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' New Schools, New Me' - Common App Essay #5



mendoza123Threads: 1
Posts: 12
Author: Bryan Mendoza   [Suspended]   		Jan 2, 2012, 04:55pm   #1
If you guys could help revise my essay i would really appreciate it. Anything that seems wrong, any additions , deletions etc are helpful. Also don't worry about being to harsh with the criticism, i think that it would help a lot.

5. A range of academic interests, personal perspectives, and life experiences adds much to the educational mix. Given your personal background, describe an experience that illustrates what you would bring to the diversity in a college community, or an encounter that demonstrated the importance of diversity to you.

Essay- 474 words


New Schools, New Me

As first generation Chicano, it has always been important for me to work hard so I could become the first member of my family to have a college education. I recognize that my parents had to make many sacrifices to come to this country and start all over. When I was young I attended a catholic elementary school which was diverse in its students but not in religion. We followed a strict catholic view on life and our work revolved on that view. Entering my sixth grade year, my parents told me that we had to move to a new city and that I would be attending a public school. I felt devastated, a little angry, but most of all I was scared. I was going to leave all my friends behind that I had known for years but what scared me the most was enrolling in a Public School. There was not much left for me to do except to learn to adapt to my new environment. As soon as I entered P.S. 27 it was as if I entered a new world. It was nothing like the catholic school I attended, this was much more diverse in almost every aspect. The classes were very decorative and displayed more liberal art, the teachers were male and female and not nuns which I was accustomed to, and there were people of all races and religions. My transition into this new school was hard at first but it proved to be worth it in the end. I made new friends who came from various backgrounds and with different personalities from what I had previously seen. I learned from my friends and they learned from me.

Having a unique experience of changing schools during a crucial time in a growing teenager's life has given me a very helpful insight on what to expect in the future. I carried my old customs with me into my new school and left with a more mature view of the world with a desire to tackle the next stage in my adolescent life which was High School. High School was like changing schools all over again, but this time I was ready and knew what to expect. I was nervous at first but I was also determined incorporate what I learned into my high school experience and make a change within the high school itself. I entered more clubs, participated in community service, took music classes, made different kinds of friends and became involved in my school. Everything I have done was to prepare me for college in order to make the best of what is to come. I am ready to take the next big step in my life and I am certain that my experiences will contribute to the diversity of the college life.
SnowflakesThreads: 1
Posts: 11
Author: Cynthia Yang     		Jan 2, 2012, 05:52pm   #2
As a first generation Chicano, it has always been important for me to work hard so I could become the first member of my family to have a college education. I recognize that My parents had to make many sacrifices to come to this country to leave behind all they had and start all over. When I was young I attended a catholic elementary school which was diverse in its students but not in religion. We followed a strict catholic view on life and our work revolved on that view. Entering my sixth grade year, my parents told me that we had to move to a new city and that I would be attending a public school. I felt devastated, a little angry, but most of all I was scared. I was not only going to leave all my friends behind that I had known for years but what scared me the most was I would also be enrolling in a Public School. There was not much left for me to do except to learn to adapt to my new environment. As soon as I entered P.S. 27 it was as if I entered a new world. It was nothing like the catholic school I attended, this was much more diverse in almost every aspect. The classes were very decorative and displayed more liberal art, the teachers were male and female and not nuns which I was accustomed to, and there were people of all races and religions. My transition into this new school was hard at first but it proved to be worth it in the end. I made new friends who came from various backgrounds and with different personalities from what I had previously seen. I learned from my friends and they learned from me.
Maybe you could take a specific event where you learned from your friends. Show how you learned from them, and they learned from you. It'll leave a deeper impression than simply saying that you learned from them. That's too vague and it's easily forgotten. Make sure that your statements are specific and unique, ones that others can't copy easily.
I like your conclusion. Take that, go through your essay, and make sure every point and sentence you write supports it!
crystal77Threads: 8
Posts: 24
Author: Crystal Amaechi  Likes 1   		Jan 2, 2012, 05:53pm   #3
very nice essay, however....

