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Living with my disability, Computer Technician, Studying for GED - accomplishments



kbb83Threads: 1
Posts: 1
Author: Kenneth Bradley
   
Jan 24, 2011, 11:05am   #1
Please proofread my essay and rate it between 1-4. 4=Effective 3=Adequate 2=Marginal 1=Ineffective Thank you.

Prompt: Most people go through life one day at a time accomplishing things along the way. Some people accomplish great education or wealth; others accomplish skills at writing, music or nurturing. Sometimes, simple accomplishments mean more than great ones. Try to think of what your greatest accomplishments are in life.

Discussion Question: What are your greatest accomplishments?

Essay:

I have accomplished many things in my life. Three of my greatest accomplishments are living with my disability, becoming a certified Computer Technician and making the decision to study for my G.E.D. I'm proud of all three.
In 2005 I finally got my disability of Schizo-affective disorder under control. I was diagnosed in 2000 and I had been struggling with it for five years. In early 2005 my mother brought me to the hospital where I was treated and released. After that I saw my doctor regularly and took my medication regularly; I now feel like I'm on the right track.
In December 2010 I was certified as a computer technician. I grew up around computers and my father taught me a lot; I've been interested ever since. I studied an online course for three months and then passed two exams to become certified. I scored over 80% on both.
It took a long time but in January 2011 I finally decided to study for my G.E.D. I was a pretty good student in school when I applied myself but I had discipline problems and ended up being expelled in Grade 10. I've thought about going back to school or taking the G.E.D. many times but I always put it off. Recently, I relized that I have a low chance of getting any job without my G.E.D. so I made the decision to start studying for it.
I'm proud of all of my achievements in life. Three of my greatest achievements are living with my disability, becoming a certified Computer Technician, and making the decision to study for my G.E.D.



AnonymousseniorThreads: 18
Posts: 219
Author: Kelsey Brown
   
Jan 24, 2011, 05:55pm   #2
I rate this essay a 2. You appropriately addressed the prompt, but you also left a lot to be desired. You mention how you accomplished these three things but never explicitly state how you accomplished them.

For starters, I wouldn't advise starting your essay with I have accomplished many things in my life. - the prompt is asking for you accomplishments and this sentences does not add anything to the essay.

You could start out with: The year 2000 was one of the hardest years of my life, not only was I diagnosed with Schizo-affective disorder, but I also had to learn how to cope and live with my disability. For five years I battled with Schizo-affective disorder, however, in 2005, I reclaimed control of my life and got my life back on track. Now, years later, I realize that two of my greatest accomplishments stemmed from living with my disability, which helped catapult me to do more with my life.

In December 2010, after months of online courses and exams, I became certified as a computer technician. I have always been interested in computer and technology since my father introduced me to them as a child. As I grew older, my father taught me about the basics of computers, and as I grew older, my knowledge and passion for computer technology continued to grow. (talk more about how you became a computer technician)

Talk about why you chose to study for your G.E.D and maybe what you plan to do after you finish the program.

Do not repeat the sentence you said before as your last sentence. I understand that you were aiming for a powerful ending with the repetition to tie the entire essay together but in this case it does not come off effectively.

Just add more to the studying for you G.E.D. and also I wouldn't mention the part about being an ok student. I don't want to add more to the essay because I don't want you to lose your personal persona and voice in the essay. Good luck with your G.E.D.


EF_SusanThreads: -
Posts: 3,434
Author: Susan O'Neill, EssayForum.com
[Moderator] Likes 4  
Jan 30, 2011, 06:12pm   #3
I'd give it a 3, I guess. The grammar is skillfully handled, and you expressed your ideas in a clear way. But the intro sentence is boring, and the main point of the essay seems to be to share these three ideas.... a very effective essay would have a memorable concept that catches the reader's attention at the beginning.

Also, it is not really an "accomplishment" when you make the decision to study for the GED.

I think you can succinctly express these three ideas in a single sentence, and express them as only ONE thing: Coping with your disability well enough to become a comp technician. Now name 2 more great accomplishments, even small ones, and it will add a new dimension to the essay.

:-)




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