Change the "viewpoints" everywhere it is.
Being in a school where it's diversity has taught me
You should explain more the thing you have learned
I can now see why people view things a certain way.
What I would suggest is tell a experience with your friends... You are saying that you have learned about Islam, Judaism, Politics....
and many more... but that's the big picture you are talking about , you haven't told about any specific experience which I have seen in many guy's essays whose topic was same as yours..
So add another detailed story