'Life in a different world' - Benefiting and Contributing:Rutgers

Prompt: Rutgers University is a vibrant community of people with a wide variety of backgrounds and experiences. How would you benefit from and contribute to such an environment? Consider variables such as your talents, travels, leadership activities, volunteer services, and cultural experiences.

I sat anxiously in the plane. Nervous, but excited for the new land that waited across the sea. What will customs be like? Where will we live? What about my friends back home, and about my new friends here? Is America really what everyone says it is like?

It all just raced through my mind at once as I sat on that 747, contemplating what was ahead in my future for me. Although these feelings might seem dramatic, for a five year old a change of environment coming from a country of snow and rural living, to the United States, a place talked about in the motherland as the land of opportunity and freedom, was quite daunting.

I was given the chance of a lifetime to live in a different world, and I wanted to make the best of it. That being said, in elementary school, I tried my best to keep up, but it was difficult acclimating to a new culture and way of life; even after living 11 years of my life in the United States, I have yet to fully acclimate to this culture. I then moved on to high school, and I decided that it was the time to really take advantage of what was offered to me. I am certain I will take advantage of anything offered to me at Rutgers University. Some of the many things that I took advantage during my teenage years define the person I am today: Future Business Leaders of America, Peer Group, Consumer Bowl, PicoCTF, and Swimming. But the greatest thing that was offered to me throughout my high school life, was the diversity of the people I met and their different cultural backgrounds.

With the chances and opportunities that were offered to me, I strive to give equal if not more of an opportunity to my peers, but more importantly to the upcoming generation. From my point of view the upcoming generation is very circumscribed in terms of what is provided to them, as well as their personal strive to reach higher. The current education system and society does not force a person to be diverse and look for more, when one's current life is sufficient, but that is the key to expanding one's knowledge to better the impending future of society. Which is why I joined Peer Group and became the communication officer for Future Business Leaders of America so I can change someone's life on a daily basis with the words of knowledge passed down to me by my mentors in hopes that they carry that knowledge to future generations. Likewise, I without a doubt shall do the same at Rutgers University, by sharing that same knowledge to my colleagues and giving back for the knowledge offered to me.

Rutgers University is indeed a vibrant community, and I would like to mesh into that wonderful community that is a melting pot of ideas, while sharing our different experiences to expand our knowledge as individuals and as a group. This co-existing of cultures and knowledge (I can only hope) will later change the world for the greater good.

*Written by Vladislav Sab**** of LHS, Any unauthorized use, such as distributing, copying, modifying, or reprinting, is not permitted.

I am not close to the maximum character limit (2,864/3,800), but I can't seem to add more without making my essay sloppy. I already feel as if it is sloppy. Feedback and advice on the essay is greatly appreciated especially grammatical advice :)

Hello Melonsv! I'll just try to tell my own thoughts. The prompt is asking you to write an essay closely related to Rutgers, but I don't actually see much about Rutgers in your essay. You addressed Rutgers in four paragraphs, but not anything special and specific about it. The last part is a bit too generic and empty. Secondly, you spent a lot of time talking about your experiences after moving to the US, but I haven't really obtained much useful information about you after reading this essay. I think your essay needs a lot of specifc details.

Therefore, I suggest that you drop all unnecessary sentences that don't really tell much about you, like the first two paragraphs for example. I see that you are an immigrant to the US who had some troubles getting used to the environment, and you should use specific examples to illustrate that, like what exactly is different between the new culture and your old culture. Also, address the specific "advantages", "chances" and "opportunities" that are offered to you instead of simply stating it. The word "diversity" isn't enough. You put your own thoughts into the second part of the essay, which is good but still not solid enough. The only things specific are the organizations that you have joined, and you can elaborate on any particular one to make it more personal and unique. As for relating it to Rutgers, you need to do more research and find specific characteristics or programs of Rutgers that really attracts you and will benefit you. BTW a useful trick to check that is to change the name "Rutgers" to any other college name and if the essay is still intelligible, oops. Finally, try to connect your personal experiences to the university by talking about what specific qualities of you make you (and not any one else) a good fit for the university.

And some minor changes:


From my point of view, the upcoming generation is very circumscribed in terms of what is provided to them,


The current education system and society do not force a person to be diverse and look for more, when one's current life is sufficient,

Since you still have roughly 1000 characters left, there is still plenty room for further elaborations. Just put in some concrete examples and details that are unique to you, and I'm sure it won't be sloppy. Maybe I'm being to critical, but I'm just trying to be as honest as I can. You must be a person with lots of interesting stories to tell, so please just go ahead and tell them in your voice. Best luck to you!