|As weird as it may sound my mother has had the most influence on me.You should rewrite this first sentence. My suggestion is to make it more formal. And if you're not going to do that then at least change "the most influence on me" to "influenced me the most" or something. I know that many people who find their mothers to be influential would be femalesI would suggest not putting random opinions in here. Why? Well, how do you know that most people who say their mothers are influential are women? You don't so don't put this here unless you absolutely know. Also if you're not going to change that then at least change that whole sentence to read: "It seems that many women say their mother is the most influential person in their lives." , but tend to have a different approach on this. Comma splices are a no-no. Start a new sentence and say "though (with a following comma)" instead of "but." Her hard workwork ethic and determinationNow, you may not think that the word "drive" is better than determination but, to me, it is. So, I would suggest that you replace the word "determination" with "drive." to give me and my brotherNo. It is "my brother and me." a better life than what she had, truly is influential to meOh-ho no. I would say "a better life than hers is truly influential to me.". My mother is a single parent of two boys, me and my older brother.Ahem. Last time I checked an older brother (no matter the age, really) is a boy. So then, since you're a guy, your two little brothers are guys and your older brother is a guy...that makes four guys. Although my father is still around from time to time, he has never financially supported me or my brother throughout our lives.Put this: "Although, my father is still present he has never provided for my family financially." Whenever he would come home from work ,no comma he would justsimply or just don't put a word here take a shower and walk out the door within 30numbers bigger than 0-10 are spelled out (I thiiiink....but anyway it is better to just spell it out.minutes to spend all that hes made that dayhis income. I can't even rememberrecall ever having aan actual conversation with him. It's as if he was non existent and his only role in my life was to give me a life. catchy~
Now that I'm
old enoughmature enough to realize how much my mother has done for me and my brothermy brother and me she's someone I truly look up to. WHY? maybe you would like to put in an example of how she has done this to expand your point.Her hard work throughout the years to support us, putting up with"tolerating" the fights me and my brother would haveseems childish (like you haven't matured and that you're not ready to go to college...rewrite it.), and taking care of us as a single parent.WOW, this sentence is a fragment. Rewrite it but make a point with it within the first part of the sentence It has always boggledinformal word...find another. my mind how she was able to pull all of this off ---> what do you mean by this???? rewrite it. Her days would bewere (you've been using multiple verb tenses...choose one and stick with it.) routine, she wakes <---verb confusionup 6 days a week at 7 o clockseven in the morning or something... and work 13spell out hours a day If you add up all the hours per week then that would be less time consuming, less confusing, and easier., come home from work to make dinner, shower and go to sleep. This also meant that throughout my childhood me and my brotheragain....I think you know what to fix by now have been somewhatno slang. This is too informal. independent, we had no one to look out after us. We had to take care of ourselves by cooking our own breakfast and lunch with what my mother had provided for us in the fridgeslang. use refridgerator. ---Rewrite this last sentence.
Although, throughout my life I
couldn'tno contractions. change to "could not" stand her at times due to a few reasons. Reasons such as how she would always be on my brother's side just because he's older than I am. ----the beginning of this is quite pointless and puts you in a childish light.... How she would always find the littlest things to complain to me about such assuch as and like such as....did you see the stupid beauty contest chick who couldn't answer a simple question? that is what all these "such as"..es. remind me of. not placing my shoes correctly. Now that I'm older now I've learned how I shouldn't talk back to my mom and how I should listen to her because of all she has done for meher sacrifice. I didn't realize how much she has provided for me and my brother until the summer of my Junior year, when i had the experience of working for the first time. Each week i would work for about 35-40 hours during the summer, which allowed me to make more than enough to support myself and not having the need to depend on my mother as much as i used to.
The previous paragraph doesn't seem to make much of a point....I think you should find a better topic because if you use this topic you're going to have to work a lot more. I suggest using more examples. You should also get rid of useless sentences and condense your writing (shorter is better for college essays...but not too short) In this case, you are trying to expand a topic that would make a very short, short answer.
She influenced me to become a better man I've been thinking you were a chick this whole entire time!!!
thatthan my father wasis your dad dead? if not then I would say "is" instead of "was.", to work hard in life, and never give up even when there are many obstacles to overcome "hindering my passage" = sounds a lot better. Her life goal was to give me and my brothermy brother and me a life she never had , and now my life goal is to give my mother a life my grandparentswhat do you mean by this? rewrite it. never had.
oooh hey, you noticed it too.
My last sentence "Her life goal was to give me and my brother a life she never had , and now my life goal is to give my mother a life my grandparents never had." i feel is a bit confusing, and need help on wording it better so that it would make a better impact on the reader since it is the last sentence to my essay. Basically what I'm trying to say is that i want to give my mom a better life when she gets older, one that my grandparents never got to experience. (they're alive)
I would rewrite it and well use more examples.....hmm just good luuuck.