Please read and review...
More examples? Better style? Stronger verbs? Anything is appreciated.
In a homily during his visit to the United States, Pope Benedict XVI stated, "Today's celebration is more than an occasion of gratitude for graces received. It is also a summons to move forward with firm resolve to use wisely the blessings of freedom, in order to build a future of hope for coming generations." How will a Notre Dame education enable you to answer the call to "use wisely the blessings of freedom, in order to build a future of hope" for others in your own way?
I personally feel that a Notre Dame education will help me continue to fulfill my lifelong calling of helping others, whether in small everyday occurrences, or in larger than life deeds. As a young child growing up, I was constantly instilled with the belief that helping others was much more gratifying that helping yourself, and to this day, I continue to live according to that belief.
I feel that Notre Dame is the perfect atmosphere for me to grow on these principles of putting others before yourself. Over the past couple years, I have been on the Notre Dame campus numerous times. Every time I step onto the North or South Quad, I see the camaraderie of the students in action, whether it be the different dormitories grilling hot dogs or burgers to raise money or just a couple of friends playing some frisbee. These strong bonds, formed at the University of Notre Dame, are the reason that current students and graduates answer the call and help others in his or her own way. The education I hope to receive at Notre Dame will further mold my character and values for the better in everyday life. Hopefully one day, I can take the values and bonds I have formed with my fellow Domers to do something to help those that are in need of it.
One of my best friends throughout high school has a sister who manages a small orphanage in Makuyu, a small village just outside of Nairobi, Kenya. These children just recently had solar panels installed to power lighting in the huts at night; however, the village has neither running water nor a means of cooling down the huts. With my engineering degree from Notre Dame, I hope to help the village of Makuyu for the better. With the installation of a small hydroelectric plant, the village would have enough power to establish an automatic well which would provide running water to the villagers. They would also have enough power to have electric fans in their homes. This simple action would mean the world to such an impoverished village. What we take for granted everyday is only a mere dream to those in that community. As Milton Freedman said, "My major problem with the world is a problem of scarcity in the midst of plenty ... of people starving while there are unused resources ... people having skills which are not being used." I feel that it is my duty to take what God has given me and use it to the fullest.
Nice essay - I really got the feeling that you're a compassionate person.
below are just some edits in terms of grammar.
larger than life deeds don't quote me on this one (I'm not too sure myself) but it might be larger-than-life because you're using that as an adjective
I continue to live according toby that belief.
current students and graduates answer the call and help others in his or hertheir own way. since your subject is plural
Hopefully one day, I can take the values and bonds I have formed with my fellow Domers to do something to help those that are in need of it .
I hope to help the village of Makuyu for the better
I also have a few essays in need of editing. hopefully you can take a look at them as well
