My essay for UF admissions, I've revised it for hours and hours, still too over 100 words long, any advice or help is appreciated. Especially need a somewhat specific aim for revising.
Did Answer the prompt?
Is everything relevant?
What's the worse part?
What do I need to elaborate?
What do I need to cut out?
Answering any of these questions will help or any you can think of would be great, and if you explain how I can change it would be even better. Thank in advance.
Prompt: "Please submit a 400-500 word essay...
In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service."
"Snap." One of my favorite sounds to hear, the sound my Minolta Maxxum STsi produces every time I decide what I'll capture onto film satisfies my intention. In a dark room where everywhere you look you see black and red, I work to refine and bring out the best of what I have recorded. I'll look at a table, take a deep breath, and smile as all my time and effort spent has peers and teacher approval and praise. And as I look at my work on the table, feelings of accomplishment and valor stir up, I radiate a natural glow.
...
I think your last sentence is irrelevant because it doesn't tie in so well with the sentence before it. But overall, this essay is great!
Thank you apa6177. You're right, I believe I forgot something in it.
So I've cleaned up my intro a bit, cleaned up the body and merged the two paragraphs into one, and changed the final sentence. I'd edit my first post, but it seems I don't really have that option.
Here's the body:
"My experience in my photo class has been a wonder memory so far, and has already a prodigious change on my perspective on life. I've learned when I look at a scene or an object, how I can effectively photograph it. "Would the picture have enough contrast? Is the lighting to strong or too soft? Is there a clutter of objects or too simple? Do I want them to that way?" These are the most common questions I ask myself when I'm ready to capture the scene. So, I've learned to work with what I have, good or bad to begin with, into a great print. The class has taught me how to meet deadlines, not only to work near the end just to meet it, but work consistently throughout the time period to get my best work in before the assignment is over. I've learned to interact and work smoothly with the others; being my photo teacher's "right hand man", some students will often ask for how to perform certain techniques or if a print looks great or needs improvement. Only being a photo 2 student when I feel uncertain about a print or a negative I'd ask someone, whether it's photo 2 or 3 student, who might have better expertise in the area I need help with, usually if the photo teacher is too busy to help me herself."
And final sentence:
"If I can change one person's life for the better with photography, than years of study, hard work, and mastering my skills would be more worthwhile than any amount of money or any status."
P.S. It's also 439 words now. :D
That is much better! Good job!
Thanks again, your words bring me joy on this hectic day of mine.
"My experience in my photo class has been a brilliant experience so far, and has already made a change in my perspective on life. I've learned how, when I look at a scene or an object, how I can effectively photograph it.
I think you should type the words instead of numbers, two instead of 2.
