This is for my common app essay. Please comment and critique! Thank you!
Prompt: Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.
Sometimes we come across a strong, influential person who leaves a powerful impact on our lives. Luckily for me, I came across such a person from the very beginning of the journey of my life. My mother, who taught me to walk my first steps, who danced and sang with my crazily, and who has always been there for me as my support whenever needed, is my role model and has made an unforgettable impact on my life.
Although coming from a background of financial hardships, my mother grew up always carrying a smile on her face and looking at the positives in life instead of fretting the negatives. My mother grew up in the slums of India, growing up in only a small one-room apartment, patched up with cheap mortar for the walls and rusted iron sheets for the rooftop. The only one out of all her siblings to attend college, my mother achieved something unheard of at the time: an Honors Bachelor's Degree in Accounting. In that time, women hardly even attended school, let alone attain a college degree. However, my mother achieved this spectacular feat only by her perseverance and positive outlook in life. She studied countless hours by a small street light outside her home, helped her take care of her younger siblings, and even worked at the family shoe store that my grandparents owned. She soon helped her family out of poverty, and soon bought them a nice comfortable house for residence.
Her perseverance gives me inspiration to work hard and get the most out of my life. It gives me a goal to make her proud of her daughter, the same way her daughter is proud of her. Although my mother's life story is inspirational and has influenced me, it is not the only way my mother has affected me. Always been the one pillar on whom I have leaned for guidance and support, she has always encouraged me to be best that I can be. Even through the troubled and awkward first years to the United States, she was the person who I looked to as a role model for she took every obstacle thrown at her with determination and patience.
Being new to the country of United States at the tender age of eight, I shied away from my peers and mostly kept to myself. I found myself entering the most vicious school year: fourth grade, where elementary kids made fun of my thick accent and my other foreign ways. Later, I soon realized that my classroom was full of kids who not only lived in the same neighborhood, but had also known each other since they were toddlers. As a result, I struggled to learn the new ways things worked in this country and had trouble fitting into the social groups at my school. It was then, that whenever I felt down and dejected from being the outsider, my mother gave me solace and strength. She helped me open up, and during the mornings when she combed my hair up into a tight ponytail, she gave me the one advice that has shaped my life. She advised me to work with the other students in the classroom and to use my differences as a strongpoint to bring something new to the table instead of making it a barrier to entry. She told me to be the first one to extend the hand of friendship and to be patient, kind, and helpful. It was then, that I started befriending my classmates and started enjoying the life America had to offer.
Her advice, teachings, and determined character have stayed with me throughout my life. It is because of her that I now possess the calm, friendly personality that everyone associates me with; it is because of her that I have the determination to gain the most out of my education, and it is because of her that I am hopeful to achieve my future goals. She has positively affected me in many different ways, and I am glad to have a mother such as her. She has not only been my mother and helped me stay on the right path, but she has also been the best friend I have always counted upon. When I go to college, I am sure to miss her, but her teachings will always remain with me and give me strength from afar.
The essay itself is great and well-written. The story and background are touching as well. However, the prompt you chose, and the topic you chose to write about put you at a disadvantage.
If you think about it, everyone who chooses this prompt will most likely write about a hero, be it their mom, dad, teacher, whomever. This inevitable fact lumps your great essay with the other typical "my mom is a great influence on me" or "my dad is great a influence on me" type of essays. If you are applying to selective colleges, I think it would be in your best interests to not be commonplace but to be unique and different.
An example of an essay/topic that would surprise and catch the adcom's attention would be:
Having a model/influential person who isn't "perfect" and somehow teaches you, reminds you, disillusions you.
I don't know...something like that?
I love the way you write about your Mom with full of affection.
She advised me to work with the other students in the classroom and to use my differences as a strong point to bring something new to the table instead of making it a barrier to entry.
I am just curious about how an eight year old kid knew how to use her differences as a strong point? Maybe an example here can make it clearer?
Btw, could you please help to look at my essay as well? I wish i had the same fluency as yours.
