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'A normal school environment' - Stanford Supplement Essay #1- revision


pjbrida 2 / 2  
Oct 28, 2012   #1
In response to, "Stanford students possess an intellectual vitality. Reflect on an idea or experience that has been important to your intellectual development.", this is what I've got on my initial draft. Any and all critiques would help IMMENSELY! Stanford is my dream school, and I really want to make sure that i've got all of my ducks in order, per say, so that I have the highest chance of possibly being accepted.

"Throughout my years of public education, I've been quite fortunate in regards to having numerous opportunities to explore different aspects of the world around me. Without these experiences, such as spending a week in Biloxi, MS studying marine biology or discovering the harsh realities of developing nations while at the Heifer Project International Ranch, I would not be anywhere near where I am today in terms of my progress academically. When it comes down to it, however, my summer spent at Arkansas Governor's School most extensively affected the development of my intellectuality.

To some, choosing to spend four weeks of the summer at "school" may sound absurd, but I saw it immediately as a chance to engage myself in something truly unique. Attending under the mathematics field, I spent a majority of my time there investigating the intricacies of ideas that a normal school environment had never given me the chance to before. Concepts like that of Hilbert's paradox of the Grand Hotel and the topology of a MĂśbius strip at times blew my mind, and I saw a side of learning that required an entirely new way of thinking to comprehend. This realization sparked a new-found interest in further broadening my scope of what I have come to accept as knowledge, and I now crave the possibility of learning something new as intensely as many crave a nap after a long day at school or the workplace. The satisfaction of doing so (learning) on an individual basis is something I didn't fully appreciate prior to my experience at Governor's School, but it is now something that I have difficulty going without.

Arkansas Governor's School has played a role in my intellectual and personal development in a way that no other experience in my life has matched. I find myself to be a more overall well-rounded person as a result of my attendance, and I truly believe that it has strengthened my chances for future success."

I imagine that there are several things that can be addressed within the short essay, so as I said, just point them out!
tannerscooter 6 / 14 1  
Oct 29, 2012   #2
Wow this is a solid and very well-written essay! I can't help but thinking that you should add a phrase like "and mentally" after the "academically" in the first sentence, since it's obvious that this experience affected more than just your schooling habits.

"and I now crave the possibility of learning something new as intensely as many one crave(s) a nap after a long day at school or the workplace."

I just think changing the "many" to "one" sounds better because it's easier for a reader to compare one person to another person instead of one person to many people.

Overall, I think you have a very great essay here! I love your styling and I can really get the feeling that greatly affected you. Good luck with Stanford! (:


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