Hi,
I would like to get some help revising my personal statement. I'd really appreciate it.
Thanks.
Instructions:Please provide a statement (250 words minimum) that addresses your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve.
During my time at ******** College I have undoubtedly learned important things that will help me through the path of personal and academic growth, but, despite this being a great institution, it does not offer everything I need in order to further develop my skills and be useful to society and the college itself. Life is short and my ambitions are many, therefore I make it an obligation to achieve all my goals and make myself helpful to the ones around me.
My main objective is to become a skilled interpreter who is able to translate to and from many different tongues including Japanese, Spanish and Italian. In doing so, I hope to facilitate communication between people of different backgrounds to eliminate inequalities and dissonances between them. I believe discrimination and hatred are caused by the lack of understanding between people, which is brought on mainly by the secular priesthood of every country. It is my personal hypothesis that if I were able to ease communication and facilitate conversation, I could slowly decrease the existing disharmony and help people understand each other better, which would decrease racism and hatred in the long run. I understand I am only one person and the world is big, but if Martin Luther King and Albert Einstein were able to change the world, so can I.
Because of my family's financial situation I was obligated to enroll at ******** College, and, although it gave me the best financial assistance at the time, it does not facilitate a way to realize my dreams. I have tried to make the best of my time here, but in this case perseverance will not lead to success. After exploring many possibilities, transferring into another institution is the only way I can develop my skills and turn them into something that will benefit me and the world as a whole.
Also, should I include my name at the top?
Thank you so much for your help.
You give no reason as to why you could not become an interpreter at the other school.
I believe discrimination and hatred are caused by the lack of understanding between people, which is brought on mainly by the secular priesthood of every country.This sentence does not belong in your essay, as it has nothing to do with what you want to convey, which is your reason for transferring.
In the last paragraph, you should at least mention something about the school you wish to transfer to and why they are better than your current school. What do they have to offer?
I think you start off well. I agree with Susan that there is no real differentiation between the school you are applying to and some other school. But that is something you can easily fix, good essay.
Thank you both very much.
Susan, this essay is for the common application and it will be going to 2 schools, so I can't be very specific.
What do you suggest I do to make it less broad and yet not too specific?
Thank you.
Thank you both very much.
Susan, this essay is for the common application and it will be going to 2 schools, so I can't be very specific.
What do you suggest I do to make it less broad and yet not too specific?
Would this be better?:
[after "dissonances between them."] "I believe that if I were able to ease communication and facilitate conversations, I could slowly decrease the existing disharmony in the world and help people understand each other better, which would decrease racism and hatred in the long run. I understand I am only one person and the world is big, but Martin Luther King Jr. and Albert Einstein made great changes in the world; and so can I.
My current institution does not offer foreign languages as a major, nor does it offer some of the languages I want to learn the most. In addition, it does not allow me to create a major with languages from different regions of the world, which is why I want to transfer. Because of my family's financial situation I was obligated to enroll at ******** College, and, although it gave me the best financial assistance at the time, it does not facilitate a way to realize my dreams. I have tried to make the best of my time here, but in this case perseverance will not lead to success. After exploring many possibilities, transferring into another institution is the only way I can develop my skills and turn them into something that will benefit me and the world as a whole."
It will be more poignant if you use names of people in your chosen field, instead of Einstein and M.L.K.jr. Aside from that, the essay is fine!
:)
EF_Susan
Thank you VERYYY VERY Much!!!
Loved the feedback!