My transition into this new school was hard at first but it proved to be worth it in the end. I made new friends who came from various backgrounds and with different personalities from what I had previously seen. I learned from my friends and they learned from me.

Please elaborate on how your transition was worth while in the end. Tell of acomplishments and go into depth about how your new friends learned from you vice versa.
Helped you now me plz I NEED HELP THX!
mendoza123Threads: 1
Posts: 12
Author: Bryan Mendoza   [Suspended]   		Jan 2, 2012, 06:28pm   #4
thanks a lot for the help!
ericao2010Threads: 12
Posts: 54
Author: Erica Onwuegbuchu     		Jan 2, 2012, 06:56pm   #5
I think the missing ingredient your missing is the focus. I like how you started off with the fact that your are Chicano and a first generation college student. I think this should be your focus throughout your essay. The fact that you went from catholic school to public school is good, but I don't think it demonstrates directly how you will add diversity to the prospective university. I think you should try and find a more specific experience in your life that relates to you being Chicano and use that to show the reader how that makes you diverse. You can still mention that you went to catholic school but I don't think that should be the bulk of your essay.

Hope this helps!

Now please help me with mine. I have an RA essay to write and I don't know which direction to go!

Thanks! :)
saurabh93Threads: 11
Posts: 129
Author: Saurabh Shah     		Jan 2, 2012, 07:00pm   #6
I think that the title is a bit cliche, but your essay is certainly concise.
--please review my pomona essay thanks
pinkcheetahThreads: 2
Posts: 18
Author: C. Gutbezahl     		Jan 2, 2012, 07:07pm   #7
mendoza123:
Having a unique experience of changing schools during a crucial time in a growing teenager's life has given me a very helpful insight on what to expect in the future.

mendoza123:
When I was young, I attended a Catholic elementary school. It which was diverse in its students but not in religion. We [This reads as the school, do you mean your family though?] followed a strict Catholic view on life and our work revolved on that view.

mendoza123:
I felt devastated, and a little angry, but most of all I was scared. I was not only going to be leavingleave all of my friends behind, but I would also be enrolling in a New York City (add the formal name, I took a guess) Public School. There was not much left for me to that I could do except to learn to adapt to my new environment. As soon as I entered P.S. 27, it was as if I entered a new world. It was nothing like the Catholic school I had attended ; it this was much more diverse in almost every aspect. The classes were very decorative and displayed more liberal art. T he teachers were male and female and not they were not the nuns towhich I was accustomed. to, and There were people of all races and religions.

mendoza123:
Having a unique experience of changing schools during a crucial time in a growing teenager's life has given me a very helpful insight on as to what to expect in the future.


Hope this helps you out! And I don't think that your essay was really missing anything. Please help me with my Pomona essay if you can tonight! Pomona Essay- Scheduling Experience DUE TONIGHT!
mendoza123Threads: 1
Posts: 12
Author: Bryan Mendoza   [Suspended]   		Jan 2, 2012, 07:41pm   #8
thanks a lot guys!
ItsokaytoGagaThreads: 15
Posts: 128
Author: Sidharth Dandekar     		Jan 2, 2012, 07:58pm   #9
Hi Bryan, great work!
I like how you described your transition from a rigid catholic environment to a more liberal one.
However, like the first comment says you need to either stick to your transition or how being a Chicano and first generation of college aspirant from your family is important to you. Also, I'm not sure if a reader can gauge your thought process by this essay completely. While I see this is well written, I'm not entirely clear your personality shine through well enough.
I hope you could make use of whatever I had to say. :) Other than that, good job! Good luck!

