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' New Schools, New Me' - Common App Essay #5


mendoza123 1 / 8  
Jan 2, 2012   #1
If you guys could help revise my essay i would really appreciate it. Anything that seems wrong, any additions , deletions etc are helpful. Also don't worry about being to harsh with the criticism, i think that it would help a lot.

5. A range of academic interests, personal perspectives, and life experiences adds much to the educational mix. Given your personal background, describe an experience that illustrates what you would bring to the diversity in a college community, or an encounter that demonstrated the importance of diversity to you.

Essay- 474 words

New Schools, New Me

As first generation Chicano, it has always been important for me to work hard so I could become the first member of my family to have a college education. I recognize that my parents had to make many sacrifices to come to this country and start all over. When I was young I attended a catholic elementary school which was diverse in its students but not in religion. We followed a strict catholic view on life and our work revolved on that view. Entering my sixth grade year, my parents told me that we had to move to a new city and that I would be attending a public school. I felt devastated, a little angry, but most of all I was scared. I was going to leave all my friends behind that I had known for years but what scared me the most was enrolling in a Public School. There was not much left for me to do except to learn to adapt to my new environment. As soon as I entered P.S. 27 it was as if I entered a new world. It was nothing like the catholic school I attended, this was much more diverse in almost every aspect. The classes were very decorative and displayed more liberal art, the teachers were male and female and not nuns which I was accustomed to, and there were people of all races and religions. My transition into this new school was hard at first but it proved to be worth it in the end. I made new friends who came from various backgrounds and with different personalities from what I had previously seen. I learned from my friends and they learned from me.

Having a unique experience of changing schools during a crucial time in a growing teenager's life has given me a very helpful insight on what to expect in the future. I carried my old customs with me into my new school and left with a more mature view of the world with a desire to tackle the next stage in my adolescent life which was High School. High School was like changing schools all over again, but this time I was ready and knew what to expect. I was nervous at first but I was also determined incorporate what I learned into my high school experience and make a change within the high school itself. I entered more clubs, participated in community service, took music classes, made different kinds of friends and became involved in my school. Everything I have done was to prepare me for college in order to make the best of what is to come. I am ready to take the next big step in my life and I am certain that my experiences will contribute to the diversity of the college life.
crystal77 8 / 13 1  
Jan 2, 2012   #2
very nice essay, however...

My transition into this new school was hard at first but it proved to be worth it in the end. I made new friends who came from various backgrounds and with different personalities from what I had previously seen. I learned from my friends and they learned from me.

Please elaborate on how your transition was worth while in the end. Tell of acomplishments and go into depth about how your new friends learned from you vice versa.

Helped you now me plz I NEED HELP THX!
ericao2010 12 / 32  
Jan 2, 2012   #3
I think the missing ingredient your missing is the focus. I like how you started off with the fact that your are Chicano and a first generation college student. I think this should be your focus throughout your essay. The fact that you went from catholic school to public school is good, but I don't think it demonstrates directly how you will add diversity to the prospective university. I think you should try and find a more specific experience in your life that relates to you being Chicano and use that to show the reader how that makes you diverse. You can still mention that you went to catholic school but I don't think that should be the bulk of your essay.

Hope this helps!

Now please help me with mine. I have an RA essay to write and I don't know which direction to go!

Thanks! :)
saurabh93 11 / 94  
Jan 2, 2012   #4
I think that the title is a bit cliche, but your essay is certainly concise.
--please review my pomona essay thanks
ItsokaytoGaga 15 / 96  
Jan 2, 2012   #5
Hi Bryan, great work!
I like how you described your transition from a rigid catholic environment to a more liberal one.
However, like the first comment says you need to either stick to your transition or how being a Chicano and first generation of college aspirant from your family is important to you. Also, I'm not sure if a reader can gauge your thought process by this essay completely. While I see this is well written, I'm not entirely clear your personality shine through well enough.

I hope you could make use of whatever I had to say. :) Other than that, good job! Good luck!

Please check my latest post in my CommonApp essay thread. I would really be grateful. Thanks! :)
OP mendoza123 1 / 8  
Jan 2, 2012   #6
thanks for the comment..i decided to edit out the Chicano part and focus on the transition
alexxisx - / 8  
Jan 3, 2012   #7
but I would also be enrolling in a public school in the city of Paterson which has a notorious reputation. --- here, I was expecting you to say "notorious reputation of/for being...". Just a suggestion because I'm not quite clear on what's so bad about Paterson atm (e.g. crime, murder, gangs).

The classes were very decorative and displayed a more liberal art. - the classes, or the classrooms? I don't see how you can describe a class (the actual course itself) to be "decorative" and I find the phrase "a more liberal art" a little awkward. Are you actually referring to physical art? (decor, paintings, etc.), or are you saying that the classes were taught in a more liberal manner? I think you should rephrase this sentence as it is quite unclear.

The teachers were male and female, not the nuns to which I was accustomed. -- personally, I find the first part of the phrase a tad awkward. I would prefer "There were teachers of both sexes...". The way you've put it makes it sound like the teachers themselves were both male and female at once...

I carried my old customs with me into my new school and left with a more mature view of the world and a desire to tackle the next stage in my adolescent life: High School. - don't capitalize high school.

High School was like changing schools all over again, but this time I was ready - I think it's more correct to say "Entering high school was like..."
luvicemocha 2 / 20  
Jan 3, 2012   #8
I think you are kind of repeting yourself with

became involved in my school

and

entered more clubs

I think they basicly state the same thing so just choose one

Other than that I think it's great, very precise and well writter :) good luck


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