"This naive American girl impacted me" - University of Texas (Austin) Essay

This is the rough draft of my first UT essay. Please be honest with your feedback and any changes i can make to improve it. Thanks so much!

Write an essay in which you tell us about someone who has made an impact on your life and explain how and why this person is important to you. (it must be no longer than 120 eighty-character lines of text (including spaces and blank lines)

She was exactly what I didn't want in a partner; immature, dependent upon others, and the perfect example of a "what not to do" AMIGOS volunteer. My rigorous Tucson chapter training had prepared me for the hardships and disappointments of my Panamanian community; however, what most challenged me about my summer wasn't the Spanish language barrier or the cultural differences, but having to work with this incompetent partner.

During our first week in community I found myself more and more frustrated with Ashleigh as she defied every rule of cultural sensitivity in the book. Between her large dark sunglasses and giant rollie-suitcase, she did anything but assimilate with the native culture. She had been so sheltered throughout her life that the initial shock of our rural community left her nearly mute our first few week in community. The few times she did speak were in English in front of our community members, leaving them to believe she was talking about them.

A few weeks into the summer I became very sick, and needed medical attention. When my Panamanian host mother and supervisor decided it was time to call an ambulance, Ashleigh was already searching for my passports, preparing my medical information and finding someone in our community to carry me to the docks. The broken-down truck that was supposed to transport me to safety looked suddenly more appealing than staying sick in community. My host mom looked at Ashleigh and asked if she was coming to the hospital. Ashleigh, my once awkward and nervous partner, simply responded by jumping into the truck without a doubt in her mind.

Throughout the next twenty-four hours of treatment Ashleigh stayed by my side to tell doctors about my symptoms and constantly reassuring me that it was going to be all right. Even upon returning to our community she was continually checking up on me and explaining to community members what happened and updating them on my status.

At first, this naive American girl seemed like more of a nuisance than anyone I could get along with. But when I needed her the most, Ashleigh put all of her doubts and fears aside and proved to be a better friend than I could have ever imagined. She not only proved me wrong in judging her early on, but also showed me the importance of how much friends matter. Ashleigh made me realize that though friends don't always come in the most obvious packages, we have to really give them a chance to show us before we can judge them.

NO. Chole... this may be a person who is close to you but I can't impact that is strong enough.
By mentioning all this you just show yourself as a fundamentalist even though you write I have changed.(which comes by the way in the last para.)

Maybe you need to write something more thought provoking. Frankly, I don't see the transition. The essay's basic fault is that it does not concentrate on being a transition. Its needs more self realization and some introspection and all that.

I wrote about a 500 or 400 words essay for Texas Austin and that was accepted. But I applied as an freshman so don't if you are a transfer and their requirements are different...anyway, just that if you are a freshman just go for 500 words. Let the feelings, emotion and some dilemma come in your essay. Once that comes we can work more on content and editing.

Write 10000 words and post it up....we'll edit it. But tell the essay more about yourself, the girl and the change. Focus on growing up and changing of way you thought.

Post up a new draft and I'll certainly help that out. :)

I almost always agree with Siddarth's ideas, but I don't really understand this one. The essay surprised me, because it was at first all about this girl who was lacking cultural sensitivity... but in the end, the writer of the essay was the one who needed a wake up call. I think this has a lot of potential this way...

but it would be great to add some sentences to the end to explain the moral of the story. Chloe thought her partner was the person being oblivious to something, but actually it was Chloe that was oblivious. This realization of the partner's strength and dedication makes the essay meaningful and entertaining...

But it deserves more explanation and discussion at the end.

:-)

Kevin!!!! Thanks for pointing it out.


See, what I meant was that (I agree the above review was not my best) but that Chole I don't think its unwise to write about cultural insensitivity. The point is that if you touch cultural essay it needs to be perfect - the perfect balance of sensitivity and understanding. The essay here fails to strike the right cord, so it may become controversial. The committee would not approve of a person who they feel may be insensitive.

Once again, I don't have slightest intention of saying your a fundamentalist but your "writing" may be a cause for concern. We can't take the risk. Which is why I would suggest that you avoid this topic. Very few can really take up this topic and do justice to it. The admission essay is not somewhere you be all honest because someone else maybe smart and snatch away "your" seat.

Its your call on the topic but the essay needs to be worked on.