Please give some suggestions and advices for my essay. It is a bit long(769 words). Please help me decide which part can be shortened.
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Prompt: Describe the world you come from, for example your family, clubs, school, community, city, or town. How has that world shaped your dreams and aspirations? ----500 words or fewer
"Yeeeeeah!"
They missed it. Ecstasy wiped out the tension on my teammates' faces. They jumped to their feet, hugged together, celebrating the dramatic triumph. We finally won the game, after a rare twelve-round-long suffocating penalty shoot-out. By losing 2 kicks in the sudden death rounds, we were still heading to the quarterfinal.
Six hours after this unpredictable victory, we gained a more unpredictable defeat. By holding a 1-0 lead in the first half, we lost by the score of 2-5 in full time.
Every single soccer match is an unpredictable story. Statistics cannot determine everything in soccer. Only possibility can be calculated depend on the fact. This is why soccer is my favorite----I am living in an unpredictable world.
Since my 7th grade, I had been dedicated every summer to this soccer championship. The happiness of winning and the sadness of losing consist of my summer. The perspiration, tanned skin, and broken cleats are my indispensable elements from June to August. Although I always quarreled about the arrangement that the championship is held in the hottest time of the hottest days in a year, sometimes thirty-eight degree Celsius in the game time, but such annoyance never prevent me from running on the field. I can understand what is self-learning, audacity, and friendship, unpredictably.
Soccer to me is a unpredictable process of self-learning. As my former coach told me, "You haven't been professional trained, but your soccer skills are pretty good." Soccer did not enter my vocabulary until my seventh grade. With the obsession and fascination with soccer among my middle school classmates, I joined them and stayed on the soccer field whenever I have free time. I even did not know how to dribble the ball at that time. Some of them were well trained in their childhood. TianYu, a graceful forward, could dribble past me with no effort, regardless of my defense, Wei, a diligent defender, could tackle the ball on my feet with no wrong judgment on my dribble trick. I cannot beat them by my poor skills. Looking at their elegance on the field and perfect control of the ball, I determined to improve my skills on the field whenever I had chance. I would take care of every movement on my feet when I touched the ball: The twist of my ankle when I receive a pass, the outside surface of instep I used to dribble the ball (making the ball moving as closely to me as possible), the draw back of my chest when I stop a high crossing ball. Gradually, I found my control force to the ball became stronger and stronger. Suddenly when I realized, the ball was like a soldier under my command. I was selected on high school team, and I was able to spark the game to life with my teammates, with my pretty good soccer skills. It is unpredictable that one day I could catch up with and exceed some of the professional trained players. But I made it possible.
This summer's soccer experience awakened me not only my soccer skill, but also my audacity. Others' opinions cannot guide us one hundred percent correctly. This summer I decided to leave my school team and organized my own soccer team to participate the championship. I chose to stand out to be a captain, and more important, a coach. Although many extra works fell on my head, I was happy that I shared my soccer knowledge with my teammates. When I saw our team live up to my thoughts on the field, I felt amazed that this is my soccer, my understanding. Unfortunately, we lost in quarterfinal, but we had the most ball possession among all the teams. No one in the championship can predict that a non-school-official team consists of no super stars could go so far.
It is not worthwhile to play on a vast rectangle area unless I am not running alone. I could never imagine that the team I organized this summer, composed of my friends and my friend's friends, had 5 guys come from the same elementary school as mine. It is an unpredictable reunion. We had wonderful teamwork on and off the field. We cannot lack every single person on a team because everyone contributes to a team by his unique kind. I would rather laugh with my teammates, even cry with them when I face the defeat.
The unpredictable world of soccer I come from is a circuitous story, happy or sad ending can both happen. What I can do is to improve the possibility of victory by the effort of myself.
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Please help me, Thank you.
Ecstasy replaced the tension that had been on my teammates' faces.
Actually, I guess if you have to shorten it, this whole first part needs to be cut:
"Yeeeeeah!"
They missed it. Ecstasy wiped ... all the way to, ... unpredictable world.
This is good material, but it is not necessary for the essay. The rest of the essay is a good, solid expression of a single theme, but this first part could be removed. It is good material, though, so use it in a future essay!
:)
Kevin
