Hi
I need help trying to improve my essay.
Prompt:
Describe the world you come from ï for example, your family, community or school ï and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations
There are many people who shape the lives of others like a sculptor does with clay. The sculptor uses his fingers to mold and shape the clay into a work of art. In many ways people are like art, all extraordinary and singular and viewed in different sorts of ways. We are shaped by experience and the world around us. But we are mostly shaped by the people we live with, our family.
My family is relatively a small one consisting of my mother, my father and my sister. My mother is the strongest one of all. She is very independent, friendly and vivacious. She would always talk to people who she did not know and would make friends easily. She was always determined to get what my sister and I wanted no matter what the cost. If it was something we truly wanted, my mother would find a way to make it ours. She has always been selfless, caring more about my sister and me than she did about herself. She never cared when people stared at her and always told me not to care either. Sometimes she would act like my friend, it was in those times I forgot she was mother. My mother loves Europe and would travel the world if she had money. I learned many things from my mother, some of which she did not teach me. I learned to stand up for myself even when its hard to, to think of others first, to think before speaking, to always plan things for yourself because no one is going to do it for you, to be self disciplined because my mother would not always be there to guide me and to work for what you want because it is hard to be happy with a job you do not like.
Another member of my family but an important one is my father. My father is very quiet and very much like a bee occupied in work. My father has always mystified in a way that I would rarely speak with him. My father had once had an artistic talent at least according to him. My parents thought I had an artistic talent, a talent which I use rarely except when inspired. My father is also very intelligent; math had always been his forte much like it is mine. My father liked to read my mother does too but it was mostly my father who I saw as a reader. Sometimes we would even read the same books but those times were a rare exception. My father cared less for what he wore, something my mother always criticized him for. My father wanted to be a lawyer but never could be one and like many father he tried to pass on the dream to me. He was always accepting of my decisions like my decision not to pursue law. In many ways I am like my father and I have learned much from him. I have learned not to care what others think about me something that has paid off in my drama class, to work hard for those you care about and to not be afraid to dream big.
Probably one of the most important people in my life is my sister. My sister is much like me but there are those key differences. She is more like my mother like I am more like my father. She cares to look presentable and is not afraid to declare what she dislikes. She was always more friendly than I was and more creative. She could think up of millions of ideas and names in a day. She is not afraid to say what she thinks. She is more blunt and honest than she knows. She is more resentful while I was more forgiving. We were not completely inseparable but very familiar. She knew me better than anyone else much like I knew her. She was someone I could confide in knowing my secrets were safe. She was dependable and I always felt awful whenever I let her down. I learned to be a better person from her, to support those who care for you, to follow your dreams no matter how big they are and to be the person that you no matter what others say about you.
I have learned much from my family. Without them I would not be the person I am today. Without them to help me I would not have the courage to be myself and to follow my dreams no matter how impossible they seem.
Greetings!
You're essay is shaping up very well! I have just a few editing suggestions for you.
She never cared when people stared at her and always told me not to care either. - This makes me wonder why people would stare at her. If you don't want your reader wondering "is there something wrong with her?" you might want to rephrase this a bit.
I learned to stand up for myself even when it is hard to, to think of others first, to think before speaking, to always plan things for yourself because no one is going to do it for you, to be self disciplined because my mother would not always be there to guide me, and to work for what you want because it is hard to be happy with a job you do not like. - It's a little confusing when you switch back and forth between first person ("I...my mother...") and second person ("you...what you want"). It's best to pick a tense and stick with it.
My father likes to read; my mother does, too, but it was mostly my father who I saw as a reader.
My father wanted to be a lawyer but never could be one, and like many fathers, he tried to pass on the dream to me. He was always accepting of my decisions, like my decision not to pursue law.
I have learned not to care what others think about me, something that has paid off in my drama class, and to work hard for those you care about and not be afraid to dream big.
to follow your dreams no matter how big they are and to be the person that you are, no matter what others say about you.
Best of luck in your studies!
Thanks,
Sarah, EssayForum.com
