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Minority Hill Tribe is One of My Homes/ CALVIN COLLEGE; Christian learning environment


qasderwdw 9 / 36 1  
Dec 31, 2012   #1
This is URGENT :)
Please check grammar and overall clarity. Thank you SO much!

Please submit a written response to the question below. Your response will be used in scholarship and diversity award selection.
Calvin College seeks students who will thrive in the academic, spiritual and community life at Calvin. With this in mind, how do you see yourself contributing to the Christian learning environment at Calvin? (max 5000 characters)


Four countries, nine schools, and ten "homes". These words can be used to summarize my life as a missionary kid. I have seen, felt, and experienced the world around me through an unusual and adventurous journey. Through the journey, I learned that there was something called cultural differences. I learned that I couldn't fit people into my own mold of values and beliefs. It was only when I realized this that I could open my heart to accept other places as a part of me- my home.

My longest residence was in China. Living in China, I had the opportunity to follow my parents on mission trips to villages of the Akha, a hill tribe minority group of Yunnan Province. I was shocked that the Akha people lived in crudely built bamboo huts and that they could live without basic necessities of my life, such as hot water and the internet. But when I saw the content and peaceful faces of the village people, I realized that those "necessities" were not necessary to them.

To build relationships with the Akha, our family and other missionaries helped the villagers plant rice fields, renovate old houses, and build bathrooms with proper water systems. Although my work was limited to carrying a few bamboos and planting some rice plants, I felt a sense of pleasure in participating in something that would bring joy to others. I will not forget the time an elderly woman held my hand and flashed a wide smile that revealed her uneven, black teeth. My heart swelled with joy from that smile, which seemed to indicate her gratitude for our help. It was through such touching experiences that melted and opened my heart to this initially foreign land of strangers.

Besides China, I also call Korea, New Zealand, and Thailand my homes. They all took a part of who I am now, and each country and the memories I had remain warm in my heart. It is my fervent desire to share my varied and touching experiences with my future colleagues of Calvin College. I also want to inspire students to go out and start their own exciting journey. I want them to experience the joy of learning about other cultures and serving various people. Maybe through my stories, Calvin students will also make those foreign places a part of them- their home.

 
Jennyflower81 - / 690 96  
Dec 31, 2012   #2
I found a couple of things that you might want to change. I can't really find any errors. Your essay has great content and I like the topic. One thing that concerns me is that this essay does not seem to properly answer the prompt question. I think the college would like to hear how you will use your unique knowledge to contribute to class and campus activities.

While living in China, I had the opportunity to follow my parents on mission trips to villages of the Akha, a hill tribe minority group of Yunnan Province.

It was through such touching experiences that melted and opened my heart to this initially foreign land of strangers.

You could also say it like this: "Touching experiences like this melted my heart and opened my eyes to this initially foreign land of strangers."
OP qasderwdw 9 / 36 1  
Dec 31, 2012   #3
I agree with that. Thanks alot.
Anyone Else? I will look over YOURS if you look at MINE:)
linting2012 10 / 78 18  
Dec 31, 2012   #4
Hi Q
Thanks for checking my essay. I am not sure, but I somehow read the story about old woman with uneven tooth somewhere in this forum too. Maybe it is one of your post that I read through, but just be careful. However I think this is a very touching essay. Maybe, but just maybe, you could mention that your cultural diversity and open mindness can help the story to accept other culture?

Good Luck
OP qasderwdw 9 / 36 1  
Dec 31, 2012   #5
HAHAHA I did write that other essay, so don't worry :)
that was the one you helped me with. thanks
Thanks for remembering!
I kind of added parts of my other essay into this one.

Thanks for your feedback!
OP qasderwdw 9 / 36 1  
Dec 31, 2012   #6
Maybe, but just maybe, you could mention that your cultural diversity and open mindness can help the story to accept other culture?

Linting! Do you mean I should talk about how my cultural diversity helped me (not the story lol) accept other cultures?
Thats a good point :) Thanks a lot

Hey Jennyflower81 (wish this website could let me tag people)!
Maybe I can combine you two's ideas and talk more about how I can use my "unique knowledge to contribute to class and campus activities" by saying I will help others at college to accept other cultures as well...?
linting2012 10 / 78 18  
Dec 31, 2012   #7
No. I meant that maybe you can say that your cultural diversity can help other students to open themselves to different perspectives.


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