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'No life discrimination' - princeton supplement



sarahbeeThreads: 1
Posts: 56
Author: Sarah Brathwaite
   
Dec 30, 2011, 07:37pm   #1
Hey guys, this is a REALLY, REALLY ROUGH draft. I kind of wrote this really quickly so please be harsh!

Prompt: Talk about someone who has influenced you.

I am not a person that is easily influenced, however I am easily inspired, and I believe that those two words go hand in hand. So when I was asked to talk about a person who influenced me, or rather inspired me, two words came to mind. D***s H**k. Better known as Mr. ****, the principal of my high school.

This year, there was a change in administration throughout the school district, and we at the high school were fortunate enough to acquire as Mr. **** as our new principal. I never knew what we were missing until he took office. He brought a whole new spirit to the school. It is obvious that he enjoys his job very much, and although I do not plan on entering the education field, I want to have the passion he has for his job, no matter where I end up. That is what I admire the most - his passion and commitment.

Every morning, the first thing every student is greeted with Mr. ****'s smiling face, while they walk up the main steps. It could be raining, hailing, sleeting, snowing, or all of those combined, and you would still find him standing out there with his signature smile. Before every break, he walks to every classroom and wishes everybody a safe and happy break, and he makes an effort to show up at the majority of school affairs. The reason why I bring up these occurrences is because many people say that, "the love is in the little things" , which I strongly agree with. By him taking time out of his demanding schedule to show his face and be an active member of the school's community shows how dedicated he is to his. and more importantly, the school. He gives his full effort to whatever task he undertakes, whether it is greeting the students or organizing an emergency meeting.

The love he has for his job shines through every day, and because of his commitment to his job, the school has benefited tremendously. His attitude has inspired me to give all that I have to whatever I do. He has taught me how to be passionate towards all tasks I am given. Mr. **** has showed me that everything deserves a person's full attention and dedication, no hatter how mundane or spectacular the task may be. There should be no discrimination towards anything you do in life. When I catch myself doing something haphazardly, I think about Mr.**** and his attitude toward whatever he does. His way of living has influenced me to be someone who cherishes all the opportunities I am given, and never do something without giving it all of my effort.

p.s. will return the favor



need_adviceThreads: 6
Posts: 35
Author: Soni Kaur
  [Suspended]  
Dec 30, 2011, 07:57pm   #2
You chose a good person to write about, considering a principal is quite influential. I would make a few changes like not saying "hand in hand" because it's kinda cliche
and I would personally re-word the 2nd para just a tad so that you don't have to use so many commas (it makes it sound choppy). Also, read over the first sent of
the 3rd para and make sure it makes sense. I like the tone you used throughout the essay! Nice work and good luck!


JerlynnThreads: 3
Posts: 33
Author: Jerlynn Tay
   
Dec 30, 2011, 07:59pm   #3
Hey, I like the subject choice of your essay. Most people go with teachers and left out the admin staff.

no hatter how typo here.

And some suggestion, maybe you can add in more about yourself instead of just the last part?

Really appreciate it if you can look at my NYU Supp and maybe some pointers on where I go wrong with my grammar and generally. Cheers!


deremifriThreads: 9
Posts: 167
Author: Michael Ulrich
   
Dec 30, 2011, 07:59pm   #4
I recommend you to be a little more concise.
You say so many times that he is passionate and commited, it just seems overloaded.
Maybe you could make the influence come out stronger.
Maybe by relating how you first saw him on the steps smiling to you.
One thing you might want to add is that your director smiled sincerely. If he did so.
And the first sentence does not make real sense to me.
First not influenced but inspired, then influenced=inspired.
You should also talk more about how he influenced you.


music920Threads: 6
Posts: 33
Author: Lacey Nelson
   
Dec 30, 2011, 08:23pm   #5
Good essay, I agree that it's a nice change you chose to focus on the principal instead of a specific teacher - many people often forget about their principals! (I know I do).

