'In love with the sky' - Main essay. Influential experience in ur life

im trying so hard to get into university of washington. i know that essay is very important and im trying so hard to make my best shot. i would appreciate it if you leave a comment.

by the way this is not the completed essay, im almost half way through this. still i would like to know you ideas.
thank you so much for caring.

what is an experience in your life that helped to shape your character?

so this is the last draft. i tried to shorten it (651 words now) and relate my movement to listening skills somehow. i hope it works. thanks for ur comments, they really helped, couldnt have done this without you.:)

Since I was a child, I have always been in love with the sky. The world behind the blue has always been a mystery; something both unknown and admirable. I had so much thirst for something new and untouched; I always wanted to go beyond the world that I knew, leave earth, experience new things, risk and discover. Well, unfortunately, it took me 16 years to understand that I don't need to pass the atmosphere to do so, not necessarily. Actually, it is all here on earth. It has always been.

When I was born my parents named me Newsha -meaning "a good listener" in Persian- and 13 years later, in middle school, I realized there was a gift given to me wrapped in my name: "It seemed like I really was a good listener." Soon I found myself listening to people who didn't have anyone but me to listen to them, and helping them as much as I could. I heard about other sides of people; the side that was always hidden to others because of either shyness or shame. I found a great joy in helping each of them, feeling more happiness than they would as I saw them succeed.

I started to discover people instead of the world by looking into the corners of their minds. I saw the world through their eyes, helped them find what they needed and in the process of doing so, I myself found a whole new world inside each person, a world much greater than the earth and the skies.

But this was only the first part of this understanding, the second part came when I got involved in a real geographical movement. In November of 2007, I moved to United States with my family in order to seek a better life and better educational opportunities. I never opposed to this decision of my parents, though I knew it meant leaving all I have ever had behind: my friends, my school, my relatives and my homeland. But that part of me that always longed for new worlds didn't let the sadness of this departure stop me from doing it.

Moving and leaving everything behind is hard, but accepting your new life is even harder. It is like having a black hole right in the middle of your life, a black hole that sucks all your memories and beloved people into it, and at last it leaves you hollow "you have to stuff yourself again." You have to create yourself anew, and I was no exception; black holes never leave anything behind.

There I met ME "a girl who didn't know much about herself." I was used to see myself in the mirror of my friends, but now that they weren't with me I felt lost. However I saw this as an opportunity instead of a problem -an opportunity to take a look at my own self, to find out about the sides that I never showed, and they were never reflected, I started to listen to my voice this time. After a year now, I still don't know much about myself, I think I'm just at the very first steps of this learning. Each person is a vast world; it takes a lifetime to discover the truth of a person.

Now, I still love the sky. After all this time, sky is still gorgeous and mysterious, but I don't think I would want to leave earth anymore, not as long as there are still people out there, millions of them; people that I can love, people that I can help, and people that I can be friends with. I think it will be a shame if I never dare to go out, find them and hold their hands.

I would like to stay on earth with people and their unique worlds.
Galaxies and stars? They will always have time for me.

Your idea about the black hole is excellent, and it's touching. I am looking forward to see the entire essay:)

You might wanna delete the comma here:
The process of this understanding started one year ago, when I moved to USA with my family

Your essay needs some work and is quite short. I believe the recommended length is 500-650 words. You should add more details and walk the readers through the process of your experience. I think you should add more details on how this altered your life.

I also applies to UW and have similar background as you. Below is the link to my UW essay if you want to look at it. Good luck!

thank u so much. u cant believe how much i need to know other peoples ideas. thx again.

its not the completed essay as i said. right now i am adding some paragraphs and more detail. this is just a part of it. i dont have much time so i just put on as much as i have written. plz if u see any grammerical mistakes let me know. im no good at english.

Well, unfortunately, it took me 16 years to understand that I don't need to pass the atmosphere to do so, not necessarily; it is all here, on earth. It's always been.

The process of this understanding started one year ago, when I moved to USA with my family in order to seek a better life and better educational opportunities for me and my little sister.

Actually, that part of me that always longed for new worlds didn't let the sadness of departure stop me from doing it.

