, and baby sisters, helping them make a safe recovery. Being a first-generation college student, not only will becoming a nurse give my family a sense of pride, but I will also feel proud of my own achievement of becoming someone who is able to make a difference, whether it is big or small, in the lives of patients and their families. Pursuing a career in nursing would not only be emotionally rewarding, but will also be a lifelong learning experience. In my junior and senior year of high school, I participated in many school-sponsored events that involved caring for others, including senior citizens and children. Visiting the Ronald McDonald House Charity two years in a row is one of many of the events I participated in. Spending time and talking with the critically ill children allowed me to understand the personal side of nursing. It amazes me how big a difference nurses can make in a persons' life, young or old.
I am very confident that I am more than capable to provide nothing but the hard work and dedication as a nursing student, as inspired by the nurses that I have come in contact with in my personal experiences. I have motivated and shown my school and myself that I have achieved academically, and will do what it takes to follow my dream of becoming a nurse. I possess the caring qualities that appeal to a nurse's nature and strive to seek further knowledge in nursing education. Pursuing a nursing vocation gives me a chance to give back to my community. Nursing bestows me with the privilege to apply my medical knowledge in situations outside of a hospital environment as well. In the future, I may wish to pursue a career in neonatal nursing, and I feel that obtaining my degree and RN licensure is the first step in acquiring this opportunity. Studying nursing will be a new chapter in my life that I will strive to succeed at in every way possible.
1.My passion for nursing was sparked early in my high school years, during which .( You better cut your sentence here 'cause it is too long and tiring to read.)... This was when I made frequent visits to the hospital...
2. Staying in the hospital for numerousmany(or specify it how many weeks, days or months..numerous is seemed inappropriate) days...
3. Over the course of four years, I saw the dedication andof hardworking nurses in the hospital environment ...
4.Not only did these magnificent people take care of my family members, they also did an outstanding job in assuring my family and Ime ( rather use "me", since the usage is in objective type) ..
5. Spirits were lifted, fears were eased, and our hope were increased ( apply parallelism).
6. I knew from them that this experience..
7. Being a first-generation college student, not only willby becoming a nurse will give my family a sense of pride,..
8. I have motivated and shown my school and myself that I have achieved academicallyalso academic achievements, ..
-Studying nursing will be a new chapter in my life that I will strive to succeed at in every way possible.-- I commend this sentence. Great!
I like how you have organized your ideas. Good luck !
I saw the dedication and hard work that nurses in the hospital environment provided
Spirits were lifted, fears were eased, and our hope increased, all due to the optimism of the nurses.
.... great line... awesome :)
... all due to dedication of optimistic nurses. ... how do you like it this way? your way is also very good :)
As I was getting closer to my college years, the more I saw these nurses look after my grandmother and baby cousin, the more I wanted to be in their shoes.
.... I wish if this line is a bit more simplified;
As I was getting closer to my college years, my love for nursing grew stronger with more and more experiences of watching how my grandmother and baby cousin being nursed.I see myself taking care of other families' grandparents, baby cousins, and baby sisters, helping them make a safe recovery.
.... baby cousins and baby sisters sound a bit repetitive.
Overall I think you've done a good job.... Good Luck!
