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Main Common App Essay--An Experience that Impacted You


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Dec 28, 2009   #1
Okay so this is my main common app essay and is going to 6 different schools. The prompt is: Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.

Life experience
When I was a child, I eagerly anticipated my family's annual trip to visit my maternal grandparents in Argentina. Buenos Aires was a booming, beautiful city with manicured gardens, tree-lined streets, and a prosperous population. I do not need to look at old photo albums to remember and see myself hand in hand with my grandfather cheering on his favorite soccer team, Huracan, at their magnificent stadium. Then the next moment I would be visiting the beautiful zoo, walking down Avenida Libertador lined with impressive shops and restaurants, and making frequent trips to an ice cream shop called Freddo for big cones of dulce de leche ice cream. Most vividly I remember time spent with friends and family, and the infectious optimism and pride that I felt when I went down there.

As time passed, however, the trips were far less pleasant. The gardens were brown, the zoo run down and almost abandoned, and the soccer stadium full of violence by fans frustrated by unemployment and inability to provide for their families. The people were in upheaval. I would see some of my same friends that years ago use to stand in line with me at the ice cream shop, Freddo, now cleaning car windows at street stoplights for money just to eat. The lines of people, instead of outside luxurious restaurants and coffee shops, were now formed at the local churches waiting to receive their only meal of the day. Even the daily walks with my grandfather changed; we now walked to the local neighborhood church to help the priest prepare and serve food to the poor and homeless, victims of the crisis.

The optimism in Argentina that I had once known as a boy had transformed into violence and unrest. Images of people taking the streets with pots and pans, the smell of tire burning, and the sounds of women screaming as policemen on horses threatened them with fire hoses have forever engraved my memory. I had heard about the collapse of the Argentine economy, but actually witnessing firsthand the social displacement that it caused impacted me deeply. For me, the causes and effects of societal development were no longer theoretical exercises; they were now a part of my life experience.

Returning to Greensboro, North Carolina that year was bitter-sweet. I was returning to the feeling of safety and financial security in America, but at the same time, I could not ignore the feelings of guilt for leaving my family and friends behind in a country that was falling apart. It was those feelings that influenced me to start a fundraiser in my church and school for the impoverished people in Argentina at such a young age. With no experience or skills in fundraising, I managed to raise awareness and a small amount of money to send back to my church in Argentina to help fund some of the meals they were providing to the homeless.

Being in Argentina amid one of the worst economic crisis of its history has truly been a life-changing experience for me. The exposure to poverty, sadness, and insecurity in a former first world country has given me a deep appreciation for what I have, while at the same time has kept me grounded to the reality that life does not come with guarantees. This experience overall has given me a new perspective and has made me learn more about myself than any other experience I have had in my 17 years.

Honestly I think this is pretty good but the end is killing me. I wanted to write in my conclusion how this experience impacted me. Could someone come up with or help me with the conclusion. Thnks
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Dec 29, 2009   #2
I do not need to look at old photo albums to remember and see myself hand in hand with my grandfather cheering on his favorite soccer team, Huracan, at their magnificent stadium.

You have such an elegant writing style, very nice sentences.

Okay, this essay is beautifully written, and the only real problem I can identify is that you force the reader to follow you through the story, never knowing what the theme is going to be. Rather than keeping the meaning of the story as a surprise to reveal near the end, introduce it at the start and then surprise the reader with "something extra" at the end.

So, I think you should move this sentence to the beginning of paragraph 2:
Most vividly I remember time spent with...

So paragraph 2 will look like this:
Most vividly I remember time spent with friends and family, and the infectious optimism and pride that I felt when I went down there. As time passed, however, the trips were far less pleasant. The gardens

This will leave para #1 ending with this sentence:
...big cones of dulce de leche ice cream. ---> but right after this sentence, before ending para #1, I think you should give a thesis sentence that captures the meaning of the whole essay in a single sentence.

:-)


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