Unanswered [6] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Undergraduate   % width Posts: 6


Man Ponders Himself - Transfer admission Essay


hey_millie 2 / 5  
Feb 24, 2010   #1
I'm applying to University for transfer admissions and am at a complete HALT! This is just a rough draft of what I have so far but would appreciate some feedback for direction in where I should go. I am aware there is some grammar I need to go over but anything is appreciated.

Man Ponders Himself



When I think about the future and what I want to achieve, there is one illustration that comes to mind. Produced from the works of 16th Century anatomist and physician, Andreas Vesalius, simply entitled "Man Ponders Himself." It depicts a skeletal human figure, standing by a podium with one hand over a skull and the other under his chin, as if in a contemplative pose. I assume this figure and I would share a common curiosity. It's a curiosity and a passion for knowledge, what makes us tick or think what we think; the mysteries that have boggled humans for centuries. I have always been fascinated by the arts and sciences and found my calling when I started studying the field that fuses these two subjects: neuroscience.

I have led somewhat of a different life to many of my peers. At the age of five I was diagnosed with a malignant tumor, specifically, a muscular tumor. My mother was given a prospected outlook on my condition. They told her my chances were eighty-twenty, with twenty percent being life and the chance of survival. Being the curious natured kid that I was, I wanted to know exactly what was going on. This is where my interest in the medical field began. What medicine, device, procedure did what and how. I was constantly asking questions and even began to be fascinated with my own condition and healing as it was taking place. You could say I took my twenty percent chance and ran with it. After two years of treatment, after-effects, and fifteen years in remission, I am still the same girl who got a second chance. This time, however, I make my own chances.

After almost losing my own life, it became clear to me that life was, in itself, an amazing, intriguing manifestation. I felt compelled to inspire others to know their body, mind, and to participate in their own healing. This is what led me one day to a young girl named Izzy. On a regular visit to a relative in a nursing home, I became restless with sitting and started walking around the hallways of the home. Passing by the rooms I could see the elderly laying in their beds or participating in activities. I was taken back when I passed a room and saw a young woman who appeared to be in her early twenties. I could have kept walking but something drew me to this unusual situation. What was this girl doing here? I looked at her; she looked back at me with dire eyes. If it was not for her warm, inviting smile I would not have bothered her but she did look like she needed some company. I introduced myself and explained my visit but received no verbal response. I put out my hand to shake hers but her hand never came my way. She smiled and nodded as best she could at our responses but could not move nor talk. Just then old Mary from across the hall came in. She too was a resident of the home but seemed to know the young girls story. At four strokes before the age of twenty-four, Izzy was left in a paraplegic state. Her mind seemed to be all there. She could understand and respond. We'd ask her questions with responses such as "one blink for yes, two blinks for no."

It was hard not be drawn back to Izzy and visits with her continued after that day. With no knowledge of physical therapy, my mother and I took it upon ourselves to learn what we could do to help Izzy in her present condition. We'd bring a magnetic board with letters and began to get detailed responses like "Tell my mother I love her." We also found out that she wanted to get better and have a family one day. She loved children and even responded to us one day that she wanted to have "10" children of her own. After researching the benefits of physical therapy and applying reflexology techniques, it was obvious that certain points of pressure could activate or affect another point in the body. After one intense therapy session, Izzy even kicked her legs up and knocked all the books down that were upon the table she was near. She began to talk one word at a time. Though it was not much, it was something. Her family, therapists and caretakers had shoved her aside and threw her into the "too hard" basket. Though I was only twelve years old, it bothered me that what seemed to be an easy fix was so complicated. Her mind was all there, but her body was disconnected from it. Though the struggle to understand was hard, it was clear to see that points on the body connected to the nervous system and, with certain applications, triggered connections to her mind.

Several years later, after moving halfway across the world, I received a letter from Izzy's mother. Izzy had passed away. Never having the opportunity to experience life the way so many people take for granted. Though, I would like to think that Izzy left a legacy, through me. If it were not for her, the seed of my curiosity in the mind, brain and nervous system, would have not been created inside of me.

I currently work a full-time job at a Bank, where I have been, for a cumulative four years. I am very good at my job and have a prospective future if I stay. Yes, money pays, but it doesn't fill my void. My dreams and aspirations are far different than what is taught at my job, and though I stand at the teller window and deliberate on issues of commerce throughout each day, I'd rather be in a laboratory with specimens in front of me, on the path to discovery, that being the neurobiology of our own bodies. I am truly excited about the new science of our nervous system and our brain, the most important aspect of our body which connects our thoughts and intentions to our actions. As a student of neurobiology at The University of Texas, I plan to acquire the skills and knowledge necessary to one day equip me to take on my own research and continue to teach and inspire others.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Feb 25, 2010   #2
This is a good way to confuse the heck out of a reader:
One picture comes to my mind when I think of the point of life I am at and the first half of my collegiate years, from the... you just scrambled my brain. To simplify, keep the part about a picture coming to mind:

One picture comes to my mind when I think of ___________. the point of life I am at and the first half of my collegiate years, from the (replace all this with a term that consists of a few words. For example, One picture comes to my mind when I think of my important moments of inspiration. "Man Ponders Himself" is a sculpture by 16th Century anatomist and physician Andreas Vesalius, and it depicts a ...

Here is a god place to use a colon----- > I have always been fascinated by the arts and sciences and found my calling when I started studying the field that fuses these two subjects: neuroscience.

Tiresome is the way you are supposed to describe the sitting around. sitting around grew tiresome. You and your brother became restless.

You have a very engaging way of writing, I like it! Always go back and revise to see how you can say the same things in fewer words or if you can make the writing more efficient in some way.

:-)
OP hey_millie 2 / 5  
Feb 25, 2010   #3
ahh, yes yes I see it now. It is a bit rambling but that was the only way I could get it out! lol. I appreciate the feedback and I am going to apply it to my draft...

Thanks a bunch!!
linmark 2 / 328 7  
Feb 28, 2010   #4
I would shorten the Izzy third paragraph (which pretty much dominates your essay) and work on developing your last paragraph or close. Why does a good paying job with a promising future not fill your void? What motivates you (other than curiosity) to study neurobiology? Corrections in RED:

Yes, money pays, but it doesn't feelFILL my void. My dreams and aspirations are far different than what is taught here and though I stand at the teller window and debilitateDELIBERATE on issues of commerce all day,
linmark 2 / 328 7  
Mar 2, 2010   #5
Much better! I appreciate how you worked to improve it. But I am left skeptical at the end for some reason. I think it's because of the platitudes in the last 2 sentences. It contrasts with the sincerity of the earlier stuff.

After researching the benefits of physical therapy and applying reflexology techniques, it was obvious that certain points of pressure could activate or affect another point in the body.

This sentence comes out of nowhere. Who researched? You? At the age of 12?
OP hey_millie 2 / 5  
Mar 2, 2010   #6
yes. I guess you would have to see it for yourself to understand what I'm saying. You apply and it triggers something, somewhere else.


Home / Undergraduate / Man Ponders Himself - Transfer admission Essay
Writing
Editing Help?
Fill in one of the forms below to get professional help with your assignments:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