So, just a couple of suggestions.

-I think you should make that very opening statement "I am not a person that is easily influenced" it's own sentence. Then start a new sentence with the "However...etc etc". I think it'll make for a bolder opening, and the second sentence will still flow.

- question: are you going to keep the ****'s in for the name? I think that when it comes time to submit your essay, you should include his real name as it will make the essay more real and personal.

- While you paint a wonderful picture of what seems like this amazing principle, I think you should try elaborate a little more on how/why he inspires you and how you've changed or been influenced by him. Maybe only one paragraph should be dedicated to portraying him, and two explaining why he's been such a prominent figure in your life.

Overall, I enjoyed reading your essay, and I like how you end on a very nice note with a simple, but strong message. Good work, and good luck! (:


sarahbeeThreads: 1
Posts: 56
Author: Sarah Brathwaite
   
Dec 30, 2011, 08:34pm   #6
thanks guys.

and lacey, his name will be included when I submit. i just don't think he would want his name on the internet like this. and thanks for the help.


KielbasyThreads: -
Posts: 7
Author: Robert Krasowski
   
Dec 30, 2011, 09:23pm   #7
It might just be a miscommunication on my part, but I feel that this relationship between influence and inspiration isn't expressed coherently. Again, that might just be my fault.

Otherwise, your essay was good! I would touch up the flow of your sentences, though, so it sounds as smooth as silk (these are minor changes in grammatical structure, I mean). Also, why focusing on your principal's qualities is okay, I would suggest that you focus more on how these qualities of his have influenced you, personally. Perhaps a personal anecdote would help?

- - - - -
Check out mine, as well:
http://www.essayforum.com/undergraduate-admission-2/help-brother-out-c olumbias-short-answers-35944/


makman09Threads: 12
Posts: 118
Author: Mustafa Khan
   
Dec 30, 2011, 10:55pm   #8
You only give two sentences on how he impacted you, but the majority of the essay is on what your Principal did. The Common App essay is suppose to show who you are, not who the principal is. You only give two sentences on who you are, but you give more than 3 paragraphs on who he is. It's a good essay, but you don't follow the prompt at all. Try revising by expanding more on he impacted you and condensing on what he does.

Oh, and can you give my Columbia Supplement a read?


matthewmuliadiThreads: 1
Posts: 16
Author: Matthew Muliadi
   
Dec 30, 2011, 11:06pm   #9
I agree with makman. Talk more about how he actually changed and brought an impact to you. It is a good essay, but you talk about who he is and what he does a bit too much. This should just be supplemental information that will lead up to the main body of your essay which should be 'how he has influenced you'.

Do you mind taking a read at my Cornell Supplement? will appreciate it. thanks :)


bestcrayons911Threads: 2
Posts: 12
Author: Natalia Nguyen
   
Dec 30, 2011, 11:09pm   #10
At the high school were fortunate enough to acquire as Mr. H*** as our new principal. Do you mean "we're"? I think you should change it to "we were" just to clear things up. Also, if you need to cut down words, I don't think you need "at the high school". You made that clear in an earlier sentence.

Every morning, the first thing every student is greeted with is Mr. H***'s sincere smiling face, as they walk up the main steps. This sentence is a little awkward to read. I would rewrite it as "First thing in the morning, every student is greeted by Mr. H***'s sincere smile as they walk up the main steps." This is just a suggestion; you don't have to change it if you don't want to.

Before every break, he walks to every classroom and wishes everybody a safe and happy break, and he makes an effort to show up at the majority of school affairs. I don't think you need the "before every break" because you say break later on in the sentence. Say that he's very dedicated to his job/students/school before this sentence instead.

The reason why I bring up these occurrences is because many people say that, "the love is in the little things" , which I strongly agree with. Cut out "the reason why I bring up these occurrences is because". Many people say that "the love is the little things". Looking at Mr. H***, I strongly agree with this statement.

