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My life as a lacrosse player, my frist college application essay, very rough draft


kcmonster 1 / 8  
Aug 24, 2010   #1
This is my first try at my college essay (the large one). 250 words minimum, and I chose the prompt that allows me to talk aout a choice in my life that has affected me greatly. Any help will be much appreciated!

I nearly threw up at my first lacrosse practice. I was in 8th grade and terrified of the high school girls that I would be playing with. When I walked onto the field the girls seemed like giants, they towered over me, huffing and puffing from running. They were almost bull-like. My stomach became even more nauseous when the coach put this foreign object called a crosse in my hands.

I was at the bottom of the list. I initially started playing the second half of the JV game, maybe a few seconds in the first. I worked hard at practice and at home, playing with my lacrosse stick and carrying it around. The more I played, the deeper I fell in love with the sport. As I gained more skills with my stick I started to gain more play time and the trust of the upperclassmen as well.

Once I became a freshman the academic difficulty was kicked up a notch. I discovered the difficult challenge of being a high school athlete and a high school academic. What with managing tests and quizzes and reports on top of practice, I started to feel buried under all the work. Over time, though, I began to balance my class work and my sport. I learned to plan my studying and homework time around my practices. I started to gain a sense of self-discipline. I was elated to see that studying a few days before my test because I had a game the night before was paying off as my grades began to improve. That reinforced what I was doing to prepare for school, so even during the off season, I started studying earlier from the test date.

In my sophomore year our only goalie was a senior, which meant that someone had to start training for the spot. I have always had very good hand-eye coordination and quick reflexes, so after some badgering from the senior goalie I decided to step up and become goalie. I spent most of practice inside the goal learning techniques, but when I learned the most was on the field. Being goalie was something I had never aspired to do, but the first time I stepped into the crease during a game I felt like I was in a new house, it was bare and blank; my job was to decorate and make it my home. I kept training during the summer of my sophomore year, working on improving my goalie skills. When the season of my junior year started, I felt much more confident in goal.

Just because I was more confident in goal my junior year, doesn't mean that I had everything under control. My emotions became a big challenge to control. Every time a shot was made, I took it personally. I would start to cry in goal, which would bring my team mates down. Then I would feel guilty and it would create an endless cycle. At that point I realized that being goalie wasn't just my position, it was my chance to lead.

I realized that as a goalie, I have a special view of the whole field. I can see the holes in the offense. Then I direct my teammates on how to defend. Even when the team is down, all it takes is a little bit of energy to influence the mood. This is where I am most affective, whether it is a pep talk at half time or by screeching "Good Job" across the field. That motivated me to keep my emotions in check and to encourage my team mates.

Through my four years of playing lacrosse I have learned a lot about myself. I am a hard worker, I enjoy ...

I am still working on this part, but any comments on the rest of my essay would be great!
titanswim 3 / 7  
Aug 24, 2010   #2
This is very impressive for your first try at a college essay. I didnt find any glaring grammatical errors. Most of the things I recommended include content and editing. You only have so many words to let the colleges get a feel for you, so I recommened you go through your essay again and anything you find that is redundant, unneccessary, or doesn't add to your essay just take out.

Also, after reading your essay I learned about kcmonster "The Lacrosse Player", I didn't get much of a feel for who you are, what you are about, or whats unique about you. I can tell that you were leading into that with your last paragraph which you have yet to finish. However, I would almost recommend cutting back on a lot of the first few paragraphs and inserting more about how lacross has created the person you are today and give more of an understanding of who you are off the lacrosse field.

Hope that helps!
OP kcmonster 1 / 8  
Aug 24, 2010   #3
Thank you very much!

Having spent over 12 hours with this essay, I start to miss the redundancy. But now that I read it over again, I see what you mean.

I agree that I need to cut back, but like I said, I have bonded with this thing. Could you tell me which paragraphs you would talke out? I would really appreciate it!
titanswim 3 / 7  
Aug 25, 2010   #4
The paragraph which begins, "Once I became a freshman the academic difficulty was kicked up a notch". doesn't add much to the essay. No offense, but most athletes have to juggle academics and sports.

You're description of being a goalie, however, is much more unique and stands out. I like how you discuss your role as a goalie and what it means to you. Now, I would add onto this by discussing how being a goalie has translated into your everyday life.

Hope that helps:)
OP kcmonster 1 / 8  
Aug 25, 2010   #5
Yes that does help!

My mom said I should add something about academics, but I had the same point you did.
ktsmith316 1 / 3  
Aug 25, 2010   #6
Very good, just a couple places that need commas like "In my sophomore year," and "Once I became a freshman,"
I agree with the posts above and only question the very first paragraph. The first sentence to be more specific. Yes, it is an attention grabber, but you could use more professional words like when you used "nauseous". "Threw up" doesn't sound appetizing and may scare the reader of what's to come in the rest of the essay. I'll throw out a couple sentences I didn't get below for you to consider revising.

"I spent most of practice inside the goal learning techniques, but when I learned the most was on the field."

"Just because I was more confident in goal my junior year, doesn't mean that I had everything under control."
I would avoid using slang terms in this paper because chances are the person reading it hasn't played. I wouldn't start the sentence off with just because. Consider switching the sentence up. For example " I was more confident in the goal my junior year, but still didn't have everything under control."

Hope I could help! Good Luck!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Aug 27, 2010   #7
I nearly threw up at my first lacrosse practice. --- this makes it too easy for the reader. Give the reader something to figure out.

I nearly threw up. I felt like I was a child among giants.

You can intrigue at the start by not giving all the info.

You have some great sentences in that first paragraph.

Okay, the problem is that you have no theme, no moral to the story. I am talking about the reader's perspective. End that first paragraph with a sentence that clearly tells the "moral of the story." Use a phrase that is catchy so that the reader will remember it. Do you know what I mean? The thesis statement at the end of the first para contains the essence of the essay, its message.

So... add a thesis statement.


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