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Life is all about changes and lessons - FSU admisson essay



brefranzenThreads: 1
Posts: 1
   
Nov 16, 2008, 03:51pm   #1
here is the topic and essay. It is a rough draft but I would love to see what you think.

For almost one hundred years, the Latin words, "Vires, Artes, Mores" have been the guiding philosophy behind Florida State University. Vires signifies strength of all kinds - moral, physical, and intellectual; Artes alludes to the beauty of intellectual pursuits as exemplified in skill, craft, or art; and Mores refers to character, custom, or tradition. Describe how one or more of the values embodied in these concepts are reflected in your life.


"Vires, Artes, Mores" are the guiding words behind Florida State University. In my case Vires, stands out amongst the rest of them. Vires meaning strength morally, physically, and intellectually is reflected in my life every day.


In middle school I was an innocent naive girl who didn't know what a DUI was or what pot was. Stepping into the high school world for the first time I was surrounded with things that I knew nothing about. I saw a lot of my friends fall into the pressure of underage drinking, using drugs, and having sex. Being a senior in high school and still being drug, sex, and alcoholic free is amazing to most adults and peers of mine. I am proud of being able to have the strength in saying no to something I don't believe in.

Being part of my colorguard team in high school I have to make sure I stay healthy. Most people look at what I do as being easy and useless. In my eyes I get to dance, perform in front of an audience, and have great friends. Last year in Winterguard I was faced with the challenge of learning how to use a sabre. Taking over for a girl who was not going to make it to championships, I had to have the physical strength to throw a quad on something I had never touched in my life. Practicing every day I was able to overcome the challenge and do well in championships. . I use this strength not only when faced with a challenge but with everything I do.


My mother always says education comes first and not being the brightest student in my class I work hard for my grades. Being intellectually strong doesn't only mean being book smart but also being common sense smart too. One must learn how to be intellectually strong in and out of class. Having the capability to stay awake in class and be interactive while being able to understand the world around me has me intellectually strong.

Life is all about changes and lessons and how we deal with them. In my life I am faced with challenges to overcome to become a stronger person. I would like to continue my life after high school at Florida State University to learn how to become an even stronger person than I am now.



EF_Team5Threads: -
Posts: 2,649
Author: Gloria, EssayForum.com
   
Nov 16, 2008, 08:20pm   #2
Good evening :)

As you didn't explain what type of assistance you were seeking, I have edited the first section and then given some suggestions in regards to the remainder of the piece:

"Vires, Artes, Mores" are the guiding words behind Florida State University. In my case Vires (Remove comma) stands out amongst the rest of them. Vires, meaning strength morally, physically, and intellectually is reflected in my life every day.

In middle school I was an innocent naive girl who didn't Avoid contractions in formal academic writing. know what a DUI or pot was. Stepping into the high school world for the first time I was surrounded with things that I knew nothing about. I saw a lot of my friends fall into the pressure of underage drinking, using drugs, and having sex. Being a senior in high school and still being drug, sex, and alcohol free is amazing to most adults and peers of mine. I am proud of being able to have the strength in saying "no" to something I don't believe in."

"Practicing every day I was able to overcome the challenge and do well in championships. . I use..." Watch your punctuation; use only one punctuation mark at a time. :)

Make sure to maintain the theme (in this case, strength) throughout your piece. You let it get away from you in the second third and fourth paragraphs; make sure you continue to refer to strength throughout the piece.

Otherwise, you use some good examples of strength in your life, and are well organized, keeping a smooth flow through the piece.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com




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