Prompt: tell us about specific academic, service, and /or research opportunities at the University of Pennsylvania that resonate with your background, interest, and goals.
(400-650 words)
My brother, Sebastian, almost died after his first birthday. Sebastian is now five years old. He developed Hemophagocytic Lymphohistiocytosis(HLH) shortly after his first birthday. This is an aggressive and potentially life threatening childhood blood disorder . Sebastian was hospitalized for one month, including a one week stay in the pediatric intensive care unit, from November 2009 to December 2009. He was initially hospitalized at Bellevue hospital center, then transferred to NYU medical center for specialized care. He underwent almost one year of chemotherapy under the care of Dr. William Caroll at NYU Hassenfeld Cancer Center. He was left with development and speech delays as result of this intensive treatment and received speech therapy. Now he is alright but I still can not get over that terrifying feeling I got when he was younger.
I am the oldest child in my family. I know I am responsible for taking care of my younger siblings. When Sebastian was sick as a baby ,I felt helpless, I fell into an abysmal. I wanted to protect him from this life threatening childhood blood disorder but I can not do anything. All I can do at that time is to watch him suffer. That is why I want to help other children. I want to be an engineer, a bioengineer. I want to dedicate my time and effort to synthesize medical devices that will improve the field of medicine and the everyday lives of others. With this one goal in mind, there are already many reasons for me to attend University of Penn. One: Penn's Global Biomedical Research program would allow me to gain valuable hands-on experience while improving patients' quality of life. Two: an academically rigorous biomedical engineering program that consistently rates among the top ten of the country. Three: Penn's variety of research opportunities would keep my mind working all year. It is rare that virtually any class in any school is available to an undergraduate the way it is at Penn-with the buildings all located in close proximity to each other.
I want to become a bioengineer instead of a doctor because I think a bioengineer can help many more others by applying engineering principles and techniques to the medical field and help designing medical devices for those with HLH while doctors might only be able to help a fraction of those people. I believe that with an eagerness to learn, a quick and creative mind, and appreciation for school spirit, I would be able to uphold UPenn's excellence.
When Sebastian was sick as a baby ,I felt helpless, I fell into an abysmal.
Wrong word usage - abysmal is an adjective, not a noun. The word you are looking forward should be 'abyss.' Consider rephrasing to 'I felt helpless, as if I was trapped in an abyss.'
Otherwise, a moving yet practical essay. Good work.
~amorphous1
The transitions between sentences are quite awkward, try to make them flow and connect more. Some of the tenses are inconsistent and sound awkward, like "All I can do at the time is to watch him suffer." An improvement would be "All I could do at the time was watch him suffer." There are other examples where this happens, if you correct it I think it will be a good essay! Good luck!
My brother, Sebastian, almost died after his first birthday.
My brother, Sebastian nearly died when he was one year .Sebastian is now five years old. He developed Hemophagocytic Lymphohistiocytosis(HLH) shortly after his first birthday.
Sebestian, who is now five years old, developed Hemophagocytic Lymphohistiocytosis(HLH) shortly after his first birthday."birthday" is getting repeated in both sentences and therefore I suggested the above change.
