pothepanda3 3 / 5 Dec 16, 2011 #1The Islamic month of Ramadan is the holy month where people observe the pious activity of fasting. The month upholds values of patience, spirituality and humility. Keeping up with the general atmosphere of the month, I along with some friends organized an 'iftaari' at an orphanage.Laying down food on paper plates, the looks in the eyes of those orphans was something I couldn't turn away from. They spoke stories of despair, injustice and misery. In contrast to their stained shalwar kameez provided by the orphanage, I felt embarrassed to be in my jeans and t-shirt. But even more so, I felt a responsibility - an urge to help those in need, an obligation to give back to the community I come from.After the iftaari was over, a young boy almost my age came to me and hugged me, saying, "Thank you, brother." But it was something in his eyes that today drives to more and more community work - it was hope.How do you think it is? I'm looking more towards a critique of the idea and concept rather than the way it is written, though all critique is welcome.
namato 7 / 16 Dec 16, 2011 #2Hey there pothepanda3,I'm going to go ahead and guess that this essay is for the common app short answer right? I think it is very good in terms of content: just a few minor changes. Firstly, I dont know what and iftaari is: you may have to explain it and also, I dont quite understand why you were embarrassed in your jeans and tshirt; perhaps its the way you have structured the sentence so again, you may need to clarify this. Secondly, I feel that your first sentence is not captivating enough: a suggestion would be to start with something like."The looks in the eyes of the orphans was something I could not turn away from'" -----> I took this from another part of your essay.Other than that, this is good stuff!!:):)Good luck to you!!
