topic:Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.
Many people are influenced by heroes, idols or the scholars, nevertheless I'm not affected most by these kinds of persons but rather by my mother; the reasons of why my mother is the one who influences me most are her perseverance and sense of responsibility.
The perseverance that she exhibits teaches me never to give up. My parents divorced when I was 3 years old. At that time, she worked in the government with low wage, and could not afford our daily expense after gaining my custody. And then she, under the pressure of life, decided to join the foreign enterprise, Nortel Corporation (China), to get the higher wage in order to afford the payout. During the 1990s in China, joining a foreign corporation was risky because China's market just started open up and nobody knew what lied ahead. Although being very stressful because of these drastic changes, my mother remained the optimistic attitude toward life and kept working hard. Unfortunately, the financial crisis happened in 1997 and the corporation curtailed my mother's salary. Having no choice, she quit the work and started for Siemens to pay for my education. However, as she gained more from her job, she also had to be more dedicated. Not until 2003 when she transferred to Notifier, a Honeywell company, she achieved a working condition and paid considerable wage that she really wanted. She became the sales leader of central China of Notifer since then. Her perseverance wins the job she prefers and also teaches me how essential perseverance is. In my 11 grades, the student government of our school planed to hire the new staffs, and many students, including me, applied the jobs; after the first round of selection, only 20 students were selected, and still two jobs were vacant, I and another 25 students have the opportunity to obtain the job. Because of the low possibility of being selected, about half of the 25 students discard the candidates' status. Only the other 12 students and I remained pursing the vacancy. Another 10 days were given to us to prepare second round selection, and preparing the lecture and essay were what we, the 13 candidates, had to do. Despite the difficulty of the questions, I keep working on it hardily (I had just slept 50 hours in that ten days to be well prepared). Finally, I had been decided as the school news paper editor of the student government. This was a powerful proof that how the perseverance my mother exhibited influenced me, and I'm very grateful for that.
By having a sense of responsibility, my mother fulfilled her task, duty or obligation. As a Sales Leader, my mother incarnates that clearly. In the Spring Festival, the traditional new year of Chinese people, of 2004, a mechanical malfunction seriously interfered the people's government of Wuhan's work, which adopted the facility of Notifier earlier; at this time, our family was having the annual reunion party, and my mother received the message which notified her the warning of the facility; she immediately talked to the local engineer, and went to the site of incident instantly. Until the problem was solved, she spent 3 days working nonstop and just had 10 hours of sleep. Although the pressure of career and life for her is a great lot, she never neglects the family education for me. Every Sunday was the time belongs to my mother and me, and in this time, she teaches me never ever to give up when we play the video games, and to smile to others when we have community activities together. The sense of responsibility makes her work well and keeps a good relationship between her and me. I learned that if I want to succeed in both career and family, responsibility is indispensable. The spring semester in 2008, I was chosen as the monitor of my class, and soon I receive a task, organizing the athletes of our class to prepare for the upcoming sport meeting, from my counselor. The work seems easy; actually, it doesn't, because the athletes have their own study and activity plan, and how to arrange the time reasonably becomes the biggest problem. Communicating with their teachers to re-arrange the course is what I have done first; then I discuss with the athletes about their own time planning. Though every single advice makes me hard to deal with it, I, finally, persuade them to harmonize the time successfully. And I spent at least 2 weeks' leisure time to deal with this case, which becomes a strong testimony for me to gaining the prize of the outstanding student. In one word, the sense of responsibility helps me to succeed and to be happy because of a sense of accomplishment. And the sense of responsibility was taught by my mother.
In fact, my mother's influences on me are not only these two factors, perseverance and a sense of responsibility, but also mercy, rationality and so on. I have learned to truly value them by watching my mother while I grew up. Those characters make her successful and make me outstanding. And she was always by my side.
Well, contractions are not always acceptable in formal writing. That might be what Janelle meant. Instead of writing I'm, you can write I am.
Similarly, it is nicer if you write twelve instead of 12, twenty-five instead of 25.
I think you can improve the essay by eliminating 3-5 sentences or phrases that are not necessary. With fewer details, this can focus more on your main theme. Add a sentence to the end of that first paragraph in order to establish the main idea for the whole essay.
I know everyone says this about every essay, but what about you? really now, i know a lot about your mother, it's a great personal statement that she can use, but you dedicate about 1/5 of your essay to yourself. try picking one specific event somewhere to tie it in to yourself better, then you can shorten up the word count too, it seems a little lengthy.
