Unanswered [1] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Undergraduate   % width Posts: 4


"My life story and experiences" FSU essay - Vires, Artes, Mores response essay


tommo108 1 / 1  
Oct 11, 2010   #1
Hey guys, I'm applying to FSU. Please reply as soon as possible because this is due on the 15th. I'm not exactly sure how well I answered their question and whether or not the content is good. Also, I don't know if I'm repeating sentences and how to end the essay. This was edited from an 800-word rough draft I made earlier. Please give me some constructive criticism. I'm still working on trying to shortening my essay to meet the 500 word limit but let me know if I'm on the right track. Please be honest and thank you.

PS: sorry if you're not supposed to repost threads. found something that i don't remember typing so i deleted the old one and posted a new one

The Latin words, "Vires, Artes, Mores" have been the guiding philosophy behind Florida State University. Vires signifies strength of all kinds - moral, physical, and intellectual; Artes alludes to the beauty of intellectual pursuits as exemplified in skill, craft, or art; and Mores refers to character, custom, or tradition. Describe how one or more of the values embodied in these concepts are reflected in your life.

Every person has different qualities and attributes and just like how every book has a different story, everyone has a different story behind their life. Some people are smart, others are athletic. For me I am not trying to say that I am overqualified for your school or I can make your school a hundred times better than it already is. I am applying to your school because I feel that we benefit mutually; I need your wisdom, and education and you need my services, expertise and experience. I may not be the most brightest student or the most stockiest player on any sports team but I have experiences, abilities, and quirks that make up for my lack of extreme intelligence and athletic ability. To me, there's no such thing as perfection. I'm always pushing myself to make improvements and hopefully learning from mistakes. Back in freshman year I was involved in so many activities that my grades fell like a brick. As a result, I focused on schoolwork so I can improve my grades. I follow the philosophy of "no pain, no gain" so my mistakes only fuel my fire of determination instead of make me mope in the corner. My physical strength, which includes basketball, running, and bike riding, is somewhat impressive despite being lower body strength. I have strong morals and dislike the remorse of doing something wrong like lying or sabotage a game. My fine arts experience is extensive, having played in my school's Marching and Concert Band, Full and Pit Orchestra, and an extracurricular rock band fund-raising for a breast cancer cure in freshman year, Guitar class for junior year, and Chorus class for senior year. I played flute, baritone saxophone, guitar, and bass, and can sing as well. I have performed in many concerts and football games and each experience has taught me the meaning of art and rhythm behind every note. These activities range from playing West Side Story songs with the flute at football games and pep rallies to playing baritone sax at a Guy and Dolls musical to playing a Beatles song at a guitar concert. Star Wars, High School Musical, Indiana Jones, Harry Potter, Avatar, done them all. To me, music is a vital part of my life. Listening to music occupies 80% of my time and I read music as if it were in English. Every note I play and sing is one I make in joy. I have had a musical career since 8th grade and almost every year I was involved in music and I enjoy every bit of it. The hybrid culture that I embody was created from growing up in a Chinese household in an American Society. This resulted in my fluency in English and Chinese. While the Chinese lifestyle emphasized family values, structure, and education, the American lifestyles involves creativity, flexibility and exuberance in spirit. I was taught to respect elders and work hard in school, while being able to associate and empathize with the average American, like sharing the same view on the world and wanting independence. My mom, brother, and late dad are important influences in my life and raised me to the person I am now so I respect them as role models and as family members. I consider your institution to be one of the best in Florida and I look forward to be accepted to your prestigious university.
newyorkergal54 1 / 2  
Oct 12, 2010   #2
I think you should expand on how your mom, dad , and brother influenced you.
"I consider your institution to be one of the best in Florida and I look forward to be accepted to your prestigious university."

maybe you can try rephrasing the last sentence, sounds like the tenses don't agree.
OP tommo108 1 / 1  
Oct 13, 2010   #3
thank you for your advice
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Oct 15, 2010   #4
Efficiency:
Every person has different qualities and attributes and just like how every book has a different story, and every person has a different story, too.

Some people are smart, others are athletic. let's get to the point.

For me I am not trying to say that I am overqualified for your school or I can make your school a hundred times better than it already is. ---I would hope you are not saying that! :-)

I may not be the most brightest student or the most stockiest player on any sports team but I have experiences, abilities, and quirks that make up for my lack of extreme intelligence and athletic ability.----- never say "most" before a word that ends in "est"

My physical strength, which includes basketball, running, and bike riding, is somewhat impressive despite being lower body strength --- this is not important enough to write!

Use paragraphs.

Hey, the thing is, they make you write all about these 3 virtues, and it makes you have to write in a RESPONSIVE way instead of in a CREATIVE way. I want you to choose one virtue and focus on it, and write an essay about ONE BIG IDEA. Do not include sentences about other ideas. Do not just try to cover everything you can think of... but instead express one powerful message or theme.

:-) good luck with this!!! At the end of the essay, it gets very good when you talk about music and culture... I hope you have enough time to revise and highlight those ideas, and take out the unhelpful details, like names of movies.


Home / Undergraduate / "My life story and experiences" FSU essay - Vires, Artes, Mores response essay
Writing
Editing Help?
Fill in one of the forms below to get professional help with your assignments:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