Please check my latest post in my CommonApp essay thread. I would really be grateful. Thanks! :)
mendoza123Threads: 1
Posts: 12
Author: Bryan Mendoza   [Suspended]   		Jan 2, 2012, 08:04pm   #10
thanks for the comment..i decided to edit out the Chicano part and focus on the transition
myjeselleThreads: 4
Posts: 16
Author: Jeselle Padilla     		Jan 3, 2012, 04:14pm   #11
When I was young, I attended a Catholic elementary school. It was diverse in its students, but not in religion. We followed a strict Catholic view on life and our work revolved on around that view. Upon entering my sixth grade year, my parents told me that we had to move to a new town and that I would be attending a public school. I felt devastated, and a little angry, but most of all, I was scared. I was not only going to be leaveing all my friends behind, but I would also be enrolling in a Ppublic Sschool. There was not much that I could do except to learn to adapt to my new environment. As soon as I entered P.S. 27, it was as if I had entered a new world. It was nothing like the Catholic school I had attended; it was much more diverse in almost every aspect. The classes were very decorative and displayed a more liberal art. The teachers were male and female and they were, not the nuns to which I was accustomed to. There were people of all races and religions. My transition into this new school was hard at first but it proved to be worth it in the end. I made new friends who came from various backgrounds and with different personalities from what I had previously seen. I learned from my friends and they learned from me My friends and I learned from each other that what matters is not where we come from, but how we apply our traditions to improve our lives and the lives of others.

Having a unique experience of Experiencing changing schools during a crucial time in a growing teenager's my life has given me helpful insights as to what to expect in the future. I carried my old customs with me into my new school and left with a more mature view of the world with and a desire to tackle the next stage in my adolescent life: which was Hhigh Sschool. High Sschool was like changing schools all over again, but this time I was ready and knew what to expect. I was nervous at first but I was also determined to incorporate what I learned into my high school experience and make a change within the high school itself. I entered more clubs, participated in community service, took music classes, made different kinds of friends, and became involved in my school. Everything I had done was to prepare me for college in order to make the best of what is to come. I am ready to take the next big step in my life and I am certain that my experiences will contribute to the diversity of the college life.
ItsokaytoGagaThreads: 15
Posts: 128
Author: Sidharth Dandekar     		Jan 3, 2012, 05:10pm   #12
When I was young I attended a Catholic elementary school. It was diverse inits terms of 000]terms of[/font] students but not in religion. We followed a strict catholic view on life and our work revolved on that view. Entering my sixth grade year, my parents told me that we had to move to a new town and that I would be attending a public school. I felt devastated, and a little angry, but most of all I was scared. I was not only going to be leaving all my friends behind but I would also be enrolling in a Public School. There was not much that I could do except to learn to adapt to my new environment. As soon as I entered P.S. 27,font#0000FF],[/font] it was as if I entered a new world. It was nothing like the Catholic school I had attended; it was much more diverse in almost every aspect. The classes were very decorative and displayed more liberal art. The teachers were male and female and they were not the nuns to which I was accustomed to. There were people of all races and religions. My transition into this new school was hard at first but it proved to be worth it worthwhile in the end. I made new friends who came from various backgrounds and with different personalities from what I had previously seen. I learned from my friends and they learned from me that what matters is not My friends and I learned from each other that it did not matter where we come from, but how we apply our traditions to improve our lives and the lives of others.

Having a unique experience of changing schools during a crucial time in a growing teenager's life has given me helpful insight as to what to expect in the future. I carried my old customs with me into my new school and left with a more mature view of the world with a desire to tackle the next stage in my adolescent life which was High School. High School was like changing schools all over again, but this time I was ready and knew what to expect. I was nervous at first but I was also determined to incorporate what I learned into my high school experience and make a change within the high school itself. I entered more clubs, participated in community service, took music classes, made different kinds of friends and became involved in my school. Everything I had done was to prepare me for college in order to make the best of what is to come. I am ready to take the next big step in my life and I am certain that my experiences will contribute to the diversity of the college life.

I think you should use the corrections from the above post also. Hope this helps!