By him taking time out of his demanding schedule to show his face and be an active member of the school's community shows how dedicated he is to the school. He shows how dedicated he is to the school by taking time out of his demanding schedule to be an active member of the school's community.

As a senior, I have been able to really experience the difference because I have experienced life before him. I don't think you need the second part, "because I have experienced life before him" unless you're going to talk about how different it was before.

Let's just say everything that could go wrong was. Simplify to "everything was going wrong" or cleverly mention Murphy's Law.

To my surprise, he pulled me aside and asked me what was wrong, and he was really sincere about it. You don't need the sincere part. I think that by pulling you aside and asking you what's wrong conveys how sincere he was.

It is rare that you find someone with his responsibilities to notice that something is not right, and try and make it better. This sentence confused me; what did you mean "find someone with his responsibilities"? Did you mean someone with lots of responsibilities? Someone who was preoccupied with his responsibilities? Change "to" to "with"? After this sentence, insert something about how he inspired you to do the same.

There should be no discrimination towards anything you do in life. I'm confused about this as well. What does it mean? How did he show you this?

His way of living has influenced me to be someone who cherishes all the opportunities I am given, and never do something without giving it all of my effort. Again, how has he showed you to cherish your opportunities?

Other than those few corrections, I'd say this is a very well written essay. Feel free to reject anything I suggested if you think your way is better. If you have some free time, do you think you could do mine?


karissa_a16Threads: 4
Posts: 103
Author: karissa austin
   
Dec 30, 2011, 11:09pm   #11
Yes, you definitely need to focus on what he did for you. He seems like a very interesting character. Thanks for reading mine!


orbits22Threads: 1
Posts: 10
   
Dec 30, 2011, 11:16pm   #12
By him taking time out of his demanding schedule to show his face and be an active member of the school's community shows how dedicated he is to the school.
I find this sentence a bit awkward, although it is not grammatically wrong.

Let's just say everything that could go wrong was going wrong. (or something of the sort you shouldnt just end the sentence like that)

I will forever be grateful for the five minutes he gave me; he made me feel like a person instead of an obligation.


He has shown me that everything deserves a person's full attention and

Other than that, good job. The essay could use a bit more about you, though.

If you have time, can you look over mine?


sarahbeeThreads: 1
Posts: 56
Author: Sarah Brathwaite
   
Dec 30, 2011, 11:17pm   #13
thanks guys!


orbits22Threads: 1
Posts: 10
   
Dec 30, 2011, 11:18pm   #14
oh also, does anyone know if we might get caught for plagurizing our own essays? Since we put them on this website and colleges will probably have a plagurizing machine that looks on websites...


sarahbeeThreads: 1
Posts: 56
Author: Sarah Brathwaite
   
Dec 30, 2011, 11:24pm   #15
OMG! THAT CROSSED MY MIND TOO! I think i'm going to just pay to delete the thread!


MDesThreads: 1
Posts: 6
Author: Matt Desjardin
   
Dec 30, 2011, 11:25pm   #16
As a senior, I have been able to really experience the difference because I have experienced life before him. Mr. H*** fosters an environment where people want to do better. Personally, he has done a lot for me. I remember one morning, I was having a pretty rough start. Let's just say everything that could go wrong was. Everything was going wrong. To my surprise, he pulled me aside and asked me what was wrong, and he was really sincere about it. He gave me five minutes of his personal time to vent, and not once did he try and brush me off. It is rare that you find someone with his responsibilities to notice that something is not right, and try and make it better. If I see someone in the hallway that is down, I offer them a pair of ears to listen. I will forever be grateful for the five minutes he gave me, he made me feel like a person instead of an obligation.
--------------------
Just my opinion on this paragraph. I liked the essay on the whole. Good luck!


orbits22Threads: 1
Posts: 10
   
Dec 30, 2011, 11:25pm   #17
really?!! 8 dollars? i was considering it but wtf. -________-"
if i had known this i wouldnt have posted any essays at all.