So, I started to look around, and I needed something worthy enough for stuffing myself again. The very first thing that I started to absorb was school. I was like a starving kid, and school was a rich food. In school, I could both spend time with people in my age, and I could also learn.

My UW essay on my character. I need ur help! PLZ!

so here is the latest draft of my essay on "an experience that demonstrates or helped to shape your character".
I truely need your help, i am not a native english speaker.
by the way, i dont know if the very last sentence is stated right. i meant that galaxies and stars can "wait". is it right?

REMOVED

plz let me know ur comments and critisisms. if u noticed any grammerical mistakes let me know.

thank you for caring and helping.
good luck to you all.

loved your intro about the sky. I hope this helps you a little:


it would be better written as "starting at the time I was in middle school and ending in high school"

Also, this is difficult to understand "the discovery shuttle was being thrown!"


"so i heard" would be better as "I saw"

"helping them to find"

thank you guys all. but i still need help. i think its not as good as it should be. i want to add a little bit more excitement and humor to it...

i still need your help on punctuation and grammer.
im truley thankfull for ur replies.
i would love to know ur ideas.

I REALLY NEED UR HELP ON THE GRAMMER AND PUNCTUATION. PLZ HELP!

Since I was a child, I have always been in love with the sky.

I always wanted to go beyond the world that I knew, to leave earth, to experience new things, to risk and to discover.

or:

I always wanted to go beyond the world that I knew, leave earth, to experience new things, to risk, and to discover.

Soon I found myself listening to and advising people

In November of 2007, I moved to the United States with my family in order to seek a better life and better educational opportunities for me and my little sister .

You have to create yourself anew, and I was no exception; black holes never leave anything behind.

Each person is a vast world; it takes a lifetime or more to discover the truth of a person.

I think it would be a shame if I never dared to go out, find them and hold their hands. I will stay on earth with my people and their worlds. Galaxies and space? They can take time.

I like your line about being in love with the sky!!!

sorry for sending so many different versions. i just dont feel comfortable with what i've written. it doesnt seem creative enough to me. i think if 2nd and 3rd paragraph should be changed somehow. anyways, any comments would be appreciated. :)

...The world behind the blues has always been a mystery.
... It has always been.
...starting in middle school and ending in high school.
...the side that was always hidden to others because of either shyness or shame.

I started to discover people instead of the world by looking into the corners of their minds, seeing world through their eyes, and helping them find what they needed. I also found a whole new world myself -inside each person; and, by helping them, I became a part of that world greater than earth and skies...

I never opposed to this decision of my parents.

They will always have time for me.

i think that the concept of the essay is great, its really thoughtful and shows your personality. maybe you can elaborate on some of the images that you think are more significant, or use figure of speeches to make it more persuasive? im not really sure cause i already think its great.

Okay, focus only on the experience of listening to others. the reason you are having trouble is that you are trying to write 2 essays at the same time! Your influential experience came fro being a good listener, just like your name means:

Since I was a child, I have always been in love with the sky. The world behind the blues was always a mystery; something both unknown and admirable. I had so much thirst for something new and untouched; I always wanted to go beyond the world that I knew, leave earth, experience new things, risk and discover. Well, unfortunately, it took me 16 years to understand that I don't need to pass the atmosphere to do so, not necessarily. Actually, it is all here on earth. It's always been.

The process of understanding this fact took about 4 years; starting at the time I was in middle school and ending in high school. But honestly, sometimes I think it has been started even before I was born: w

But i need to mention that i moved here. :(

my advice is thinnk of the MOST interesting think that happened in your life thus far. If not then use what you got and make it INTERESTING =) Another think spend extra time on your intro. it should be the most alluring paragrah

Good luck!

The problem with your initial draft is that your moving here has nothing to do, particularly, with your being a good listener. If you want to include that information, talk about how moving here helped you to become an even better listener, or about how being a good listener helped you adapt.

Yep, the idea is to be clear about what your focus is. You can talk about the move, for sure, but keep focused on that central theme.

thanks. really, thank you so much for ur advices. but how should I do it?

You have several options, but one approach would be to say that when you first came here, you found that being a good listener made it easy to make friends, that people always appreciate a sympathetic ear, regardless of their cultural background, etc.