Can someone please help me with my college essay prompt A, revisions would be very helpful, thnx.
"College is almost here and it's going to be an awesome year with all the perks of being a senior!" This is what I thought to myself every day before starting the fall semester. I am excited for this new chapter in my life while some others are having a hard time to embrace the change. Back when I was younger, change was difficult for me to embrace as well, but it all improved thanks to my mother. Change is an inevitable part of our life, one that we all go through, whether it is the way we act, the people we associate with or our surroundings - and many fear it while others embrace it.
For the last eighteen years I have encountered many difficult changes, but the biggest is yet to come - the transition from high school to college. The hardest change for me isn't worrying about funding for the education that will prepare me for the rest of my life; it is the fact that my mother, will not be there to support me through the thick and thin. But, my mother has already taught me well how to embrace change all throughout my life so I don't have trouble in the future.
I remember the first time she helped me transit to a different lifestyle like it was yesterday - on the day of my fifth birthday, back in Kosovo. At first, it seemed like it was going to be just like any other birthdays I've had in my past; my mother baking me my favorite Esterhazy cake, and me sitting in the living room playing with my new toys my father had gifted me. It all changed when we heard gunshots all over the place and the Serbian army soldiers stormed into our house, forced us outside on the street and burnt the entire house down to rubble. We were then transported to a refugee camp, since our homeland was being invaded by the Serbians. Even in that refugee camp my mother refused to give up and with the limited resources baked me the same cake to console me from the disturbances and said, "Son, no matter what obstacles you face in life, never give up! Always help others in need because God will then help you succeed." At that time I had no idea what she meant, but eventually it started to make sense as I grew older and realized how my parents didn't give up and left everything behind to start anew in the United States, just so my life doesn't get wasted amidst the havoc.
My mother is a woman of multifarious personalities and this makes her a balanced person. She always tries to enjoy life and never gives up on anything. She is never pessimistic about anything, no matter how tough it gets. When there is something troubling her, she never reveals it front of anyone and tackles the problem with a calm mind. And, it is due to all her efforts that I am here in the United States, leading a successful life, being educated in a top-notch school district. She is the one who taught me how to stand up for myself and how to embrace change and tackle difficult times; return to the community by volunteering and changing the lives of the underprivileged. It is now after about thirteen years that I understood the meaning of her important saying, to never fear the unexpected, but to make it a part of my life.
Hey,I hope I can help. Here's my opinion:
1. Your introduction! It is very typical and doesn't hook my interest. Do work on it. How about starting the essay like this : Exploring the new toys that I had just received from my father, for my birthday, my heart halted at the sound of what seemed like a million gunshots"
I think that would get your readers interest faster.
2. "Time TO embrace the change" try "A hard time embracing the change"
Also you need to use better language than "hard time", it is way too colloquial and not suitable for the tone of what is meant to be an expose of your writing ability
3. "Back when I was younger" also very colloquial in style, cut the "Back"
4. "But IT all improved THANKS to my mother" you not speaking to your friend here,you writing an academic piece. So: " That all improved as a result of my mothers invaluable intervention"
5. The word "embrace" is mentioned 4 times throughout the essay,3 of those 4 times is all in the 1st paragraph. Work on your vocabulary!
6. "Isn't" do not use contractions
7. "My mother has already....life" you getting redundant here, I suggest you cut it out.
"I don't have trouble" try: I do not experience any difficulties..."
Any I'm not even sure if you should include this statement,because no matter how prepared you are,in life,you will come across a number of troubles and you need to show the college you applying to that you are mature enough to understand that there will always be problems in life (especially with change) However,your mother has equipped you to deal with those issues effectively.
8. "Like it was yesterday" do not use cliches,they make your essay sound like a 14year old wrote it.
9. "Birthdays" should be in singular form,so it should read: "like any other birthday".
10. "I've had" contractions again!
11. "Baking me my..." Should be "baking my..."
12. "My new toys my father had gifted me" should read: "THE new toys WHICH my father had presented to me as a gift" or as I indicated in my first point.
13. "Gifted" is used to describe talent!
14. "All over the place" this is a cliches and it makes you sound like an 8year old
15. "Army soldiers" cut the "army". Should be "Serbian Soldiers"
16. "It started to make sense" again, you need to work on vocabulary. Try : eventually maturity shed light on her words"
17. "My mother is..". Try: My mother, a woman of A multifarious personalitY". Does she have one personality which has different aspects ? Or does she have a million personalities?
18. "Reveals it front of" should be "reveals it IN front of..."
19. "Top-notch" Really? How about "Academically acclaimed" ?
20. " After ABOUT thirteen..." Cut out the "about"
21. "It is Now...that I underSTOOD..." You jumping tenses. NOW is in the present tense,but UNDERSTOOD is in the past tense.
You seem to have an enthralling story,however at the end of the essay I know tons about your mother and very little about you. This essay should be all about you,so when you mention your mothers traits or struggles,you need to discuss it within the context of your struggles.
You have had to flee your home country and integrate into American society,I'm sure that was not easy for you and you must have experienced difficulties with that. So why not talk about that and how those difficulties have made you stronger,adaptable,a better communicator and not to mention unique!
Because of your story, you have the potential of having an essay that really stands out, so focus on YOUR struggles, YoUR hardship and show that they make you different to everyone else.
Although the essay is to learn more about you, colleges also use this to asses your intellectual ability. So do not use colloquial words or statements,show a logical and structured development of ideas and thoughts, use good vocabulary and write in a style that is expected for a high school senior,if the admissions officer suspects that a freshman can write in a better style then regardless of your grades,they will be very worried about your academic potential.
So do a lot of editing,ensure that you implement an appropriate tone that not only projects your voice,but also shows that you are an academically strong candidate.
I hope I was able to help you,do get a second opinion,though.
Please comment on my essay! And I would love to read your revised version!