PLEASE have a look at my Tufts Supplement! :) Thanks!
mendoza123Threads: 1
Posts: 12
Author: Bryan Mendoza   [Suspended]   		Jan 3, 2012, 06:25pm   #13
Jan 16, 2012, 02:22pm - Attached on merging:
Final Common App Essay Review!? will return the favor!!

I think it is nearly perfect but some last minute reviews won't do any harm. If you find anything worth adding, changing or revising then i would appreciate it if you would let me know. Also, i think i could use a better title but not sure what would fit the essay. Thank you very much and i will return the favor if helped!

5. A range of academic interests, personal perspectives, and life experiences adds much to the educational mix. Given your personal background, describe an experience that illustrates what you would bring to the diversity in a college com

New School, New Me

When I was young, I attended a Catholic elementary school. It was diverse in terms of its students, but not in religion. We followed a strict Catholic view on life and our work revolved around that view. Upon entering the sixth grade, my parents told me that we had to move to a new town and that I would be attending a public school. I felt devastated, and a little angry, but most of all I was scared. I was not only going to leave all my friends behind, but I would also be enrolling in a public school in the city of Paterson which has a notorious reputation. There was not much that I could do except to learn to adapt to my new environment. As soon as I entered P.S. 27, it was as if I had entered a new world. It was nothing like the Catholic school I had attended; it was more diverse in almost every aspect. The classes were very decorative and displayed a more liberal art. The teachers were male and female, not the nuns to which I was accustomed. There were people of all races and religions. My transition into this new school was hard at first but it proved to be worthwhile in the end. I made new friends who came from various backgrounds and with different personalities. My friends and I learned from each other that what matters is not where we come from, but how we apply our traditions to improve our lives and the lives of others.

Having the unique experience of changing schools during a crucial time in my life has given me helpful insights as to what to expect in the future. I carried my old customs with me into my new school and left with a more mature view of the world and a desire to tackle the next stage in my adolescent life: High School. High School was like changing schools all over again, but this time I was ready. I was nervous at first, but I was also determined to incorporate what I learned into my high school experience and make a change within the high school itself. I entered more clubs, participated in community service, took music classes, made different kinds of friends, and became involved in my school. Everything I had done was to prepare me for college in order to make the best of what is to come. I am ready to take the next big step in my life and I am certain that my experiences will contribute to the diversity of college life.
alexxisxThreads: -
Posts: 23
     		Jan 3, 2012, 06:38pm   #14
but I would also be enrolling in a public school in the city of Paterson which has a notorious reputation. --- here, I was expecting you to say "notorious reputation of/for being...". Just a suggestion because I'm not quite clear on what's so bad about Paterson atm (e.g. crime, murder, gangs).

The classes were very decorative and displayed a more liberal art. - the classes, or the classrooms? I don't see how you can describe a class (the actual course itself) to be "decorative" and I find the phrase "a more liberal art" a little awkward. Are you actually referring to physical art? (decor, paintings, etc.), or are you saying that the classes were taught in a more liberal manner? I think you should rephrase this sentence as it is quite unclear.

The teachers were male and female, not the nuns to which I was accustomed. -- personally, I find the first part of the phrase a tad awkward. I would prefer "There were teachers of both sexes...". The way you've put it makes it sound like the teachers themselves were both male and female at once...

I carried my old customs with me into my new school and left with a more mature view of the world and a desire to tackle the next stage in my adolescent life: High School. - don't capitalize high school.

High School was like changing schools all over again, but this time I was ready - I think it's more correct to say "Entering high school was like..."
luvicemochaThreads: 3
Posts: 31
Author: Minia Nataly Rios     		Jan 3, 2012, 06:39pm   #15
I think you are kind of repeting yourself with
mendoza123:
became involved in my school

and
mendoza123:
entered more clubs

I think they basicly state the same thing so just choose one

Other than that I think it's great, very precise and well writter :) good luck


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