Hi guys, this is my NYU supplement. Please be as critical as you can! All comments and suggestions are appreciated.
If you want me to help with yours just say so and I'll be glad to help!
TOPIC 3:What intrigues you? Tell us about one work of art, scientific achievement, piece of literature, method of communication, or place in the world (a film, book, performance, website, event, location, etc.), and explain its significance to you.
In the middle of a pristine neighborhood with polished fencing, pruned bushes and mowed lawns, lies an immaculately paved street. Smooth and freshly painted, it seems to go on forever, lined by perfect houses of cream and gold.
And walking along the sidewalk, I sensed that even the wind knew to be delicate, blowing a dainty breeze...
Such was the surrounding that as I leisurely followed the road, sometimes slowing to admire the sunset; it was at terrible contrast when I came to a sudden jerky stop. Terrible indeed, but I must deem it appropriate. Because in the middle of two beautiful houses, one cream based and the other gold, sat a tree. Smack center in the street.
With twisted roots waging war with the concrete, the plant drooped in exhaustion. It knew as a seed that it was going to be an uphill battle but still courageously broke through the coating. Some may deem it stupidly stubborn but its existence is proof to them all that an uphill battle wasn't a pointless battle. It looked into my eyes and said, "Have faith."
A dozen failed attempts to convince charities of the Cultural Interaction Community Project's maturity; I imagine the tree telling a story about its countless attempts to break through concrete and tried again. A failed biology test brings up a picture of its scarred body and I knew that one couldn't break me. Tree, your words have echoed through the years. One day I will visit and tell you that your faith is hope to the hopeless and strength to the repressed.
I really liked this essay, it was both creative and meaningful! Your language was descriptive and flowed really well! I just have two suggestions!
"And walking along the sidewalk, I sensed that even the wind knew to be delicate, blowing a dainty breeze..." I would eliminate the word "and" here. It makes it sound somewhat awkward, and the sentence flows more smoothly without it.
"Terrible indeed, but I must deem it appropriate. Because in the middle of two beautiful houses, one cream based and the other gold, sat a tree." Make this into once sentence so that it says "Terrible indeed, but I must deem it appropriate, because in the middle of two beautiful houses, one cream based and the other gold, sat a tree."
Honestly, though, a really well written and organized essay! Great job! :)
I think you should clarify, "and walking along the sidewalk" usually whatever "walking along the sidewalk" would come after that comma. So maybe have
As I walked along the sidewalk
So in between these two homes was a tree? How was the tree in the street? Were the houses on opposite ends of a street?
I guess that need to be clarified
4th paragraph, phenomenal
I'm not sure if the contractions are okay or not...
Try
One day I'll revisit.
This is AMAZING! I had to read this a few times to find a mistake. I just think you need to clear up some things so that the reader isn't confused. I haven't written mine, but this has influenced my topic, tone, and style
Best of luck to you!
Can you edit mine if you ever come across it?
This was really creative and you were really descriptive which managed to provoke imagery!
Maybe it is just me but I felt that you did not invest enough towards the end the last two paragraphs. I felt like your first three paragraphs sort of out shined or overshadowed the big question "what really intrigues you". (i will rephrase it if you request that of me n_n). In the first 3 paragraphs you have the flawless pavement, then you have the dainty breeze, then you have the sunset and how it was at contrast upon stopping. I feel like you can omit some of that.
But please do check with others, I am not really an artistic sort of person so i have a difficult time interpreting real beauty. So for all I know this piece was practically flawless but I lack the lens to see it. (I do not want to provide bad advice :'( )
may you please look over my cornell supplemental, much help is appreciated. C:
Such was the surrounding that as I leisurely followed the road, sometimes slowing to admire the sunset; it was at terrible contrast when I came to a sudden jerky stop. Terrible indeed, but I must deem it appropriate. Because in the middle of two beautiful houses, one cream based and the other gold, sat a tree. Smack center in the street.
get rid of "slowing to admire the sunset" as it is irrelevant with the passage. Also get rid of "terrible indeed, but I must deem it appropriate."
overall, very well written response. Can you please read mine???