sarahbeeThreads: 1
Posts: 56
Author: Sarah Brathwaite
   
Dec 30, 2011, 11:27pm   #18
exactly.it occurred to me late, but i'm just gonna do it! better safe than sorry in my book.

there goes my christmas money :(


MDesThreads: 1
Posts: 6
Author: Matt Desjardin
   
Dec 30, 2011, 11:43pm   #19
@sarahbee @orbits22

It's not plagiarism if you have your full name to credit.


sarahbeeThreads: 1
Posts: 56
Author: Sarah Brathwaite
   
Dec 30, 2011, 11:50pm   #20
ahh, i see. i'm still not going to chance it though. i'm going to try and delete my threads in the morning.


4151yhhThreads: 3
Posts: 14
Author: Yingying Huang
   
Dec 31, 2011, 12:33am   #21
sarahbee:
I am not a person that is easily influenced, nor am I easily inspired. So when I was asked to talk about a person who influenced me, or rather inspired me, two
words namescame to mind. D*** H***. Better known as Mr. H***, the principal of my high school. This year, there was a change in administration throughout the school district. At the high school were fortunate enough to acquire as Mr. H*** as our new principal.(This sentence is kind of weird) I never knew what we were missing until he took office; he brought a whole new spirit to the school. It is obvious that he enjoys his job very much, and although I do not plan on entering the education field, I want to have the passion he has for his job, no matter what I end up doing.

Every morning, the first thing every student sees is Mr. H***'s sincere smiling face
, as they walking up the main steps. No matter it is

It could be raining, hailing, sleeting, snowing, or all of those combined,
and you would
still find him standing out there with his signatured(not very sure about this) smile. Before every break, he walks to every classroom and wishes everybody a safe and happy break, and he makes an effort to show up at the majority of school affairs. The reason why I bring up these occurrences is because many people say that, "the love is in the little things" , which I strongly agree with. By him taking time out of his demanding schedule to show his face and be an active member of the school's community shows how dedicated he is to the school. He gives his full effort to whatever task he undertakes, whether it is greeting the students or organizing an emergency meeting.

As a senior, I have been able to really experience the difference because I have experienced life before him.(not sure what is this sentence mean) Mr. H*** fosters an environment where people want to do better. Personally, he has done a lot for me. I remember one morning, I was having a pretty rough start.
Let's just say everything that could go wrong was.(kind of too unofficial) To my surprise, he pulled me aside and sincerely asked me what was wrong,
and he was really sincere about it. He gave me five minutes of his personal time to vent, and not once did he try and brush me off. It is rare that you find someone with his responsibilities to notice that something is not right, and try and make it better. If I see someone in the hallway that is down, I offer them a pair of ears to listen. I will
foreveralways be grateful for the five minutes he gave me, his care
he made me feel like a person instead of an obligation.

The love he has for his job shines through every day and the school has benefited tremendously. He has showed me that everything deserves a person's full attention and dedication, no hatter how mundane or spectacular the task may be. There should be no discrimination towards anything you do in life. When I catch myself doing something haphazardly, I think about Mr. H*** and his attitude toward whatever he does. His way of living has influenced me to be someone who cherishes all the opportunities I am given, and never do something without giving it all of my effort.


Same comment as above, there's too much talking about your principle rather than you. So you might consider to make the essay more personal and talk about what you have learned and where you will bring that experience to in the future. (For example: say I will care about others just like how my principle has cared about me)


JerlynnThreads: 3
Posts: 33
Author: Jerlynn Tay
   
Dec 31, 2011, 01:47am   #22
Agree with the others. More about you is needed. Good Luck!


goalgir4Threads: 1
Posts: 9
Author: Adiza Ameh
   
Dec 31, 2011, 01:16pm   #23
Hate to be redundant, but yes, too much about your principal. If you are concerned about word count and need to edit to make it more about you, i think you should take out the entire first paragraph.




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